Where is grief

I see you in agony
I hear you crying
Yet, I am in wonder why?

I know you lose someone precious to you
As I did long ago of my mother
Yet, I realize a passing moment

Death and life is a natural dance

Coming and going is as natural as this breath

When it comes and keeps on coming, 

We are alive

When it leave and never coming back,

We are death. 

It's what's between that makes this life precious. 

And it is worth living. 

So rather than in agony,

I choose to live and celebrate this life. 

Where is grief?

It is in humanity

As we are human being with blood and flesh,

We feel love and lost.

Where is grief?

It is but a darkness of unknown.

When you are always with the Beloved,

You don't have to be in grief. 

Grievance isn't significant with understanding.

A sense of Direction

Somehow listening to the song brings back the bitter sweet feeling.

A faithful heart in the midst of all distraction and temptation.

Keeping the heart to be in faith isn't as easy as writing it.

It takes courage, knowledge, determination and trust to the Unknown.


To be alone yet not so lonely.

To be in silence even in the crowd.


To learn and have the ability to listen to the unspoken words.

To read and have the ability to see the big sign in the universe.

To get ready and be ready to experience the magic of the running river meeting the ocean.


In its gentle sway, the river whisper her devotion to the ocean...

Your love has led me to you.

For that I eternally love you

Hakikat Pengajaran

Belakangan ini pelajaranNya adalah tentang pengajaran. Paling tidak itulah kesimpulan saya membaca keping-keping pengalaman yang terangkai dalam dua minggu terakhir. Saya ingin menuliskan ini saat menonton kisah Mahadewa yamg berlatar belakang cerita yang berkembang di agama Hindu. Film itu sedang diputar di ANTV sejak beberapa waktu yang lalu dan sampai kini serialnya masih berlanjut.

Cerita Hati

Minggu lalu, setelah bertafakur tentang qolbun saliim di artikel sebelumnya, saya memutuskan untuk menuliskan pemahaman saya tentang hati sebagai artikel tersendiri. Maka inilah adanya.

Saya merasa perlu memisahkannya karena saya menyadari ada beberapa aspek yang menurut saya perlu dituliskan guna menjelaskan beda kata yang satu dengan kata yang lain. Seperti saya tulis sebelumnya bahwa Al-Quran menggunakan kata-kata yang berbeda untuk menunjukkan istilah hati pada manusia.

Mari kita awali keterangan ini dengan menyajikan pelajaran yang saya terima dari guru Self Knowledge saya, Mr. Prem Rawat.

Kepemimpinan dalam Proses Pembelajaran

Saya belum tahu akan diberi judul apa tulisan ini. Hanya saja, pengalaman yang sedang saya jalani kali ini adalah seputar kepemimpinan. Mungkin inilah pelajaran yang saya terima dua tiga pekan terakhir ini. Pengalaman itu bercampur dengan aspek-aspek lain menyangkut kepedulian pada orang lain, kondisi bangsa dan pembelajaran pada generasi muda. Saya pun sebenarnya telah menulis sebuah artikel tentang kepemimpinan khususnya pada perempuan. Saya belum bisa publikasikan artikel itu disini karena saya kirim ke orang lain. Baiklah! Biarlah judul itu muncul di bagian akhir tulisan ini.

Longing for Greatness

Yesterday I was moving some of my file folders from my laptop to external hard drive. I don't want to lose my data when another crush happen to my laptop. It's getting old anyway. And it doesn't seem to work as it used to be after my act of stupidity took his life temporarily :) anyway....

Retaining the Good

Yesterday, my colleague came to my office while I was in the middle of noon prayer. She asked ome of the staff about the text message she received from the boss. It was an answer to her question sent to her mobile whether the company was going to have new year holiday or not. And the answer was "Go ahead, just have your holiday." in bahasa Indonesia of course. In receiving the message, she found it pretty confusing. So she tried to get second opinion (actually not just a second, but third, forth and fifth opinion of others since she showed the message to some other as well) whether it was a genuine 'yes' or a sham of 'no' answer.

I found this situation quite intriguing. Because for me it is quite simple. It is a yes answer, but to her it could have double meanings. A yes as it was genuinely written or a no with some scheming planned behind the yes answer, like some action of fatale femme in ensnaring her victim I watched the other night.

