An Internship to Parenting

Last night the little daughter of my boss came into my room. She asked me to check her Qur'an reading before her teacher gave her reading test. So I put aside my notebook. After asking her to read the opening prayer, I started to hear her reading. In between I asked her why she came to me. And she told me that she was too afraid to ask her father to listened to her reading for she had been reprimanded for not greeting him in the afternoon. And I asked her what about her mother because I saw her signature in the report card. She said that her mother couldn't do for her lack of Arabic reading skill. So there I was listening to her reading and in between tried to make the reading process as pleasant to her as possible.

Undergoing Internship

I was amazed to her growth. When she was in her first grade she couldn't read any words that I had to help her by making some reading texts and taught her how to connect the letters and put them into words, just like the way I taught my kids students last time. Then her mother and school helped to improve her skill. Once in a while she came to me in my room to ask for help on English lesson. Last month I was requested to get her a computer. So there she got her laptop and again she came to me to help her to use it. Her parents don't have enough skill and time to teach her what to do with it and I was there for her. So when she came to me with her book on Qur'an reading, I can't help myself thinking what I would do if I were blessed with a child of my own.

I think I will do as what my mother did in term of religious teaching. She was my model in practicing Islamic regulation and she taught us how to read Qur'an when we couldn't go to our tutor for some reason. When the girl came to me, I remembered my mother and how I got tired sometimes in repeating the reading again and again. I saw my self in her as I asked her to do the same. That's why I made her repetition bearable with some smile and laughter. I mean just by telling her the rule that if she could make fluent reading three times consecutively she would be allowed to move to the next line. And she smiled her understanding. So when she made mistake in her second try she looked at me with a little grunt and I smiled raising my eyebrows and we broke up laughing because we knew the rule. That's the one I didn't get from my mother. I think I would be a good teacher for my own kid.

And to life and science, I am a left brain thinker that will make anything as logical to me as possible even to the loving feeling that is very illogical. So it will be a good asset to be a mother to the new citizen of this world. I was astonished how my colleague - a mother of a child - asked me to help her to console her baby girl because the girl was crying most of the time when she was going to work and leave her baby with the baby sitter. I'm not sure what to do so I think of the Quran verses to use to console a frightened heart. And I promised her I would help.

The childhood memory shaped us the way we are

And my two other colleagues - both having two boys - also asked me to help them deal with their naughty boys. I had to asked them what's wrong with the boys. One mother told me that he didn't want to go for Quranic lesson in nearby mosque and he was more interested to creative work. Listening to that, though I gave her the way to prevent the mischief using Qur'an verse, I told her that she shouldn't be worried too much because he was just a little boy not actually naughty. All she needed was to give him space and direction of what's good and what's bad. So often we adult judged children to be naughty and bad because they expressed what they felt and responded to the urge within instead of listening to their parents or school or societies. Let them grow naturally and introduce them to the default of good and bad then they will take the lesson for life. I am the product of that. And as my similar question found no substantial reason, I didn't give anything to the other woman. Previously I had given his son a blessed water to encourage him going to school and by the grace of Allah he did. He loved his school. I only told her that if the other boy was going to be fine, her son would get the effect. Because the two women are neighbors and the boys are friends to each other.

I mean I understand that every human being have their own life agenda to learn from baby. In fact following the words of the great prophet Muhammad SAW, they had started their teaching process since in their mother womb. So even when they're just kids they will learn something and certainly learn something. Science had said that kids age is the age where their ability to absorb any lesson reaches its peak. As much as I concern about their growth, I must respect their nature.

I think having Self Knowledge help me to restrain myself to interfere in the emotional and spiritual growth of others. I mean most loving mothers or parents always want the best for their kids that they would do anything to protect them from any hardship. But then there is another reality that hardship is good to keep human being grounded and strong. It's like we can't appreciate beauty without the existence ugly, good without the existence of bad, or success without the existence of failure.

Poems on Parenting

There are two beautiful parenting sayings that I like a lot. One is from Kahlil Gibran and the other from Dorothy Law Nolte. I put the poem of Kahlil Gibran On Children in my autobiography for my high school English assignment when I was in Australia. Here is what he said:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

And the poem of Dorothy Law Nolte on Children Learn What They Live was the one I had long time ago when I was teaching for Quran preschool. As I practiced the words I learned for my own self. Here is what she said:

If children live with criticism, 
         they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, 

         they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, 

         they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, 

        they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, 

        they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, 

        they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, 

        they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, 

        they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, 

        they learn patience.
If children live with praise, 

        they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, 

        they learn to love.
If children live with approval, 

        they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, 

        they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, 

        they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, 

        they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, 

        they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, 

        they learn respect.
If children live with security, 

        they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, 

        they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Discipline vs Freewill

Of all the concept that kids will be difficult to understand and grasp is discipline, especially when they are so enjoying with the game they play. I am learning to discipline myself apart from the five times prayers that has been a needs. My works, colleagues, friends and family have put me in such a way that I am to control myself to not let the self sliding down into laziness by letting too much free-will color my days.

So I know discipline is good to strengthen the self. Of all the discipline drill I had, I remembered my math teacher in primary school who walked around the class with wooden ruler ready to strike the hands with long dirty nails. I kind of feared her. But as I grew up I could see her perspective and she was forgiven for acting the way she was. And then a military discipline drill I had as part of student orientation when I studied in polytechnic, which also reminded me of the girl scout when I was children. I almost took a student regiment if only they allowed me to join with my head scarf on.

Since I'm still learning, I don't think I can preach moreover teach discipline. I will only rely on my daily habit with some faults here and there. Hopefully my partner can cover my lack of discipline in a more loving and compassionate way.

Responsible vs Carefree

With my nephew and niece at home, I tried to help them to be responsible from simple things he did, like putting the plate in the sink after eating or clean up the toys after playing or fold the blanket after sleeping though the folding may not be that good. And a praise or snack as a reward is there every time I go home and see them. And sometimes I don't give them anything. They need guidance from adult so they won't grow up carefree.

I remember my own learning process of being a responsible person. First it started in the family as my mother was a single parent. We had to share household work. In secondary school I was the cook to my family because my school time was in the afternoon. In higher education I was the dish washer and after that the house cleaner while my sister did the cooking. And we fell into pattern with no argument.

One of many lessons that I haven't been able to learn in this period of internship is the maternity during and after pregnancy hahaha.....I know, I know ... I need to have a husband and get pregnant to have it and it will no longer be about internship, it will be about being a novice :D Well, last time when my younger sister had her baby I was too afraid to nurse the tiny fragile baby so I just watched her and my older sister did to the baby. Luckily I didn't faint hahaha....

Learning from the past experience, I think I know what I will do if I have my kids, my own family. It will not be about following my own wishes but rather nurture them to be a person they are meant to be. Hopefully it will be a signature of my love and gratitude to my Creator, the Giver of all. And I know it takes a lot to be a mother, not just in term of knowledge but as well as physical, emotional and spiritual balance. So when the time to put theory into practice come and things get harder and tougher, I can always come back here and take the understanding of what needs to be practice as below mentioned :


51. Nurture
The Way bears all things; 
Harmony nurtures them; 
Nature shapes them; 
Use completes them. 

Each follows the Way and honors harmony, 
Not by law, 
But by being. 

The Way bears, nurtures, shapes, completes, 
Shelters, comforts, and makes a home for them. 

Bearing without possessing, 
Nurturing without taming, 
Shaping without forcing, 
This is harmony.