Where do you rest yourself?

That morning, I met my girl friends and I saw them crying. They are coworkers helping each other in cross departmental function. And they started telling me their situation. And as normal female do in pouring their heart out, one of them began with the chronology of the event that consequently led them to get hurt. It's a problem at work where they are the middle person between two parties that each have their different needs. One is the producer and the other is the consumer, the customer. And you know they both naturally have different purpose to fulfill. And my friends were in the middle between the two. They are the customer service of the producer.

When the customer requested for earlier delivery and the circumstance didn't allow her to make decision, she asked for direction to her superior and got the answer from him "Ok, it is possible. We will fulfill the customer requirement!". So she informed the customer that decision. But the following day when her colleague checked the goods to the production foreman, she was told that he was instructed to not preparing it for delivery to customer. And she asked how could be. The answer given was 'Because their superior was under her (colleague) pressure to make that decision'. And she had to informed the customer about the cancelled delivery from the promised date, that day.

Now place yourself in her shoes, how would you feel?

I know how I feel. I will feel betrayed. I will feel that I don't have the support to do my work well because my superior stabbed me at my back. I will feel helpless. And the pathetic thing about this situation was, she was the trusted ally of her superior in executing the field work. She described the situation clearly that it was like she were standing right in front protecting the company's purpose. But when she turned her back and returned to her quarter, she was being shot right on her face.

Now as a person who got all the information at hand what do you think I should tell them? Because they asked me how they should tell the customer. In one part I know there is a broken heart to mend and in another part there is a (customer) promise to keep. Both are important. And both have humanly consequence. Both are matters of honor. And the heart wrenched situation for me was I know her superior too. How can I help to peace her mind, to solve the situation without trying to be a detractor to her superior or a meddler or instigator to each of them. They are all my friends both the superior and them.

Professionalism in Question

In such situation, because it is a work problem, usually people will rely on professionalism. What is professional? As freedictionary.com define it:
-adj.
1. following an occupation as a means of livelihood or for gain: a professional builder.
2. of, pertaining to, or connected with a profession: professional studies.
3. appropriate to a profession: professional objectivity.
4. engaged in one of the learned professions: A lawyer is a professional person.
5. following as a business an occupation ordinarily engaged in as a pastime: a professional golfer.
6. making a business or constant practice of something not properly to be regarded as a business: "A salesman," he said, "is a professional optimist."
7. undertaken or engaged in as a means of livelihood or for gain: professional baseball.
8. of or for a professional person or his or her place of business or work: a professional apartment; professional equipment.
9. done by a professional; expert: professional car repairs.
-n.
10. a person who belongs to one of the professions, esp. one of the learned professions.
11. a person who earns a living in a sport or other occupation frequently engaged in by amateurs: a golf professional.
12. an expert player, as of golf or tennis, serving as a teacher, consultant, performer, or contestant; pro.
13. a person who is expert at his or her work: You can tell by her comments that this editor is a real professional.

I can always tell them that because they have been working for more than 5 years they should have been professional and tears shouldn't be shed just because they were in such situation. Just tell the customer there's a change on decision. Right?! In the name of definition. Crap! A very insensitive answer! Because a fact is a fact! We are talking about a broken heart here. A broken spirit to thrive.

So what did I do? I listened to their complaints and was emphatic to their pain and in between reminded them of the core values that should be there to help them to relate when facing the similar situation again in the future. And I know that just by listening to their story, I had helped them to ease the hurt they felt thus made them see the situation clearly to respond professionally in the unprofessional situation.

What is the core values that had been engaged here? Looking at the whole situation, I think there are several core values engaged here. Loyalty against betrayal. Honesty against hypocrisy. Professionalism against personal justice. Leadership against cowardice. Trust against yes-man.

And I don't have to tell them what is right and what is wrong. Because they already know and everybody knows. But knowing isn't always followed by practice. Because to put all together into practice require wisdom. And wisdom is not about knowledge. It is about practicality action that is heart-driven not a mind-driven. Action from the heart is reflected in the action that held fast to the principle core values. And the main purpose of heart-driven action called virtue is to keep humanity in peace and harmony whether it is one individual or many individuals doesn't matter. The immediate response sometimes isn't always acceptable to some people. Because some people may only have short sighted perspective in looking into things and some other may have far sighted perspective. It is up to the decision maker to tell the background way of thinking to the one with short sighted in making peace with them.

If professionalism is to be questioned, isn't it unprofessional reason that was given that caused the feeling of betrayed arise? Because my understanding of anyone entitled to be the leader should take full responsible of their word and action based on their own judgment instead of taking someone else to be the black sheep of their different decision especially when the authority to make decision is at their hand. Maybe some people have different opinion about this, I don't know. But my question to them will be: what is the sign of sincerity and chivalry then?

Because in the end of the line, customer was waiting for their response and they certainly couldn't give such unprofessional answer, I helped them to outline the letter of regret in postponing the delivery from the given schedule by keeping to the common procedure of full payment before delivery to the new customer. Of course the customer was unhappy but at least negotiation was still open for the next best thing. And they did. Partial delivery was then agreed to be on schedule and the balance was after payment. Now every body should be happy.

They know they have to move on and forget that episode of work life. But whether they realize it or not, the hurt had left its mark in the heart. Something needs to be strengthen in such situation. A lesson to learn to differ who is true friend and who isn't.

Functionality in Question

Of all the feeling we have that relate to other people, the feeling of worthiness is important. We know this. Because we see in nature when something is no longer important, it lost its significance, weathered down, dead and disappear or changed into something else. Because it is not about the look, it is about the work, its functionality fulfilled. In the same light this can happen to a person when they lost their feeling of worthiness. Some people place their worthiness based on the acceptance of other people whether it is their family, their friends, their work colleagues, their neighbors or their club members. Anyone or anything doesn't matter. As long as someone can provide them the feeling of importance, they will try to survive. To some people who have a weak heart, the acceptance of other people was so important that they would do anything to please them to the point that they lost their personal identity. And when the one to whom they rely their identity on, for some reason no longer give them what they need, they become depressed to the point of committed suicide.

I remembered the situation in my previous work. I was in the state of dispirited at work because I felt the environment was not in my favor to thrive any better. I had no support from my superior. I was stuck and no longer could learn anything new to broaden my perspective. I was left alone to deal with my work problem. As I looked back to that time, I realized that having all the feeling I felt at that time, I was prepared to be dead for them and alive to something new. I was to be dead to them, so when farewell happened I didn't feel sorry for my self nor for leaving my friends. I looked forward to the fertile ground that would help me to flourish and grow even more.

And I don't know why I feel this hunch again. The same feeling happened again to me yesterday. It started with an email from my staff asking about a meeting plan with regional chapter when preparation hadn't been made yet. As norm procedure, I consulted my superior if the plan was to be firmed up and changed into reality before I go with detail project management. What I needed was a YES or NO answer. Instead I got a confusing short answer that I was to check with my staff. I was dumb struck. What is this? Don't i mean anything anymore? Because if he told me to check with my staff and my staff asked me about it, the two can do it right away without I am in the middle. I was hurt because I perceived that short sentence as an insult to my sense of responsible. I felt like resign myself from the work right away. Swallowing the annoyed feeling, I answered my staff with general guideline and question to check on the detail event schedule and accommodation.

All these experience come down to the question of Where do you rest yourself?

The Unshakable Ground

If I weren't blessed with Self Knowledge, I know I would be dispirited, crying or disappointed like my two friends in receiving such situation. As a human being I know how it feels when we are not appreciated, not having a support from the one you respected or loved. That instead of support or appreciation you received an insult in the most unexpected time of your life. It's like being shot right through your heart.

Some people may take a long time to manage the feeling and all that is needed to harness back what they left in them called self dignity. I'm blessed with Self Knowledge - thanks to my master who taught me that - it helped me to clear the rubbish from my mind and bring out clarity from my heart.