Pilihan atas Tindakan

Sekitar bulan Desember tepatnya tgl 25 Desember, beberapa orang yang mempunyai kerabat,  sahabat dan teman Nasrani mungkin mengalami kebingungan dalam bersikap untuk mengucapkan "Selamat Natal". Ini terjadi karena ada sebagian ulama yang mengharamkan pemberian ucapan itu dan ada sebagian kecil yang membolehkan termasuk diantaranya adalah alm. Gus Dur (Abdul Rahman Wachid) salah seorang presiden negeri ini. Gus Dur merupakan figur ulama moderat sekaligus negarawan yang membantu negeri ini menuju pada kehidupan beragama yang bebas dengan saling menghormati keyakinan masing-masing. Salah satu jasanya adalah memasukkan agama KongHuCu menjadi bagian dari agama yang diakui di Indonesia. Sebelumnya, para penganut Nabi KongHuCu utamanya dari kalangan orang-orang China hanya bisa mencantumkan salah satu dari lima pilihan agama yang ada yaitu Islam, Kristen Protestan, Kristen Katholic, Budha dan Hindu.

Freeing The Self From The Past

Proper treatment is needed
to rest the past in peace

I was told that I was holding on to the past and that I was trying to be self righteous in the letter I wrote to my friend. That I didn't have humility and wisdom in the way I wrote it. I was sad with such accusation as well as confused by the statement. 

He probably thought that I blamed him by bringing up the past. I didn't. I merely stated that his innocence respond was in a way had left a mark and I need his help to make it right. Because in his sight I was wrong and I needed him to show me what's right and at the same time help me to see that I am accepted instead of being casted out as what I thought I had been treated.

This had me thinking about how people freeing themselves from their past.

The Sky Within

What will you think of if I ever tell you that 'I want you and I need you'?
What do you think of when the word 'wanted' come up to you?
A picture of criminals for any bounty hunters to be pursued?
A movie of James Mc. Avoy, Morgan Freeman and Angelina Jolie under the same title "WANTED" ?

Someone is looking for something or someone?
Someone demands something?

The Reality of A Coin

head and tail

We all know about a small round metal that is called a coin has two faces, one with picture is called head and the other one usually with number is called tail. This reality is often used by people to make their random choices when they can't decide which one to take. Originally there is nothing wrong with the head nor the tail, but they can't make up their mind to decide. They are as they are. It could be that one prefer the head and the other prefer the tail. But as a coin, one can't get only one side of it. The two sides is as is. When it is used to make a random decision, it has no choice but to follow what has to be done when they're tossed in the air and then flipped to give the option. As the coin lying in our hand, we can only see the top side of it not the bottom one. One reality is shown while the other reality is hidden.

Sempurnanya Pengendalian Diri

Yaa ayyuhal ladziina aamanu kutiba 'alaykumush shiyaamu kamaa kutiba 'alal ladziina min qoblikum la'allakum tattaquun. [QS 2:183]

"Wahai orang-orang yang beriman diwajibkan atas kamu berpuasa sebagaimana telah diwajibkan atas orang-orang sebelum kamu agar kamu bertakwa."

Mirror of Life

A Mirror of Underworld

There is a part in the story of vampire in which the living when they interacted with the vampire species, they won't be able to see their image in the mirror. Because in reality they're considered not existed. In the film of Van Helsing, there was a scene where Anna was dancing with nothing as seen in the mirror, but what she experienced was that she danced with Count of Dracula. Though it's just a fiction, a work of the mind with its fantasy, it was then raised a question of which one is real and which one isn't. One that can be seen in the mirror or the one that can't be seen in the mirror? And further question is then what is real and what isn't?

In the story of Dracula what differentiate the two species is: one is considered having life and the other isn't. Yet, the unique ideas of the story is that the one without life is the one that is considered to be eternal. Because they had been through death before and alive in different realm. And the unique tool to measure whether one is real human or an unreal human - called Dracula - is a mirror.

A Mirror of Death

NARKISSOS (or Narcissus) was a young man from the town of Thespiai in Boiotia, a son of the river-god Kephisos and the fountain-nymph Liriope. He was celebrated for his beauty, and attracted many admirers but, in his arrogance, spurned them all. The suffering of two, however, brought down upon him a deadly curse. First there was the nymphe Ekho--a girl cursed by Hera to repeat only the last words of what was said before. When she was rejected by the boy, Ekho faded away in her despair leaving nothing behind but the haunting voice of her echo.

