Sad Conscience

This is what I have been doing for quite sometime. Detaching myself to avoid the loving feeling from those around me. Even my niece when she asked me to come home more often then asked me to give her a bath while I was rushing to catch the bus to go to Bali. I feel like crying in writing this. Leaving her at home while her mother somewhere else is a cold hearted act of me,  because I had my own agenda of helping other but not the one closest to me. 

I am a person incapable of loving other at best as I can be, because I am afraid to get hurt again. It is in my mind that I decide to give love to anyone on my term instead giving out my self whole hearted. I am afraid that it will be thrown back on my face. I preserve myself for being used by others and left to nothing but negativity.  As much as I tried to be sincere the past experience taught me to not giving myself all out. Some self preservation notion to detach myself from anything or anyone that asking for my attention. 

This situation reminded me of my dear friend when he told me he loved me but somehow I just couldnt give my self out. My mind has plagued me in such a way that I just couldnt say yes as I was thinking of our religious difference. I could and still can love him on my term but I am unable to fulfill his wish.

And as I looked within this experience  evoke my conscience. I really shouldn't do it to my little niece. For she is innocence in all her action. She wanted to show her loving gesture to me and that I am important to her. God,  I was a wreckedful sorry ass for such a heartless aunt. 

As I was waiting for the bus to go,  I could only cry for my deliberate ignorance and heartless act. I am really sorry baby girl.  You may not think much about it and probably have forgotten about it. But I am not and I won't be for sometime. As this sad and ugly conscience hopefully will direct me back to find my loving self.

Kelam Berarak

Hari menuju kelam
Manakali mendung tebal datang berarak
Menutup matahari yang selalu benderang.

Sedikit yang peduli
Banyak yang acuh
Tersibukkan oleh dunia mereka.

Pemarah memimpin
Pembohong dipilih
Bahkan pemfitnah meraja.

Lalu kisah apa yang ingin kita ceritakan
Kala generasi mendatang bertanya
Tentang etika dan nilai kepemimpinan.

Kelam serasa semakin dekat
Kala pelita dunia semakin langka
Selamat sejahtera pun kuharap

Selamatkan kami wahai Sang Pelindung
Selamatkan kaum mukmin Oh Sang Pengasih
Terbitkan harapan bagi terangnya bangsa.

Juwana,  9 Nov 2016

Out of the box

Some years ago,  i had a thought of how someone just dont get me. A wonder why it was difficult to see beyond the boundary of our ideas and look into other people minds. Today,  I learned my lesson.

It happened in very simple way yet it may sound so stupid.  I mean,  i looked at an answer to the quiz that said 'my heart is useful'. My mode of thinking is philosophical and transcendental as I thought on so many things.  Then, all of the sudden,  my friend blurted out a rhethoric question. She asked me "Isn't all heart is useful?!"

That rhethoric question indeed told me something about me. I could see directly into her clear and simple mind, instead of my complicated one.  She saw the bottom line and go for it at the same time I saw my insecurity and procastination.  And i saw her wisdom and saw my stupidity.

It is a wake up call to the way I see things as in one direction instead of having so many layers and facets in accordance to whoever has their ideas into it.  Some may have similarity, some may have so contradictive point of views,  and some may have opposite ideas. It isnt limited to two sides of coin which is either true or false alone.

As this short enlightment hit me,  i could only laugh with her and admit my stupidity. 

Those who do not laugh, do not learn... My favorit quote from Tao Te Ching.

Damai BersamaNya

Kau pilih untuk berpaling
Aku mengerti
Karena aku mengingatkan akan masa lalu itu

Kau relakan aku pergi
Aku mengerti
Karena tanpaku kau temukan damai itu

Engkau lepas aku tanpa berkedip
Akupun mengerti
Karena ruang itu dicipta bukan untukku

Kini aku berlega hati
Melihatmu tegak melangkah
Dalam damai bersamaNya
Karena Dialah yang kita tuju

1 Syawal 1437H

A sense of Direction

Somehow listening to the song brings back the bitter sweet feeling.

A faithful heart in the midst of all distraction and temptation.

Keeping the heart to be in faith isn't as easy as writing it.

It takes courage, knowledge, determination and trust to the Unknown.


To be alone yet not so lonely.

To be in silence even in the crowd.


To learn and have the ability to listen to the unspoken words.

To read and have the ability to see the big sign in the universe.

To get ready and be ready to experience the magic of the running river meeting the ocean.


In its gentle sway, the river whisper her devotion to the ocean...

Your love has led me to you.

For that I eternally love you