With that clarity I don't have to tell my self, but I know with certainty the value of myself. That to them I may not be worthy but to my Lord I'm worthy. With the song of gratitude that I sing to Him inside I become a worthy human being. With the appreciation dance that I perform to the rhythm of life that He breathes through me, I become a precious human being. I may not be good and worthy to anyone else, but the fact that I am alive and given so much is a sign that I am good and worthy enough for Him.

And this whole situation giving me a clue that I need to prepare my self, for the wind of change is blowing in the air. I don't know what kind of change that will be given and happening, but I am preparing myself. I may have to start all over again from a scratch, but like a baby Moses I need to rest myself to the benevolence of my Lord. And the whole world may work against me, but one thing I can be certain of that as long as I have this breath, this Knowledge, my Lord is keeping me safe for the fulfillment of a living lesson. And when I'm done with this world, I know to my Lord I will return.

And because I'm not a selfish person, I know I also need to prepare others before my departure. So that when I'm not there, they know what they have to do, things that used to be my work. Because there is no two alike, I may be irreplaceable, but I can always share what I have and know with them. My sincere hope that when I'm not around they have someone better than me to do the work. Hopefully when the farewell is happening, they are as prepared as I am.

So I do have an unshakable ground. Because I rest myself the glorious, the benevolence, the greatness, the merciful of my great Lord.

Hasbunallohu wa ni'mal wakiil.

Filling the Empty Space

Subhanallah Alhamdulillah Allohu Akbar
Glorious be to Allah, All Praises due to Allah, (for) Allah is Great

You know after the previous article I wrote here under title 'Is age matter?', something was left in me that got my heart quiet and my mind thinking about the marital life of Prophet Muhammad SAW till this morning. When I woke up in the morning, it's still there. And I got the answer in my heart as I prayed my morning prayer. I broke up in tears of humility understanding Allah's Greatness, Grace and Mercy that HE had showered upon the great prophet Muhammad SAW and his family (ahlul bait) that we - all human being can take them as the perfect role model in living a family life. And how perfect Allah had given him - the great prophet Muhammad SAW, his two special wives - Khadija bint Khuwailid RA and Aisha bint Abu Bakr RA, each in their own sweet time to be his partner in undergoing the great task as the great prophet to mankind.

The Root of the World

No Muslim ever doubts the importance of Khadija bint Khuwailid RA as the wife of the great prophet Muhammad SAW. She was the best example to any Muslimah or any women in general in taking their role within family life.

It wasn't without reason that the prophet SAW said a woman was married because of her look, her wealth, her social status and her religion. Lucky is the man who can have the four aspects otherwise take her because of her religion. This saying was a reflection of how he felt about his first wife, Khadija bint Khuwailid RA. In her existence, the four aspects of woman's quality was embodied.

In their early family life, it could be said that she was a 'teacher' to him (before prophethood) because she was a widow with children and more mature than him in term of age and marital experience. With that experience, she knew how to act as a wife to her husband, as a partner in running their business together, manage the household and keeping him content with her role as a wife.

After knowing for more than 15 years, it would be very natural that when early in the morning all of a sudden her husband went home sweating and trembling and telling her that he had received the first revelation, she believed him right away and was there to calm him and provide what he SAW needed at that time, her trust, her loyalty, her support, her love, her embrace, her everything. That it helped him to find back his harmony after such a shocking moment. And all that wasn't finished yet. She kept on giving her everything to support his work. She was the only woman he could rely on in that early period of Islamic growth, because as a wife, she was the closest person that could reach him and touch him in the most intimate way she could. And she was the only wife he had at that time. She was by his side to her last breath, when the pressure was getting stronger and stronger. And physically she never knew the fruit of their ground work she had done in the development of Islam. Because she died before the command of hijrah took place.

Now, let us try to relate ourselves into our great prophet Muhammad SAW as a norm human in having his needs. With such great task at hand, having someone that could help to care of his personal needs is a blessing. Because it helped him to focus on doing his task without having a doubtful thought of this and that. Can you imagine what would happen if the woman he was married to wasn't as good and efficient as Khadija? Can you imagine what would happen if the state of family life was reversed? That his later family life became the beginning and the beginning become the later? I think the situation would be more upsetting to them all. The pressure become stronger. Because not only he would have to face the outside challenge but he would also have to face with the challenge from his household.

Everything you see has its roots in the unseen world
~ Jalaluddin Rumi ~ 

I can say that she was filling the empty space in the life of the great prophet Muhammad SAW that enabled him to reach maturity as a person before taking the divine task of prophethood and further on supporting its growth during its young stage, like a mother to her baby. It was not to be taken lightly that he SAW had ever stated her rank among any women - and to some extend to most men in the world that she was irreplaceable and incomparable for she was there for him, she was the one who trusted him when everyone was against him, she was the one who had given her everything to serve the greater purpose of Life. Her best role model as a woman, wife and mother was incomparable by any other women in this world. For as a woman she was the first to embrace Islam, as a wife she was the one to support her husband in carrying on the great task of prophethood and as a mother she had given the best model followed by her daughter Fatimah az-Zahra RA to be among the four most important women in the line of 'millatul Ibrahim' (the religious virtues of prophet Ibrahim AS) after Maryam RA, the mother of Yesus AS and Asiyah RA the wife of Pharaoh and her mother Khadija RA. (Jamiush Shaghir chapter Sin no 3678)

Here's the secret wisdom that lies in the existence of Khadija RA as stated in Tao Te Ching:

28. Becoming

Using the male, being female,
Being the entrance of the world,
You embrace harmony
And become as a newborn.

Using strength, being weak,
Being the root of the world,
You complete harmony
And become unshaped wood.

Using the light, being dark,
Being the world,
You perfect harmony
And return to the Way.

It isn't by accident that prophet Muhammad SAW ever said that he was to tell the good news to Khadijah that for her there's a house in paradise made of wood, where there's no noisy nor its poles (ash Shahihah no 1554). May Allah sanctify her soul.

The Spring of Life

In the history of great prophet Muhammad SAW another important woman after Khadija bint Khuwailid RA was Aisha bint Abu Bakr RA as his second wife. She came into his life after she died. She was very different from her especially in term of age and certainly personality. She was married to him when she was young. And so many people especially today's people can't understand this. Some had even made a very negative image about him as being pedophilia. That's because their way thinking was polluted by physical attraction alone. Actually what they thought of him was the reflection of their dirty mind in looking into the life of the great prophet Muhammad SAW. They can't understand divine wisdom in this marriage.

Now, let us look into the psychological aspect of any normal human being who had been soulfully attached to their partner, who had been through things together in life that they kind of feeling dependent to her/him in keeping the harmony and all of the sudden he/she was taken away from her /him by death. How would he/she feel like? I know how it would feel like. It's like inside you're dead. That you feel like you want to die with her/him. All the effort of living the life become meaningless and empty without her/him around. Now, can you also relate that to the great prophet Muhammad SAW when Khadija RA died?

Now, because he SAW had a great task to do, to continue his role in prophethood completely, as human being he needed something to bring back his focus and vitality. So he SAW had the most important journey to open up his horizon in prophethood that was Isra Mi'raj and sometime after that another wife to support his work. I ever read in one of the book written by Muslim scholar that quoted the sign of taking Aisha to be his wife was shown in a leaf tree in heaven during Mi'raj, but I can't recall the title of the book. Wallahu'alam.

Here I'm not going to talk about Isro Mi'raj. I will focus on the second marriage.

Now, Aisha was a girl while Khadija was a woman. So the two certainly can't be compared though both are female. Because each served different purpose. Aisha as a young girl carried something fresh from life that was pure and innocent compared to woman who had been 'schooled' by society rule and dogma.