The other admirer was the youth Ameinias who became distraught when Narkissos cruelly spurned him and slew himself before his door, calling on the goddess Nemesis to avenge him. His prayer was quickly answered, when Narkissos fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool. Gazing endlessly at the reflection, he slowly pined away and was transformed by the nymphs into a narcissus flower. Others, however, say he was filled with despair and remorse and killed himself beside the pool. From his dying life's blood the flower was born.

Source: http://www.theoi.com/Heros/Narkissos.html

the mirror become the cause of his death

Here gazing into the mirror had become a way to bring death to Narciscus. He merely looked to the mortal - his physical being. He couldn't see beyond the image that was reflected in the mirror. His arrogance had blinded him to see the other aspect of his being alive.

A Mirror of Sya'ban

There is one exemplary virtue showed by the great Prophet Muhammad SAW that is when we look at our appearance in the mirror we are taught to recite a prayer "Allohumma kamaa hasanta kholqin fa hassin khuluqi" which means "O Allah, just as You have made my external features beautiful, make my character beautiful as well."  I have known about this for quite long time and practiced it on occasion.

But then when my great spiritual master taught us to perform it in particular time in the month of last Sya'ban - the eighth month in Islamic calendar, something within became fascinated. Why it had to be done in such particular day and time? Why did he tell us to do it in the month of Sya'ban? What is the significance of doing it? These question raised in my mind. And I seek the answer within to find its significance to myself.

" O Allah, just as You have made my external features beautiful,
make my character beautiful as well."

According to a Muslim Sufi Yahya bin Mu'az, Sya'ban that consisted of five letters they're syin, 'ain, ba', alif and nun has its significance. For the letter syin derived from the word syarafatun or syafa'atun which means preciousness and blessing. The letter 'ain is derived from the word al 'izzah wa karomah which means the victory and excellence. The letter ba' is derived from the word al birru which means the goodness. The letter alif is derived from ulfaa which means mercy and the letter nun is derived from the word nuur which means the light. So if Rajab is the month of purifying the body, Sya'ban is the month of purifying the heart then Ramadhan is the month of purifying the soul. (source: Durrotun Nasihiin).

The prophet Muhammad SAW said that the month of Sya'ban was his month and that he fasted meritorious fasting more in the month of Sya'ban should tell us - as a Muslim something. For his action is full of knowledge and wisdom. As narrated by Aisha RA that Sya'ban  "is among the months that Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.s) loves very much and that is the month of Sya'ban”. The importance of Sya'ban to Muslim in following the best example of the great prophet Muhammad SAW you can read it here.

And back to the virtue of gazing in the mirror while reciting the prayer, so what is its significance? I found the answer - at least that's what my heart told me in the story by Faridduddin Attar.

Looking into the image in the mirror isn't just about looking into our physical form but rather looking deeper into the soul that gives the physical form ability to be alive, to have sight and be able to see and to appreciate the beauty that is reflected in the mirror. The act of looking into the mirror is no longer a narcissistic type of act but a form of worship to the Ever Living Soul (Ar Ruuh).

A Mirror of Inner World

A unique story on mirror is given in the story of Mantiquth Thair (Conference of the Birds) by Faridduddin Attar in which when only several birds left in the journey of finding the Simurgh. Who is Simurgh and Where does Simurgh reside?
...
The other birds protest and the hoopoe tells them of their relationship with the Simorgh

The other birds in turn received their chance to show off their loquacious ignorance. All made excuses – floods of foolish words flowed from these babbling, rumour-loving birds. Forgive me, reader, if I do not say all these excuses to avoid the Way; but in an incoherent rush they came, and all were inappropriate and lame. 

How could they gain the Simorgh? Such a goal belongs to those who discipline the soul.

The hoopoe counselled them: “The world holds few as worthy of the Simorgh’s throne as you, but you must empty this first glass; the wine that follows it is love’s devoted sign. If petty problems keep you back -- or none -- how will you seek the treasures of the sun? In drops you lose yourselves, yet you must dive through untold fathoms and remain alive.This is no journey for the indolent -- our quest is Truth itself, not just its scent!”

