Getting Caught in the Net of Fate

" The best human being is one that benefits humankind. "

[Muhammad SAW]

Yes, that word has caught me that I have no other way but submit myself to the Greater Cause of my life. And once again I have to give up my personal wish to serve humankind with the new position. I am appointed or promoted to be the general secretary of the Board of Central Leaders of Organisasi Shiddiqiyyah.

With this new position, my task is to manage the head office of Organisasi Shiddiqiyyah to actualize its missions; to protect the activity of the students of Thariqah Shiddiqiyyah, to uphold the righteous characters and eliminate the ignoble characters and greed as well as to make its students prosperous. It is such a difficult task and I know to do that there are some personal preference that I may have to give up. Not that it is requested, but this is just me looking at the situation, like I shouldn't laugh freely like a happy child or do some funny things just for the fun of it or speak my mind freely. They are in order to avoid giving people wrong ideas about the organization.


Personal Wish

At the end of my previous service as vice of general secretary I wished that I could start my personal goal to have a family life. But my wish had been taken away or at least had been postponed to unknown with things that happened along the way. The least I could think of right now is thanking the person who had wiped my dream away and left me with no choice but submit to the greater cause, that is to serve humankind.

I also marry women. So he who
does not follow my tradition in religion,
is not from me (not one of my followers)
[Muhammad SAW]

Now, I don't think having family life is included in the script of my life story at the moment. If it depends in me, then next time the proposal of marriage come along I should just forget about preference and let my great master to decide if the man who propose is good enough for me. I mean I had tried to place my preference up front, it didn't work. I had placed my preference behind, it still didn't work. Last chance is for me to let go of any preference and let them decide what they want of me and have my heart and mind shut off. I need to try and see if I can really do that. Nothing wrong with that for I need to practice harmony as in the verse of Tao Te Ching.

10. Harmony


Embracing the Way, you become embraced;
Breathing gently, you become newborn;
Clearing the mind, you become clear;
Nurturing your children, you become impartial;
Opening your heart, you become accepted;
Accepting the world, you embrace the Way.


Bearing and nurturing,
Creating but not owning,
Giving without demanding,
This is harmony.


Belief in Miracle

The other month when my friends asked me what I wished for, though I answered them laughingly it was indeed a serious one. That I wished of a husband. Because scientifically speaking my biological clock is reaching to a period where having a baby is getting difficult.Yes, I'm to be 40 this year.

The other bright prospect of this age is at the age of 40, Khadijah bint Khuwailid married a man named Muhammad bin Abdullah that later become the prophet which also happened at his age of 40. So I had two possibilities this year; one is my chance of having a baby is getting slim according to scientific theory and two is my chance of achieving a higher purpose in life.

Which one should I take? It will be very stupid to not taking both of the possibilities. If I don't take them, I will certainly become ungrateful servant of Allah.

"My Lord, grant me from Yourself a good offspring.
Indeed, You are the Hearer of supplication."
[QS 3:38]

Somehow in my having-no-other-choice-but-take-it situation, at the back of my mind and deep in my heart I still have another possibility. And that possibility is my faith to Allah in giving me something that is miraculously had been given to the wives of prophet Abraham AS and prophet Zachary AS that they both had their baby in their old age. My work is to see if my husband-to-be will also want it or not. I certainly have no thought of to be like Mary bint Joachim, the mother Jesus :) because that will be against the wills of Allah. That miracle is specifically designed for Jesus AS and Adam AS. [QS 3:59]


Why do I feel quite confident? Because I trust my fate to Allah and as I made my decision, I didn't serve myself. I serve a higher purpose in life. I mean I remember my friend's support on this topic. She said that if a banana tree had its offspring before death, why I wouldn't do the same. And if the wrongdoers had their descendant to continue their work, why I wouldn't do the same to continue the work. They're such a valid reason for me to not give up the hope in having a family life regardless the trouble I may face with the screaming, the diapers, the late night wake up etc, etc.



Anticipating the Unknown

To keep this wish on, I need someone with a lot of understanding and patience. But if Allah don't give me one, it will be my chance to learn improving my understanding and patience so that in times when he isn't very understanding and patience, I can be more understanding and patience in getting his uncaring behavior.

You know why I tell you this? Because my friends, my family, my situations have placed me in such a way that I almost forgot how to be a woman. I mean I remembered my last effort in trying to be a woman to a man that I loved, I ended up getting an insult and burned by his dragon. Under current situation, I can only thank him for giving up on me. It makes me easier to embrace my current fate.