The essence of Aisha existence to the life of the great prophet Muhammad SAW was as stated in Tao Te Ching below:

45. Quiet

Not only the thirsty seek the water,
The water as well seeks the thirsty.
~ Jalaluddin Rumi ~

Great perfection seems incomplete,
But does not decay,
Great abundance seems empty,
But does not fail.

Great truth seems contradictory;
Great cleverness seems stupid;
Great eloquence seems awkward.

As spring overcomes the cold,
And autumn overcomes the heat,
So calm and quiet overcome the world.

Her purity as a girl was like a spring that overcomes the cold winter after the death of his first wife. Her attentiveness as a girl was like a sponge that absorbed all the knowledge that laid in his words, actions and virtues so that he SAW can be followed as the perfect role model up to today's life. Her bravery as a girl was like a rock that stood tall against anyone who confronted the Truth. Her youth as a girl was like a walking stick to the next generation in preserving the tradition. It can't be denied that Aisha RA as one of Ummul Mu'minin (the Mother of the Believers) was among the first scholars, the first teachers that taught Muslim community up to the second generation (tabiin) after the first generation (sahabat). She was there to keep the message and the purity of Islamic teaching remain pure and intact when one by one those who had firsthand life experience with her beloved husband left this world. She was the spring of life to Islamic world. We are as we are today because of her role. May Allah sanctify her soul.

May Allah give me the ability to practice the best example they had performed in their lives.

Is age matter?

When you love is age matter?

This is a question I have to ask people from any race and any country. Because I see and know two persons with different age about 35 years married and loving each other up to now that their age difference does not matter to them. The woman married to the man when she was young. They had a baby and up to now their marriage stay strong and I see their affection towards each other never cease down. So their age difference was out of question.

But then we also see two persons married in the name of what they call love, yet their marriage lasted for a year or even less for some reason they thought they weren't mature enough to receive such a big responsible such as family life. Yet their ID said their age is over 17 or 18 that society considered them to be mature enough to have driving license.

And then we may find adult and mature persons in term of age, yet have no sexual experience nor married to anyone because they were for some reason was kept in secret from all the proper information from people around them. Can you believe that? Maybe not in society where free sex is practiced but certainly very possible in society where modesty is still practiced.

And we also find adult and mature people in term of age and had married but they flee from their responsible as a father or a mother of their child or come to worse abused their child to fulfill their wish without even cares of the child's needs.

So truly, is age matter when someone love another ?

And then another question to ponder: When you do things for the sake of humanity, Is age matter?
We see a child do something we called great like trying to help their friend from trouble that they face as a child. If you asked them why they did it, they may answer you that because they love the victim and they want to help in any way that they think know without thinking of the risk they have to face. And then we also see teenager do the same thing as well as adult. Like the primary school teachers who tried to save their students from shooting in Connecticut recently. And we consider them to be extra ordinary people. Let's see it the other way around of person who did something bad in accordance to society's standard. When we see this do we really care about their age? Well, maybe when bad things happened age does matter because we will use it as our consideration to justify whether it was the person's or their parents' responsible. But when related with goodness, I don't think it is matter.

Now, why am I asking you this?

Because I just read a question was asked by someone named Rusty Wilson about the marriage of Prophet Muhammad SAW to Aisha bint Abu Bakr RA. She couldn't find any satisfaction from the explanation given by the persons she asked to. Because she was imagining a little child of the age 9 years old had to marry an adult man about 53 years old and consummate their marriage at the age of 13 years old.

I think she shouldn't rely on her imagination but rather seek understanding from it. And the Muslim who answered that shouldn't make defensive answer by making any excuses that may not be acceptable to her or those who dislike him SAW. Because a fact is a fact. She missed the thinking process that a judge is normally used before making decision in hearing the victim opinion. Did she ever question the feeling of Aisha RA - the girl, the wife, the victim (if she assumed her to be a victim) - how did she (Aisha RA) feel as a child to be taken as his (SAW) wife? Had she ever been abused as a child-wife to him? Had she ever told us - today's people - of the bad habit of Prophet Muhammad SAW during their family life? In fact most of the personal life story about Prophet Muhammad SAW was coming from her mouth - that today's people think as his child-wife after she had grown up, years after their marriage. And there was none that said that he had treated her bad. She adored him. She together with his other wives made a strike for demanding some worldly possession (QS 66: 1 - 5). She didn't take the offer to be divorced when it was given. (QS 33: 28 - 29) Yet, she remained loyal to him to her last breath, never married after he died. She submitted to the Greater Cause that held them together in marriage life, regardless the early age (according to society today) of her marriage with Prophet Muhammad SAW.

It seems that the person who asked and give answered forget that part. What they missed is the wisdom behind all the action. What they missed is the Nature's Law (sunnatullah) that involved in it at that time not the mind's imagination of today's society.

Yet, as I have raised the above questions to be the comparison to that situation, what would the answer? Is age really matter? Well, as a person who is living my moment each day, I think that is very irrelevant.

Coming Home

In the past two days, there was a bird coming into my room late at night. I think it was coming through the hole in the wooden carved plank on top of the door. It was flying here and there trying to find a place to rest. It went to the cupboard, to the ceiling and above my bed. I thought it was lost its way in the night. I had opened the door and curtain to give it an exit way to fly free instead of being caged in my room. But it didn't go away. In the first day, I didn't really see where it found its way out. It just disappeared. When I didn't see it flying here and there, I thought it must have found its way out. But when it appeared again the next day in my room, I couldn't help but wondering what it was all about. After it flew here and there, finally I saw it disappeared in the wooden-carved frame of the mirror.

Oh soul, you worry too much.
Your arms are heavy with treasures of all kinds.
~ Jalaluddin Rumi ~

Bird in the Sufism world is the symbol of a soul. And a soul being sent down to earth was always trying to find its way home, its true home. Some will find while others will get lost. And souls were made in pairs (QS 81:7), just like any other creations such as night and day, man and woman (QS 36:36). That is why there is a thing called soul mate. And soul mate isn't about husband and wife or man and woman, it can also be in a form of man with man or woman with woman. Because a soul has no gender. It only has a quality that defines its identity to be called an entity. Though it can happen that when woman and man love deeply under Divine decree they're made husband and wife, but soul mate is not about husband and wife partnership. It is about the fulfillment of its quality that people called as emptiness by the existence of its mate. Blessed be to those who find their soul mate while living their life and understand the meaning and its significance of their union.

Exalted is He who created all pairs - 

from what the earth grows and from themselves 

and from that which they do not know.

~ QS 36:36 ~

Understanding a Soul

As I said when the bird disappeared in the mirror, I can't help but wondering. Because a mate is about being a mirror that reflect the beauty of the soul quality. So often people are blinded by the physical and worldly things and can't see the deeper aspect of their own soul. They see themselves as bad and ugly while their soul mate find them to be good and beautiful. How could that be? It is a different mirror that they used to look into themselves that cause this difference. It's like when you look into the mirror, your left hand will be the right hand, your nearness will be your distance.

And sometimes you find your soul mate to be in a state of unknowing of your existence. It was in a hatred kind of state because of some past trauma. So he/she rejected you and deny your existence. Yet, she/he find no solace from other because it has been specifically made that you two are soul mates. That's when people settle to whatever they have for the sake of peaceful mind. I can understand their reasoning. Because there are so many responsible that they have to do to care rather than listening to their inner voice, there are so many distraction that will keep them busy doing things, thinking so many things that's going on to avoid one thing; that is to listen to their inner voice.

With love you don’t bargain. 

There, the choice is not yours. 

Love is a mirror, 

it reflects only your essence, 

if you have the courage to look in its face.