When they had understood the hoopoe’s words, a clamour of complaint rose from the birds: “Although we recognize you as our guide, you must accept -- it cannot be denied -- We are a wretched, flimsy crew at best, and lack the bare essentials for this quest. Our feathers and our wings, our bodies’ strength are quite unequal to the journey’s length; For one of us to reach the Simorgh’s throne would be miraculous, a thing unknown. At least say what relationship obtains between His might and ours; who can take pains to search for mysteries when he is blind? If there were some connection we could find, We would be more prepared to take our chance. He seems like Solomon, and we like ants; How can mere ants climb from their darkened pit up to the Simorgh’s realm? And is it fit that beggars try the glory of a king? How ever could they manage such a thing?” 

They begin a new life in the Simurgh and contemplate the inner world. Simurgh,
it turns out, means thirty birds; but if forty or fifty had arrived, it would be the same

The hoopoe answered them: “How can love thrive in hearts impoverished and half alive? ‘Beggars’, you say -- such niggling poverty will not encourage truth or charity. An man whose eyes love opens risks his soul -- his dancing breaks beyond the mind’s control when long ago the Simorgh first appeared -- his face like sunlight when the clouds have cleared -- he cast unnumbered shadows on the earth, on each one fixed his eyes, and each gave birth. 

Thus we were born; the birds of every land are still his shadows -- think, and understand. If you had known this secret you would see the link between yourselves and Majesty; do not reveal this truth, and God forfend that you mistake for God Himself God’s friend. If you become that substance I propound, you are not God, though in God you are drowned; those lost in Him are not the Deity -- this problem can be argued endlessly. 

You are His shadow, and cannot be moved by thoughts of life or death once this is proved. If He had kept His majesty concealed, no earthly shadow would have been revealed, and where that shadow was directly cast the race of birds sprang up before it passed. Your heart is not a mirror bright and clear if there the Simorgh’s for does not appear; no one can bear His beauty face to face, and for this reason, of His perfect grace, he makes a mirror in our hearts -- look there to see Him, search your hearts with anxious care.
....

The journey of the birds takes them through the seven valleys of the quest, love, understanding, independence and detachment, unity, astonishment, and finally poverty and nothingness. In the valley of the quest one undergoes a hundred difficulties and trials.

After one has been tested and become free, one learns in the valley of love that love has nothing to do with reason. The valley of understanding teaches that knowledge is temporary, but understanding endures. Overcoming faults and weaknesses brings the seeker closer to the goal. In the valley of independence and detachment one has no desire to possess nor any wish to discover. To cross this difficult valley one must be roused from apathy to renounce inner and outer attachments so that one can become self-sufficient. 

In the valley of unity the Hoopoe announces that although you may see many beings, in reality there is only one, which is complete in its unity. As long as you are separate, good and evil will arise; but when you lose yourself in the divine essence, they will be transcended by love. When unity is achieved, one forgets all and forgets oneself in the valley of astonishment and bewilderment.

The Hoopoe declares that the last valley of deprivation and death is almost impossible to describe. In the immensity of the divine ocean the pattern of the present world and the future world dissolves. As you realize that the individual self does not really exist, the drop becomes part of the great ocean forever in peace. The analogy of moths seeking the flame is used. 

Out of thousands of birds only thirty reach the end of the journey. When the light of lights is manifested and they are in peace, they become aware that the Simurgh is them. They begin a new life in the Simurgh and contemplate the inner world. Simurgh, it turns out, means thirty birds; but if forty or fifty had arrived, it would be the same. By annihilating themselves gloriously in the Simurgh they find themselves in joy, learn the secrets, and receive immortality. So long as you do not realize your nothingness and do not renounce your self-pride, vanity, and self-love, you will not reach the heights of immortality.' 

Attar concluded the epilog with the admonition that if you wish to find the ocean of your soul, then die to all your old life and then keep silent.

In gazing in the mirror, I witnessed sincerely that "Asyhadu an laa ilaaha illa Allah wa asyhadu anna Muhammadar Rasuulullah" - There is no God but Allah and indeed Muhammad is the His messenger.