And I can learn to look at someone else that will accept me as I am. Or I can try to hide my other existence and be a docile woman.... But that will be pretty difficult. It's like trying to be someone I'm not, which remind me of Mulan, a cartoon movie that I like very much. In its essence, she is very much like me.... Oh, or I can try to apply the higher wisdom in which the bravest heart appears meek [TTC 6. Following].

In honoring the Greater Cause of Life, one can't be someone she is not

And if things getting harder, I can practice the verse of reconciliation as given.

79. Reconciliation


When conflict is reconciled, some hard feelings remained;
This is dangerous.


The sage accept les than is due
And does not blame or punish;
For harmony seeks agreement
Where justice seeks payment.


The ancient said: "nature is impartial"
Therefore it serves those who serve all."

Hopefully the man that is destined to be my husband will give me a chance to be 'a woman'; such as giving me a chance to learn how to cook instead of punching computer keyboard or having him scolding me for burning food, giving me a chance to manage his house instead of reading books or getting his unpleasant comment on me being a lazy woman, giving me a chance to serve him instead of taking the leading role or having him sulking at my attitudes. Most importantly giving me a chance to keep on growing spiritually and intellectually while trying my best to perform my duty as his wife.

I know these requests need time to practice and to become a habit not to mention the other responsible to understand his nature. Yes, I am such a lousy woman when related with house work and certainly family life. My family and friends have spoiled my cooking skill that I don't have any confidence in doing it even though I had tried to minimize it by taking cooking class. Added to that, I also took sewing and embroidery classes and taught preschool for islamic kids. All were to get the feel of 'being a woman'. And that was many years ago. But I haven't taken beauty class hehehe,,, That is something I think as a waste of time, though it may attract men and get their attention. I'd rather read books; some of them were the muslim law of marriage, being a pious wife and how to prepare a pious children and some other woman empowerment books. So I am theoretically prepared but so out of practice hahaha... What a shame!

Anyway, I don't blame my family and friends. After all, we make a very good teamwork, I am the thinker and the leader while they are the operators and the followers.



Caught in the net of fate

So, here I am getting stuck with another leading assignment that hopefully will not take me further away from my womanly nature. I even have to talk tactfully to the general chairman, so that he will not give me the role as daily chairman for the organization. You know, in a company it will be like I'm to be the director and he is the trustee.

Do you know how I feel? It's the same as prophet Yunus AS got tossed out to sea water after the dices kept pointing at him to calm the sea storm. Because I have no reason to refuse the assignment. If I refuse, it means I run away from the battlefield. If I refuse, I will be an irresponsible person. If I refuse, I don't know who the replacement would be at the moment. If I refuse, I know I will be a very selfish person. If I refuse, I will have acted against my knowledge and wisdom. If I refuse, I will have rebelled to the wills of Allah. If I refuse, I will have turned away from following prophet Muhammad SAW. If I refuse, I don't serve humankind. If I refuse, I am leading myself to hell. So you see the more I think about this situation, the more I am getting caught up and drawn in the sea of Truth.

And it is He who subjected the sea for you
to eat from it tender meat and
to extract from it ornaments which you wear. [QS 16:14]

The other time, I was glad that my spiritual master had published a book under title 'By the grace of the Almighty Allah, Thariqah Shiddiqiyyah wherever whenever lives grows and flourishes wisely'. As if he knew something was about to happen and my idea was in accordance to his. That was my way of thinking when I talked with someone regarding a place to live. Because it isn't in the proximity of physical body we can be called a devotee. It is in the proximity of the spiritual feeling - where the essence of the teaching of thariqah is carried within - we can then serve humankind wherever and whenever we are situated.

So the book inspired me to think that if ever I have to be taken away from my current situation it will be again to serve higher purpose in life that is to benefits humankind in that particular area.

And if for some reason Allah doesn't allow me to have my own child, at least I have prepared other things to continue the good and righteous work. In the end of our time, the righteous heritage should be the one we shall leave behind. If I can't leave a righteous child or two, I can always leave the effect of the righteous deeds when I leave this world.

So what is this actually? This is not a lamentation of a desperate woman. This is a monologue of a woman who just pictured out her recent life and then consciously pushed back her personal wish to serve a higher purpose in life. Besides, if I have to lament on my current situation, it will only be to Allah following the saying of prophet Jacob AS 'I only complain of my sorrow and grief to Allah, and I know from Allah that which you know not' [QS 12:86].

Having all that beautiful pearls of life, I can only be grateful for this life and its contents that has been and will be given to me, that will include my getting-caught-up-in-the-net-of-fate situation.

May Allah strengthen me with His Knowledge, Wisdom and Guidance.