~ Jalaluddin Rumi ~

I remember very clearly about the man who I know is my soul mate even without meeting him in person and know his past experience. How so? It was during our short encounter that I realize that. Or I can simply say 'It's the message from the Divine.' And somehow, he rejected me in thinking he was bad and ugly. Yet, I saw his beautiful soul as the mirror of mine. And I understand how this could happen. It happened because of his past experience. When he wrote a poem about someone damned his soul for his choice of being a Muslim I knew it was his wife who did it. She had wronged his fundamental rights as well as ripped their soulful union in marriage. Though formally they're still bonded under marriage law and surrounded by his family, his soul was left alone. Without knowing this nature, he will feel inferior to himself as if he had failed in his marriage and life thus will not find solace in his solitary. His soul will wander to find something that he once felt but no longer there. It was the joy of the moment when his soul was in communion with his soul mate, doing nothing but feeling the proximity of the soul though physically so far away. I also know that he will never be able to accept me without accepting his deeper part that he dislikes/hate. Because I'm the reflection of the part that he denies, rejects and feels inferior with. For that reason, I also know that he will not come to me and face me if he hasn't resolve his inner turmoil and be free of all the inferior feeling he feels and to see his beautiful reflection in someone else.

To understand more of soul characters and its searching, I think people need to understand their own soul, how it deals with things around them and see the reflection of their own self in people around them. Look at it this way: To all animals when they see their own self in the mirror, their first reaction are between curious, alert and alarmed. And they keep coming back to that mirror to see who is that in the mirror. And they stopped only to that. Well, they may do something funny or stupid after that. I don't know if they finally develop some understanding that it was their own image to make them stop doing things we consider funny or stupid . But human being is different. They're reaction varies from following their animal instinct to humanly instinct to understand who is the person in the mirror from physical aspect to spiritual aspect. This is a great challenge to human being. Because if only they can see the deeper aspect of the one in the mirror, they will see the aspect of Divinity that is hidden in their being. One may want to understand my point here by reading the book written by Farid-ud-din Attar under title of Conference of The Birds. I won't elaborate more here.

Read more in http://sufibooks.info/Sufism/The_Conference_of_the_Birds_Fardiuddin_Attar.pdf

Letting Love in

The other day as I was searching through my files folder, I came across this article from O Magazine that I had placed there sometime ago. I can't remember when but it's there. The title is The key of Letting Love in. The article highlighted intimacy in term of man and woman relationship. In a way it is applicable to anyone in soul-mate-relationship. Because a soul is the closest thing to us - human being - than any other thing in our life. It is hidden in our living being. It's like wherever, whenever and however we are, it is there witnessing our ups and downs through life. As I read through it, I knew the article highlighted my point about 'his ability to accept me lies on his ability to accept his inner self'. I wished I could send it to him to make him understand, but I couldn't. I had promised him and myself that I would leave him alone to respect his wish.

I think I will share the article here so anyone can have more understanding about their soul and how to deal with it when they find their soul mate in the same situation:

Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
~ Jalaluddin Rumi ~

Keeping your guard up in a relationship is guaranteed to keep the love out, too. Couples therapists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt share the dazzling revelation that saved their own marriage—and could help anyone's.

"When it comes to love relationships, things are often not what they seem," Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt write in their book Receiving Love—and you might say the two of them, marriage therapists married to each other, are their own best object lesson. Seven years ago, although they were writing best-selling self-help books, training therapists, and leading couples workshops throughout the world, their personal union was crumbling.

On the verge of divorce, they tripped over the snaky root of their discontent. "One morning, when we were most troubled," Helen says, "we were in our bedroom and I asked Harville, 'Do you believe that I love you?' Harville thought about that for a couple of seconds and said, 'No, I don't think you do.' I was distraught. I could only respond, 'Given all that I do for you and our life together, how could you not know how much I love you?'"

Harville understood that his feelings were irrational, he says, but alienation was stubbornly entrenched. No matter what Helen gave him emotionally, it had little impact because he suspected there were strings attached. "Only with time and reflection did I realize that I was not able to recognize genuine love when it was offered," he says.

As they began to contemplate the problem, in much the same way that the minute you think about having a baby, you see pregnant women everywhere, Helen and Harville noticed that a sizable number of couples they'd worked with were stuck in the same cold place. For instance, there was the wife who told her husband she needed him to express more affection—then resisted his kisses and kind words because, she said, they didn't feel genuine. Another husband admitted that when his wife offered verbal support, he shut down and didn't respond. And when a new father took time off from work to help his exhausted wife with their twins, she refused to let him do his share. "As far as I could see, she was undermining my gift of love," he complained in therapy.

The struggle to understand and ease this kind of self-inflicted isolation grew into Harville and Helen's book. "The common wisdom," they write, "is that romantic relationships would stay happy if people did a better job of giving to each other. But that's not what we've discovered. We've found that many people need to do a better job of receiving the gifts their partners are already offering. It's surprising how often the compliments, appreciation and encouragement of a well-intentioned partner make no dent in the armor of an unhappy partner.

Harville ticks off the ways we deflect what we secretly crave: by devaluing praise; by assuming the other person is insincere; by criticizing the sender of a positive message for not getting it right, not doing it on time, or not doing it often enough; by not listening; or by feeling embarrassed. We also block loving words by hardening our chest and stomach muscles.

Only the soul knows what love is so be with those who help your being.
~ Jalaluddin Rumi ~ 

These are difficult habits to break, say Harville and Helen, because they're often the tip of an iceberg of unconscious self-hatred, going back to childhood. Our parents invariably rejected some aspects of us, either through criticism ("Don't act that way") or inattention (ignoring, say, our anger or ambition, or even certain interests and talents). "When this happens," Harville says, "we split off those parts of ourselves and hide them in our unconscious." But although we seal them off as dangerous and bad, they never go away; instead they form what Harville and Helen call a missing self.

Over time, we deny our needs and replace them with defenses. "Then when someone values us, we have to reject him or her," Harville says. To let ourselves be cherished for who we really are would be to violate our parents' edict that we are flawed, and to arouse our fear that if we do, feel, or think certain things, we'll be neglected and abandoned—in the most primal sense, left to die. "So to receive love is to risk death," Harville says. "This drama plays out because the part of our mind that holds the parental injunction is timeless—today is the same as yesterday. None of this is conscious, but the bottom line is that we reject love in order to stay alive.

Ideally, we'd be able to pull the curtain on this inner opera and deide to accept ourselves whole. Unfortunately, that doesn't work. "You can't consciously achieve self-love by loving yourself. To end self-rejection, you have to learn to love in another what you hate in yourself," Harville insists. "If you don't know what that is, you can find out by noticing what you project onto others, what you criticize repetitively and with emotion." If, for example, you accuse your partner of being an angry person, you may have submerged your own anger. When you learn to accept the hated trait in your partner, "you will simultaneously accept it in yourself," he says. "Self-love is born out of love of another."

Simply put, what goes around comes around: You learn to love your partner, which allows you to receive more love. Heady stuff, and, as with most things worth having, there's a price. You have to give up your identity as a victim and let go of whatever payoff you've been getting from hopelessness and despair. You also have to surrender your emotional dependency on your parents and their judgments.

"This is a complicated process," Harville says, in a bit of an understatement. It's also a joint project because "when one partner rejects love, the other does also, but in different ways." That's because we tend to marry someone who is our emotional equal (with a similar childhood wound), but who has developed opposite defenses. If you wall yourself off by yelling or finding fault, he says, your spouse might distance himself by sullenly withdrawing.

Harville suggests learning to listen deeply and empathetically. "You can say, 'Tell me what happens inside you when I express love.' Then listen without criticism," he says. You might hear "I feel anxious" or a surprisingly self-deprecating remark. "If you understand and empathize—'I can imagine this feels scary to you'—a paradoxical thing happens. Your partner will view you as safe, in contrast to the unconscious memories of his caretakers as dangerous, and be more open."

Speaking as the proverbial physicians who've had to heal themselves, Harville and Helen have pronounced their marriage stronger than ever, and appear to have reached a new high. Mature love, they write, comes when each person has grown with the other's help, and when both people know how to give and receive—"it's the lifetime achievement award."