Ayunan hidup

Dari timur Kau bawa kami ke barat
Dari barat Kau bawa kami ke utara
Dari utara Kau bawa kami ke selatan
Dari selatan Kau bawa kami ke awal

Untuk kembali kami ke rukun
Tempat dan waktu kami berayun
Di atas bumiMu yang berayun
Bersama jagadMu yang berayun

Dari bawah Kau bawa kami ke atas
Menuju kesempunaan sebagai manusia
Dari atas Kau turunkan kami ke bawah
Menuju kemuliaan sebagai manusia

AyunanMu tetap melekat di kami
Memindah kami dari satu kembali ke satu
Menyempunakan penciptaan

Berayun - Tanda Kehidupan
Nampak nyata namun tidak dikenal

Menetapkan tanda keahadan

Di atas wajah bumi kami berayun
Dalam buaian ibu kami berayun
Dalam nafas kami berayun
Di atas mainan itu kami berayun


Dari satu kau buat kami
Menjadi banyak dalam kesatuan
Untuk kau satukan kembali kami
Dalam ragam akhir kehidupan

Terpujilah Sang pengayun sejati
Laku tanganNya tlah memahat batu
Buai ayun pahatNya jadi sumber pelipur hati
Menata kami kembali satu

A Broker of Nothing

I shouldn't be mad
Nor should i be disappointed
I am in the middle of nothing.

One don't seem to need the other
And the other don't feel like responding
Thus I am in the middle of nothing.

Should I leave them be?
Get busy with my own agenda
Forget this whole business of nothing.

Yet, my conscience will question me.
I am to be responsible for the decision I made.
I can't turn my back on nothing.

It is not about a promise to trivial things
It is about taking responsible to heart
that to others seem nothing.

As a broker of this nothing
I gain not a thing
The virtue certainly gain something.

That is keeping the promise
That is taking responsible
That is being true to myself.

Jauh itu

Jauh itu artinya
Jarak yang memisahkan
Waktu yang menbedakan
Beda yang mengontraskan

Jauh itu artinya
Setinggi gunung dan sedalam ngarai
Seterang siang dan segelap malam
Sepekat hitam dan sebening air

Dan jauh itu juga berarti
Sedekat angan
Sejelas awan
Senyata lamunan

Mendekatlah wahai yang jauh
Agar angan menyisakan nyata
Untuk awan menurunkan hujan
Mengubah lamunan menjadi harapan

Al Kautsar

Sungguh telah Engkau turunkan
Untuk kami sesuatu itu
Yang melimpah ruah
Namun amat sedkit di kesadaran kami

KemurahanMu telah membuat
Kami lalai dalam penerimaan
Hingga yang melimpah itu
Tertinggal sedikit dalam rangkuman kami

KaruniaMu tiada terbatas
Kemampuan kami membuatnya terbatas
Maka menyembahMu adalah tebusan
Untuk memupuk kesadaran kami

Sembah kami bagiMu
Sang Maha Pencipta
Rukuk kami bagiMu
Sang Penguasa Alam
Sujud kami untukMu
Sang Pengajar Semesta
Tahiyyat kami untukMu
Tuhanku Yang Maha Pemurah

Di setiap nafas karuniaMu datang
Melimpahkan ruahan masa
Namun sempit wadah kesadaran
Menjadikan sedikit penerimaan ini

Dan berqurban
Adalah pilihanMu
Bagi kami untuk bersyukur
Atas al KautsarMu

Karena yang melimpah ini
Tak akan pernah sebanding
Dengan yang terkumpul disini
Kemurahan-Mu melampaui mampu kami

Kami tak ingin membenci
Rahmatlah yang kami tuju
Kedamaian yang kami harap
Keselamatan yang kami rindu

Engkau yang memutus putus
Bagi mereka membenci.
Karena rahmat beserta cinta
Dan limpahan rahmat adalah Al Kautsar.

The Night Journey of The Self

Subhanallah, Alhamdulillah wa Laa ilaaha illallah Allahu 

Akbar wa Laa hawla walaa quwwata illa billah

The night of 27 Rajab this year 1434H (5 June 2013) had been a joy unparalleled to me. It was an experience of enlightenment. The Realization of Truth, a manifestation of both teachings that I have learned all this time from my two great teachers of Thariqah Shiddiqiyyah and Self Knowledge. It was the night for me to realize and being transported in the Mi'raj of the Self. By His Grace, my wings had lifted me high to His Throne; the two wings of the Thariqah and Self Knowledge teachings.

In The Eyes Who Behold

Last weekend I visited my hometown. And I met up two of my friends, one is male the other is female. Both already married and have children. The female one is my childhood best friend. And the male one is my later friend. You may say I am his mentor for he is several years younger than me. First time we met about 2004s after I returned home from Batam island. He was my cousin's friend who'd been my English student. They got in touch with me in different situation. And their difference is caused by Self Knowledge.

