This is what I have been doing for quite sometime. Detaching myself to avoid the loving feeling from those around me. Even my niece when she asked me to come home more often then asked me to give her a bath while I was rushing to catch the bus to go to Bali. I feel like crying in writing this. Leaving her at home while her mother somewhere else is a cold hearted act of me, because I had my own agenda of helping other but not the one closest to me.
I am a person incapable of loving other at best as I can be, because I am afraid to get hurt again. It is in my mind that I decide to give love to anyone on my term instead giving out my self whole hearted. I am afraid that it will be thrown back on my face. I preserve myself for being used by others and left to nothing but negativity. As much as I tried to be sincere the past experience taught me to not giving myself all out. Some self preservation notion to detach myself from anything or anyone that asking for my attention.
This situation reminded me of my dear friend when he told me he loved me but somehow I just couldnt give my self out. My mind has plagued me in such a way that I just couldnt say yes as I was thinking of our religious difference. I could and still can love him on my term but I am unable to fulfill his wish.
And as I looked within this experience evoke my conscience. I really shouldn't do it to my little niece. For she is innocence in all her action. She wanted to show her loving gesture to me and that I am important to her. God, I was a wreckedful sorry ass for such a heartless aunt.
As I was waiting for the bus to go, I could only cry for my deliberate ignorance and heartless act. I am really sorry baby girl. You may not think much about it and probably have forgotten about it. But I am not and I won't be for sometime. As this sad and ugly conscience hopefully will direct me back to find my loving self.