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Whats-Your-Intimacy-Quotient

Freeing the bird

Freeing the bird is a symbol of unconditional love. Knowing that when we free the bird from its cage is like freeing our soul to find its way home. Freeing the bird isn't about goodbye. Because those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation. This is the essence of love between Prophet Ibrahim AS and Hagar RA, Prophet Yaqub AS and Prophet Yusuf AS, Rumi and Tabriz, Radha and Khrisna. Both loved their soul mates very dearly yet both were separated by circumstance to prove their love to the others.

Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes.
Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation!
~ Jalladuddin Rumi ~

Their heart had been filled with love so pure and divine that their submission to the greater cause in their life had made their humanly love to be immortal. It's like a phoenix that reborn from the ashes, so is the soul that has found its identity as a lover and be with the Loved one.

So what of me? I am as I am. I did as I did to the bird that flew into my room. he had the freedom to come and go as he wished. Though tears couldn't be avoided, but as understanding was given and Love and Peace remained supreme, everything was made sense. Something is understood. He may come and he may go as he wishes, but Love remains.

Yet if it's like the bird, he chooses to return and stay, I will accept him with kindness knowing that I can only be in peace when I can accept the whole of me. That in my knowledge of him as my soul mate, in accepting him I am also accepting myself. How I treat him will be how I want to be treated. How I see him will be how I want to be seen. I treat him with kindness because I want to be treated with the kindness. I see him beautiful because I want to be seen beautiful. That is how a mirror does its job, isn't it? It is as simple as that.

A heart filled with love is like a phoenix that no cage can imprison.
~ Jalaluddin Rumi ~ 

Now, to get this aspect of coming home into reality is a matter of having a conviction. I mean what do you think would happen if Hagar lost faith to her Lord thus to her husband? What would happen if Yaqub lost faith to his Lord thus to his son? What would happen if Rumi lost faith to his Lord thus to Tabriz? or Radha lost faith to her Lord thus to Khrisna? There won't be anything called devotion. Because devotion is about keeping faith and conviction to Lord, the Beloved one regardless their circumstances. Hagar kept her faith to the promise she received when she was taking flee from her husband house. Yaqub kept his faith to the promise he received through his son's dream. And so were Rumi and Radha in their devotion to their Beloved. And I learn my lesson on having conviction to my Lord through this. Either way, I'd like to think that the bird experience is as if his soul has reached me though physically he doesn't present before me; understanding his circumstance in living his life and keeping his family happy.

And worship your Lord 

until there comes to you the certainty.

~ QS 15:99 ~

Negativity

This isn't about the story of Victor Hugo's famous novel under title Les Miserables, where things always against Jean Valjean. I remember the title of that novel when I wanted to give title to the topic I'm about to write. I hope this will be the only miserable thing I have to write. And yes, I'm about to let myself feeling miserable and very negative so that people won't think I'm a happy go lucky person all the time. Certainly, most of the time I don't let negativity grip me, because it's like cancer that can spread out quickly and easily when I'm loosing my spirit and it will make my day gloomy.

But this time, I want to write it down. I want to feel that feeling gripping me. For what reason? I don't know. I think I'm going south with my emotion and it needs to hit the rock bottom. By writing this, hopefully I can let go my negative feeling and hopefully it will bounce me back to positivity.

Energy Suction

You know I've been over a month in Bali worked there and did my other projects that it gave me break from traveling and met my friends from my other social work I involved with. It wasn't that I fully washed my hand off from the other activity, because almost everyday the office staff called or emailed or texted me on my mobile with something for advice or direction or just updated me with things that went on. So physically I wasn't around when things happened, which for me was alright because I had other things at hands.

When I couldn't attend the meeting, the chairman called me and asked me why. I told him the reason which to him seemed to be unimportant. And he reminded me of my position that I should be a responsible person. I could only tell him in a clipped response, 'Yes, I know.'. I thought I had delegated the work to my staff and he's there to make decision, while no one could at that moment substituted me in Bali. And when I'd been in Jawa, answered his phone call, he reminded me again of that after I told him what I did in preparing the ground work to achieve one of the organizational objective. And he told me in a grumbling kind of way about others who didn't do their work, as if it was my responsible to do things and take over theirs. Since I was in a light mood, I only laughed at him as a saying"'That's a fact.". And feeling responsible I told him, 'Ok, I'll talk to them and see what I can do.' And I did.

Now let me feel angry for this situation:
I'm not responsible for other people's work! I have my personal commitment to others not only to this social work! And who cares of my personal needs? All along I never want to be in the front row! And don't blame me for not doing my work as you think I'd done when you let others to not doing theirs! You heard me being taken as scapegoat by others yet you don't defend me when you knew I was your right hand and did things the best I could. I have the right to feel angry because everyone deserve at least a †ђąηk ўσυ word for what they've done. And I'm not an irresponsible person. I know my value. So don't press me to feel sorry for what I've missed in the field. I'm not super woman. I don't like being in the spotlight. I help within my capacity and strength, so don't expect me more than what I can't deliver. And you can say that I'm not helping, Fine! You can say I'm useless and careless. I don't care!

I'm angry to people sucking and draining my energy to the point that I have to feel sorry for not being able to say NO to their request and use my responsible character to make me feel guilty. And what was I left with? Negativity.

A Thought of Failure

The some days ago after sometime I never met my friends, I happened to met them again. And a standard questions given to women then passed to me: Who am I going out with? Do I have any particular man that is courting me to marriage? Why I'm so picky? How many kids have I had? My standard response was usually given in a light response and that would be: Oh, I'm going out with someone - the bus or plane or train passengers that traveled with me, he is busy fixing the world and forget his way home, looking to my heart or sky wherever and say 'Hi God can you answer her/them?' my kid is of no form and shape yet because it is still in the realm of souls that instead of having them I ended up with someone else's kids that I teach. All were said in a light-heart mood because I know I can't question something that is beyond my strength and capacity to answer. And I don't want them to feel bad because of asking a wrong question.

Now, let me bring forth the miserable feeling:
My God! if woman's accomplishment is measured based on their ability to find husband and have kids, I am a big failure to myself. Because I really don't have any of them. I don't even know how to start it. I was busy fulfilling life that I didn't realize any men would like me to be their girlfriend or wife. And when man courted me, either I couldn't develop the feeling to be more than friends or stood aloof. And if they could approach me close enough to get to know me, they either need me for my brain or are reticent or aren't brave enough to tell me their feeling directly or don't have any feelings to me at all. I don't know. I don't have anything to be proud of in being a woman,to attract men to start the process they want me to accomplish. No matter how many other accomplishments I have, as long as the measurement are those, I have accomplished nothing. I can't even cook. My brother made fun on my ability to cook so I know I can't cook and it make me dislike cooking. My figure is a flat boy-shaped kind of body not the kind that man like most. And when I started speaking, they freaked out because it was full of wise and ancient words they disfavor because it sound patronizing, smartass and boring.

So I don't know how I will ever achieve it and have something I can be proud of to their reference. And what is left for me? Negativity

Creating a living  hell

Now, with those negative feelings let me create my own hell for the sake of what people expect of me and achieve what they think I should accomplish. Because now I am going to do anything to please them, to get it.

Aren't I creative enough
to even create my living hell ?

Now I will do my best to get things going. I will take over other people's work if they can't do them. I will stand for them and become their bumper every time they need someone to blame. I will work very hard to please them that I will use my weekends to go from one city to another city. And if I'm too tired I will just sleep wherever I feel like, because I have no insomnia problem. I will be a yes-man woman and do whatever they want me too.