Spiritual Pregnancy

This is not about the physical pregnancy. This is about spiritual pregnancy :) in which you bear something but you can't really know for sure how the outcome. The modern technology may use USG to identify some physical aspect to decide the gender. This pregnancy can only rely on divine knowledge and wisdom.

Spritual pregnancy is only my term to define the situation. in sufism world,  it falls in the category of 'haal' that is situational state not 'maqom' which is a state of stability.

So here is the state of the 'spiritual pregnancy'. :)

I don't know what's wrong with me that when talking about dream and wish, I'd rather make the wish of other people come true. I'll do anything to help them to execute their wish as long as it is within my capability and it is for the betterment of people in general.

But when related to my personal dream, I hesitate and find myself not knowing what I have to do to it. It's like I'm content with myself, that all the wishes I ever wished for have come true, that I accept all things I don't have as is not meant for me now.

And all the while, I heard and read that people should have big dream and thrive to make it come true. But every time I look into myself and figure out how to do it, I become confused. It is a lot easier for me to execute the dream of others and turn it into reality than to execute my own dream. There's a voice inside that questioned me "are you not content with MY decree that you have to follow other people's opinion instead of listening to MY voice?".

And that voice stopped me to do something that I may find selfish. Is this the decree of a servant? To be of a servant? To serve others for the Inner voice had told me so and the contentment is in helping others instead of helping myself, in making others find happiness? Is this the decree of a servant? To think and care of others than their personal needs? To prioritize others than their own wish? To be good to others all the time? And take their own self at fault all the time? And let themselves to be a place to blame all the time?

Yesterday, I read a note in my friend's wall about being nasty. And I thought, it's alright. Because I find that to be good all the time isn't fun nor it is challenging. Being naughty sometimes is good. Being stubborn sometimes is good. Being incorrigible sometimes is good. Being bad sometimes is good. Being at fault sometimes is good. Being blunt sometimes is good. Being crude sometimes is good.

We have a motivational speaker on TV that always advise something good, never mentioned a bad thing, at least not to my ear to hear or eyes to see. And I know the comparison to that. You know when we eat sugar all the time, sooner or later our palate will become saturated and dull to the point that we become bored and fed up and sick with sugar. We want something else as a change. Something salty or bitter or spicy to alter the taste.

The same to our mind. When the motivation we have is from outside, it is like eating sugar. It taste good but inside we should know the power limit of our absorption. Because when we have reached the level of saturated, all that is sweet will taste bitter. We become sick of it that we want to throw up. I don't  know if all those motivational speaker understand this.

They may want to help others, to boost the spirit of others, to please others by giving them some 'good' advise. But the good advice that sound sweet will taste bitter and sour to the person who reach the limit of saturated. This is what happened to me, I guess. Because I know the good words are good. But it doesn't make my feeling to be good. Something want to reach out to become reality but I don't know how. And I can't even define what that 'something' is. It is pregnant with some undefined thing. Is it good? I don't know. Is it bad? I don't know. Its undefinable character lies in the word possibility.

Glory be to Allah for Allah is the greatest.

He has created the world in such a vast colorful spectrum of life to let human being enjoy their life to the limit of their satisfaction. And the enticement is unlimited. It is said myriad of things are created trying to fulfill their dreams and passions. Without proper understanding of ourselves, I'm afraid we will be the slave of other things but OUR TRUE SELF.

As much as those motivational speaker make their sugary advice, this inner voice should be the one I hear more. For in following it, I find my contentment.

I remember one morning, a friend of mine asked me when I would be leaving. And my other friends who knew my habit responded that she shouldn't ask that question to me for they know that when it comes to personal plan I'm unruly. And they started arguing each other about her question to me. I was laughing at them. Understanding her reason for asking me that question, I then told her that I would be leaving late in the afternoon. They know that when it comes to serving others I'm very flexible with my time to the point that I sometimes can't really exact my timing of coming and going. I will just say till I'm done with them and something inside tell me to go.

Is it good? I don't know. Is it bad I don't know. To others they may find this to be irritating because they have their own agenda. At that moment, I usually tell them to go ahead with their plan and to leave me behind. I'm alright with that.