And to get a husband, I will go to nightlife where men I never meet mostly hang around because the good one around me already taken or do not notice me. And if they don't seem to notice me, I will change my clothes to the point that will please them. And if this still doesn't work, I will flirt with one that I like a lot in term of their look and ask if he ever wants to go out with me and see if someday soon he wants to be my husband. And if he doesn't want to because he already married or has girlfriend or just doesn't want to take responsible being a father, I can ask him if he will donor his sperm so I can have a child of my own and I will take the responsible of being a single parent. No problem. Well, there's still a problem. I still don't have a husband. Oh, I can always marry to any man that wants me to be his wife. It doesn't matter how his behavior like or how responsible he is as long I have someone that I can tell other "Oh he's home sleeping or he's with someone else" when they ask me where my husband is.

See, with that I can easily accomplish what they expect of me. As long as they are happy with me helping them and that I have husband and kid as my accomplishment. And yet, what would that leave me with? Negativity.

Sobriety

Because I know they are all against my nature and my heart will be crying out for not being listened to and followed. Already, when I wrote that imagination, my eyes were in tears for feeling the emptiness I will feel inside. I can't just do anything for the sake of other people's wish and expectation. I have to follow my heart. I have to follow the light that lit within. And no matter how far and how long it will take for me to be in this journey of life whether I will be able to do as what they want me to do or achieve what they thought I should achieve or not, with life I will try to do it with great feeling of gratitude. Instead of blaming others or even God for what I don't have or can't achieve, I accept what is given to me - either people call it success or failure-  with humility that I don't deserve such preciousness. And I'm not about taking it for granted because life and anything along with it, that is given to me is the most precious thing in this world.

And I may have made bad decision in my life or in the way I make priorities to things that were presented to me and want me to be in different places as they wish. I"m sorry that I can't always please them but I should never be made feeling sorry for the decision I have made consciously. I am taking full responsible to what's going on in my life. Thank you very much! Call me stubborn, maybe. Call me ignorant, I may be. Call me whatever you want to call me. I am living my life!!!

So by mercy from Allah , you were lenient with them.

And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart,

they would have disbanded from about you.

So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them

and consult them in the matter.

And when you have decided,

then rely upon Allah .

Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him].

~ QS Ali Imran: 159 ~

Torn between Pride and Love

Last week my sister told me that her husband was in town but he didn't want to show up. It seemed that he's not ready to face his own family. And I can understand his situation and feel sorry for him. But I also know that at this moment he must learn to face his own failure, resolve his inner turmoil and come up with the right decision. Looking into the deeper core, I draw my own conclusion.

"Coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave." 

Mohandas Gandhi

Pride and Dignity

What is pride? As I refer to freedictionary.com the definition given is
1. a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc. 
2. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem. 
3. pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself: civic pride.

And man is a proud creature. This pride sometimes clouded their judgment and ability to make the right decision, until they have to face something else to decide whether it is necessary to hold on to their pride or give in. And in his case, the false concept of pride has clouded his judgment to make the right decision. But then after what he did, I think he should put it aside. Because it becomes his biggest obstacle to mend the wrong he's done to my sister.

It's very surprising that I have this inspiring words on my computer screen as I was starting to write this article. "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave" by Mohandas Gandhi. As if he were telling me that it wasn't his pride that made him hiding, it was his cowardice. If you remember my previous article on the brave heart, I think you understand what I mean.

And for that reason, I say pride is different from dignity. In arabic it is similar to 'al-izzah'. And as freedictionary.com defines it
1. bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation. 
2. nobility or elevation of character; worthiness: dignity of sentiments.

In his case because he started from the wrong stand point to gain his dignity he must act right. What is the right act to do? By asking forgiveness. To God he should ask forgiveness by repentant. He may have done it by moving away from the woman he had had affair with as he had said to his friend, but to human being he needs to build his bridge by apologizing. His state of being is self evident. No one will ever hide themselves if they don't feel shame of feeling guilty or something.

Do they take them away or
Do we give them away?

Yes, he must be ashamed of what he had done, but it shouldn't prevent him to do the right thing. As it has been said in previous article "high wind does not last long, so is the words of people". If he put aside his pride to apologize and followed with doing the right thing to his family - my sister and his kids, he will be reformed and gain his dignity.

I wish I could help him to see the matter clearly. Some may think by writing this, I'm trying to be patronizing. I'm not and I don't want to. I'm merely emphatic to what he faced knowing how he must feel like. And to understand his situation I tried to look into my past experience to relate to his.

It reminded me of my experience in secondary school when I was slapped across my face by my english teacher. I was hurt because I thought I didn't do anything wrong to deserve such treatment. I was in between the noisy boys in the back rows while she was writing something on the blackboard. Naturally you couldn't help to get involved when they're your buddies and did some funny things. And all of the sudden she was slapping my face. On her way out she told the class that she would not teach the class until we behaved. The class was in uproar between joy and worry. I didn't care what they felt, I was hurt. No one ever slapped me across my face not even my parents. I let two weeks (I think) went off without feeling sorry and she was insistence to not teach my class. It was only when my friends asked me to apologize so the class could start again, I had to swallow my pride and came to her to tell her how sorry I was and plead her to teach the class again in front of my classmates who accompanied me. It was between shame (that I had to do it) and hate (her for putting me into that situation) that I almost cried in saying it. And time healed. I could reflect on that situation without grudge. And I didn't hate her anymore. I passed the final exam with A score and even paid her a respectful visit after she retired. Time healed and washed away the shame and hatred feeling to her. In a way she taught me something about pride and dignity apart from english subject.

" Pleasure of love lasts but a moment. Pain of love lasts a lifetime. "

Jean Pierre Claris de Florian

Love and Mercy

First of all, I know this is just a deduction thought that is based on facts and not based on my experience. And people can always say "Ah, it's just a theory!" So whatever I will write down is always questionable and people can always argue that I have no experience at all to write something like this, and I will agree to their saying. So I won't argue with you if you disagree with this. Anyway,...

In marriage context, I find love to be something that is confusing. I look at the marriage life around me and on the news. One time they said they love their spouse or partner, the other time they don't love them anymore and they decide to get divorce with common reason there's no more agreeable cause to keep their marriage going. One thing I know that you can't force the heart to love something when it actually feel nothing about it or hates it. And I think this is what happened to my sister in relation to her husband.

I remember long ago when she asked my opinion about the man. At that time his mother didn't approve her, just because she was the daughter of my parents. What kind of reason was that?! And she was undecided whether went to another island and new life there or stayed in town to face the challenge. And I said that she should face the challenge and found happiness with him, for the reason of her mother's refusal wasn't in accordance to the islamic law and I knew him to be a good man. I mean he's our neighbor all his life.
So she did it and they got married without the blessing of his mother till they got their first child, my dear nephew. His mother finally gave them the blessing and the family lived in peace. Until he had an affair with a woman who used black magic to capture him in different island on his sailing route. And the love they shared was shaken. Her feeling turn from love to pity to anger to sorrow to numbness over the year while she tried to cope with the situation. And now when he comes around I can understand if she isn't so forgiving to him yet.

In the Qur'an there is a verse that Muslims often use to quote in their wedding invitation. It is the verse that said "And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought." [QS 30:21]


It's something to ponder why instead of using the word 'mahabbah' the arabic word for love, HE used the word 'mawaddah wa rahmah' means affection and mercy? The definition given in freedictionary.com to affection is this:
1. fond attachment, devotion, or love: the affection of a parent for an only child.
2. a. emotion; feeling; sentiment: over and above our reason and affections.
    b. the emotional realm of love: a place in his affections.
3. a disease, or the condition of being diseased; abnormal state of body or mind: a gouty affection.
4. the act of affecting; act of influencing or acting upon.
5. the state of being affected.
6. a contingent, alterable, and accidental state or quality of being.
7. the affective aspect of a mental process.
8. bent or disposition of mind.
9. bias; prejudice. 
And the definition given to mercy is this:
1. compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power; compassion, pity, or benevolence: Have mercy on the poor sinner.
2. the disposition to be compassionate or forbearing: an adversary wholly without mercy.
3. the discretionary power of a judge to pardon someone or to mitigate punishment, esp. to send to prison rather than invoke the death penalty.
4. an act of kindness, compassion, or favor: She has performed countless small mercies for her friends and neighbors.
5. something that gives evidence of divine favor; blessing: It was just a mercy we had our seat belts on when it happened.

And thinking about this. It seemed to me that the relationship between man and woman that lead to marriage is firstly started with affection not love. In the past when the word love wasn't so easily used to manipulate others, marriage was often done without the woman know how their husband would be like. It was the work of match maker or her family interference to find her husband. And as time flew they learned about each other to finally accepted her husband to be her spouse till death separate them. There seemed to be not much courting happened before marriage like nowadays in which thing can easily spin out of control for the sake of libertine.

Here's the word affection takes important part. That in man and woman relationship each of them affect the other, first may come from the look then goes on to the deeper layer of their human aspects. The general guideline is given: don't be fooled by the look. That's why it was wisely said by prophet Muhammad SAW that man should choose the woman-to-be his wife based on her religious virtues instead of her look, her wealth nor her rank in society. Though if he could have those four qualities he would be the lucky man. When they married the affection is getting stronger and stronger because they live together and physically involved in sexual intercourse.

And as they get to know more, the chance to see their difference is also getting bigger. And this is understandable. Here's when mercy takes important part. Because seeing difference can lead to disagreement to quarreling to fighting to separation to divorce if it isn't managed mercifully. There's a javanese saying that getting married is similarly taking enemy. This is true when mercy isn't there. The fact that woman is different from man already make one to be 'enemy' of the other.

So where should love be in marriage?

Again I have to use the verse in Quran to put it into perspective. It is said "Say, [O Muhammad], "If your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your wives, your relatives, wealth which you have obtained, commerce wherein you fear decline, and dwellings with which you are pleased are more beloved to you than Allah and His Messenger and jihad in His cause, then wait until Allah executes His command. And Allah does not guide the defiantly disobedient people." [QS 9:24] based on the given verse it is clearly stated that love should be directed to Allah and His Messenger and striving hard in His Cause (jihad fii sabilillah).

People so often don't understand that in loving Allah means they should love also His creation, particularly human being as his best creation. And in loving His Messenger they should also love and try to take his best virtue in treating others. And His Cause nothing else but to bring out the best of our human quality. So in dire situation where marriage as the basic foundation of society was on the brink of divorce, the love that is directed to the right direction will color the affection and mercy that gives peace harmony and prosperity to each members.

And I hope my sister and her husband will find way to mend what is broken and live their family life consciously instead taking it for granted.

Hello and Goodbye

Last night (27/11) was a movie night. It's been quite a while I didn't buy dvd movies to add my collections. I just didn't have time to watch them. So last friday I happened to buy dvds. Actually I supposed to buy Thai movies. My staff asked if I could bring him some Thai movies as a gift from Bali. But when my friend took me to a video shop and they didn't sell any Thai movies, those American movies had their hands waving at me imploring *,^ ...... and finally got me to buy some. Well, what do you think of 8 movies?! Are they too many?! Hehehe... Well, I paid for 6 and got 2 for free. I guessed it's pretty good deal :D

I thought I would watch them if (I didn't know when) I wasn't too tired or reading book or occupied by some works in the evening. And last night was the time. I watched 2 movies which both essentially were about hello and goodbye and the time in between. Wasn't it all the ideas of movies and film story? Including our life here?! .... Anyway, the title was 'Before Sunrise' and 'One Day'. I'm not going to tell their stories. You may find them in the internet. I'm about to write my own story and an insight on that topic. Because by watching those movies, something inside wanted me to write. So here it is.

Hellos

Yes. This is about our first encounter with something or someone. This is about the beginning of our (any) episode of life story. This is about the starting point in which something growing in us. And as I reflected on any kind of hellos that I experienced in life, I think there are four elements that I can consider important. They are the I, the me, the timing, and the scenario.

Now, why the I is important in the hellos? Because all this time, the I is the subject of the whole things called experience. The I is the VVIP player to make life scenario happening. It's like, without the I there will never be anything called experience. So, the I is the one who needs to be talked about.

And as I perceived my first encounter with new other people, I drew my own conclusion in my interaction with people. The conclusion is so often very subjective for it is usually affected by the way I feel or my personal character. This personal character is either inherent or shaped by my past experience. For example some people easily adapt to new environment, but other have difficulty in adapting to new environment. Some people are easily giving trust to others, but some other take time to trust others. These kind of characters are inherent and to lessen it of course people need to understand the lack of them and deliberately challenge their own weakness (if they're considered weakness).

It's the same with me. I was actually a shy person and took time to trust. I remember, for me to get along with my host family especially my host father when I lived for the first time with them, it took me 3-4 months until I could talk openly with them. Before that I was either too shy to speak english, or too dumb to make sentences, or too ignorance to make comments, or too quiet to start conversation. And few days ago, I read a book about the secrets behind birth date in accordance to Quran. As I read mine, it said so. Having this character, in my 'hellos' I try to be an easy going person so that people won't judge me being a difficult or snobbish person. However it's not always happened. Because of the me part that come to play.

The me part is the part of how other people perceive me. And here's where I have no control of what other people think or feel about me. It's like they see what I can't see in me. As much as I try to be and present myself to be an easy going person, new people often perceive me wrongly. Like the other week, when I chatted with my colleague while having dinner together she told me this. She knew me quite a while when she was stationed in Yogja shop and I visited the shop with the owner. She told me how she felt kind of bashful to me. Maybe she felt so from my unconscious body language or the way I presented myself that she perceived. And after she knew me quite a while, she realized I wasn't as what she thought I was, with that she had courage to tell me so. On her remark I could only laugh in accepting my fate on how often I had been perceived wrongly by people because I had heard that kind of comment not only from two or three different persons. I don't know how to change that kind of perception, so I let time tell them otherwise. That's the me situation on the hellos.

And the timing is related with which episode of life I have to play. It's like my hellos in the past compared to nowadays is different. As I told you I used to be a shy person when I was little. I remember clearly when my sister took me to join a drama club nearby my house and I was being tested to introduce myself and to do some dramatic role in front of them. For me it was embarrassing which I can't really remember what I had to do. And that was my first and last time with the club. And as I learned more to overcome my own feeling, I gained my confidence and that's how I become an easy going person. And because of that experience, every time I encountered with a new shy people especially female I try to make them comfortable by starting conversation or just being friendly.

The timing is always related with scenario. You can meet people anywhere. The way we behave in a deliberate meeting compare to by-chance meeting will be different. It's the same with me. In a deliberate meeting where I know the kind of people I will meet, I have the basic information that will help me to present myself in the way I dress up, my speaking manner and the content of conversation I will use. While in the by-chance meeting will be different. Situation and places will be in my consideration whether it is necessary to talk or not. When I'm not in the mood of conversation especially when traveling in public transport alone, I either sleep or read a book or enjoy the scenery. This is also to avoid people esp. men with bad-intention when I was traveling alone. It's really a common sense.

Goodbyes

Goodbye to some people is hard to do or be done. It's a lot easier to say hello than to say goodbye. And just like in the hellos, in the goodbyes there are four important elements involved; they are the I, the me, the timing and the scenario.

The first goodbye that I made was to my father. I wasn't sure the real meaning of it but I knew that he died. Because as I walked inside the house that afternoon, my oldest sister was crying hysterically till collapsed and my other brothers and sisters and relatives were crying too. And people started to make preparation for burial. And what did I do? I was crying too and hid myself in the back room. I was just a little girl at that time. That goodbye was the end of my father's life but the beginning of his good memory in me. His anger to my brother or neighbor was acceptable, his stubbornness as maduranese man when fighting with my mother was lovable, his stupidity (or was it his sense of humor?! In asking someone to get a stove to heat up the motorbike) was laughable. His stinginess as my mother said was forgivable. The memory of his love to me remain wonderful.

And then come another goodbye when for the first time ever I had to leave my family to go to Jakarta on the train then to other country for exchange student program. I was quite scared though I went with my friend's family but in different compartment. I was sad that I wouldn't see my mother for another one year and scared of what I would face but I had to be brave. The man who sat next to me who happened to be a lecturer in a state university encouraged me that it would be alright. That goodbye was the beginning of my new experience that later as years unfold shaped my life to be more meaningful.

And there's another goodbye that contained both happy and sad feeling. It was my graduation year in Australian high school. I was there for a year and in the last grade. So by the time I almost finished my exchanged student program, I also finished my high school. The goodbye feeling was different from the experience with my friends from exchange students program though we only met during the orientation camps. Why I said it was sad? Because though I'd done good in my study, I didn't feel like I belong to the school. I didn't have close friends that I could say I would miss them. My school life was wonderful (as I recall the school camps and classes I took) but I didn't have much time hanging out with them to validate the feeling of belonging. The happy one was because I had my host family and Thai friend (from exchange student program) with me to enjoy the party. We even had a picture of four laughing faces because of funny act done by my host parents. What I learned from that goodbye was I promised myself that I wouldn't waste my next school years to be a boring kind of life. So what I did? As I entered the new class which I thought at that time full of timid and meek students, I started to make noises, did some little outrageous things just for the fun of it, do some sneaky little things that would cheer the class ups. 'Cos I was a new student to them, I was easily known and later become the kind of trouble maker, mildly saying - at least my mother never got a call from school for my misbehaving hehehe... And luckily I did well on the subjects to compensate it :D And it was fun and memorable to me and my classmates. And the goodbye become too difficult that as up to now, the bond is strong enough to gather us during Hari Raya holiday in our hometown to just say hello and have lunch together.

And then another goodbye to my mother. I had the vision about two years before her farewell when I was so far away from her. So I quit my job and went home. As time approaching to the end of her time, I prepared myself to accept the situation solemnly. And the vision became reality. That goodbye had taught me about the value of time, the vision and the spiritual world.

Oh, and another goodbye was to a man. I think it was the worst goodbye I ever experienced. I cried for days that I looked ugly. And I never cried that much before except for my mother. The sad thing about it because I was judged wrongly. He was the one who encouraged me to write anything to him but he got hurt because of my writing. For me the comparison of our relationship was like Rumi with Syams-i Tabriz. Rumi found his inspiration when he met Syams-i Tabriz and even more after he left him. From this goodbye I learned about unconditional love and the Eternal Love. The fact that I can still love him after being misjudged is a proof that I can experience and feel the unconditional love and that I can be in peace and loving feeling even after he left me validate the Eternal Love within. Like Rumi said 'The heart of a lover is a bed of roses'. but then we know that with roses come also the thorn. So when you hold a rose with its thorn, will you throw away the rose, just because your hand got hurt by its thorn?

Now the me part is something else. As the hello and the time in between got them to know me well, when the goodbye happened I had friends that would miss me and hoped to see me again someday. And honestly it feels good because it means that I have been something or someone to them, not just a passer-by. And the other day, there's a quote from Rumi that said "wherever you are, be the soul of that place". I think the expression of my friends in a way is telling me that I have been a soul when I'm with them. Alhamdulillah.

The Big Picture

Of all the hellos and goodbyes we experienced in life there is one essential hello and goodbye that is the very beginning and the very end of our ability to sense and experience life as it unfolds for us in this world. Do we know it? Do we understand its significance?

Our first hello to this world

The very beginning of our life to most of us is the day we were delivered from our mother's womb and entered this world. Such a profound and magical thing there was. And as my Self Knowledge teacher kept reminded me in the videos I translated last month. How important is that first breath we took. Because when it failed to come we would never be here, we would never experience anything called life, we would be buried either that day or the next day. That's why my spiritual teacher took importance of the birth date. They both emphasized that very day, that very moment is the moment that we should be most grateful of. It doesn't matter how long or how short our life is, but that very moment is the moment that we are something or someone to our parents, our siblings, our relatives, the doctor, the nurse, the midwife and most certainly to our Creator.

I know to some people, this statement may sound so out of mind. Especially to those who had or have been or is in the dark, pain and sorrow throughout their life. I can understand their cynicism. But one thing I learned from Self Knowledge is to separate life from scenario of life. Scenario of life can be anything from good to bad, from right to wrong, from high to low. But life is something else.

Life is Life. It is the force that keep us growing. It is the force that keep us thriving. It is the force that is staying with us from that very moment. It has many names yet it is mysterious in its own unique way. People love to think about the guardian angel that keeps us in safety, but they forget about Life that keeps them company at any moment they exist. it is Life that give us the thing called our time. And the day life leave us, it is the end of our time here, in this stage called the world. And that is our real goodbye.

In the dusk birds fly home.
So does the soul when it comes.

The scenarios of goodbye can take shape in any way possible from peaceful sleep to terrible accident, from peace to agony. But all has the same symptom, that is when the breath no longer coming, when life no more keep us company. How dreadful it is? To some people it is dreadful, because they never know and learn and understand the essential foundation of their living experience. And they fear that moment, yet sooner or later it will come.

My goodbye moment to my mother taught me that every one is actually given a chance to know the end of their time. It is the fairest thing our Creator ever give us. In fact of all the things that's going on in our life, our Creator is always giving signs for us to look and ponder upon so that we can make the right decision. The difference is whether we will take that as a sign or not. If you want to see the outside proof of my statement here, look at the outside world. The dawn is the sign for the coming of the day, the dusk is the sign for the coming of the night, autumn is the sign for the coming of winter and spring is the sign for the coming of summer. Yet we hardly relate them to our life. In the book of Ihya' Ulumuddin, Imam Ghazali r.a. had written about the sign of this goodbye. I will not elaborate it here. You can find out yourself.

In Between

As I have said earlier that once I learned about the sad goodbye in my high school, I do not wish for another one. So I filled the time in between to be as meaningful as possible to even make some stupid or outrageous little thing without trespassing principle boundary I set for myself, that is never insult or jeopardize other people's life or committed great sin. In doing so, I may not always do things meaningfully. So often I do so many meaningless action, like..... What?!

You know when I tried to mention the meaningless action, I realize that nothing is meaningless. All of them are meaningful, though others may think they are meaningless. Some may argue, even the other part of me argue that there are lots of things I did in the past were meaningless. It isn't meaningless because I realize that nothing that ever happened in my life is without the presence of Life. As I witnessed and played my part and all that accompanied it, life has made whatever I did to be meaningful.

You want to know some meaningless action that I realized it was meaningful? Yawning. To some people it maybe meaningless but to me it is the sign that I'm tired and my body need to rest. Scratch my head. Some people may think it is unnecessary gesture, but to me it can be a reminder that I need to wash my hair hehehe... Immobilize. Others may think that it is an idle and wasting time, but to me I am enjoying the company of life, the coming and going of my breath. So part of me that see the big picture can't find any action that I think of as meaningless but my other part that see the world can give me list of meaningless action from reading novels, chit-chat with my friends, wearing make up, sleeping, browsing through internet and so on and so forth. The more I try to list down, the harder it becomes.

And as I can truly feel the presence of life with me, it becomes my best friend. My great thanks to my Self Knowledge teacher who has introduced me and made me understand its significance. Hopefully at the end of my time here, when I have to say goodbye to life, all the memory of good time with life will give me all the courage I ever need and the positive attitude to welcome the death and be in its company. And as life becomes my best friend, hopefully death can also be my best friend to keep me company in the world beyond.