Soulful Relationship

The last two weeks something inside wanted to come ashore in the form of words. Several ideas came up from leadership to empowerment to soul searching to marriage values. But I couldn't see the red line to tie them all together. And one morning, I read (again) one of my reference book 'Women who Run with the Wolves' on topic of Self-preservation: Identifying Leg Traps, Cages and Poisoned Bait. And I thought this was the red line to link all the mumble jumble ideas that wanted to be written down.

Yet, I'm still doing it,
for the sake of normalcy

I couldn't help to look back into my friends' lives who had taken their path and shaped them to be who they are today compared to mine. Some of them have married and have children. Some are happy and some aren't. Some stay married and some have divorced. Some have boyfriend or girlfriend and some are still waiting for one. And they are as they are today. Through whatever paths they've been, I wonder if they are getting closer and closer to their own selves or not. Do they know the nature of their true self to the point of knowing their Lord? Not just in thought as knowledge but truly experience it. It isn't that I know better than them. It's just this have me thinking about life and its purpose and try to comprehend it for my own understanding. 

Some had commented that Taoism hardly talked about marriage though they have the book called The Art of Chambers. Yet, the Quran stated the marriage covenant is comparable to the prophethood covenant and talked a lot about marriage regulation. And I read this topic of Self-preservation and I looked into my life as well as the life of others. I looked into the marital life of the great prophet Muhammad SAW and Aisyah bint Abu Bakr RA.This contrast have me looking deeper into my soul to understand what IT really wants of me. Because no matter how many books I have read, how many biography of others I have read, one that is truly needed to be read is our own life story, for the answer of why we are here is hidden there.

Self Preservation

Once we know and understand our true nature, the sense of freedom become reality. And this freedom naturally drives the needs of self preservation to be more apparent. It is as Oliver Wendell Holmes said "Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions." As much as we want to ignore the needs of self preservation for the sake of others' acceptance, something inside will not allow us. It is inherent in our nature. And the needs of self preservation is described in the book written by Clarissa Pinkola Estees using an analogy story The Red Shoes or The Devil's Dancing Shoes. I won't write the story here, but you can read it in the link here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Red_Shoes_(fairy_tale)

And it was stated in the book there are 8 traps to the wild woman, they are:

Know the traps,
to preserve your true self

1. The gilded carriage of a rich old lady, the devalued life
2. The dry old woman, the senescent force
3. Burning the treasure: Hambre del alma, soul famine
4. Injury to basic instinct, the consequence of capture
5. Trying to sneak a secret life, split in two
6. Cringing before the collective, shadow rebellion
7. Faking it, trying to be good, normalizing the abnormal
8. Dancing out of control, obsession and addiction

I'm grateful that as up to day, I have been guided to the right path by the right hand so I can walk my life by focusing to life. Because looking into the life of other, the life of my friend, who is unhappily married to a wrong man have taught me about the traps I should be careful of.

The first trap was there when she told me he was originally from middle east by then lived in Europe and she met him during the pilgrimage. Lesson to learn: just because someone lives in liberal country or the meeting was in Arafah or has done pilgrimage doesn't mean that he is a good man. Because it has been proved that many people going to pilgrimage with insincere intention. The value of life isn't in the places or rituals. It is in the heart and reflected in the way human being live their life.

The second trap was there when she told me that he's older than her and just like his father, having a very stubborn streak to the point that she was to follow religion's prescription without question. Did I remind her of this? Well, the problem was even if I told her this, it's too late. She had married the man when she told me that. It wouldn't be right of me to deny her husband when fact is otherwise. Lesson to learn: old doesn't mean wise and loving. Some older men use their age and gender to authorize their power over woman when in reality they don't live up the value of life that is continuous growth.

The third trap was there when she told me after a year marriage that she wasn't allowed to make contact her family or friends. She was cut off from her social life when he was around. For women, social life is as important as food. Half of their problem can be solved by meeting other women, talking their problem off with others or just be with someone else as diversion, but he banned her. At that time, I should have told her to get divorce. But she was pregnant and I don't know if pregnant woman is allowed to file a divorce. The dream of her deceased mother was something that made her hesitate to do just that. Lesson to learn: as much as psychic is important, don't leave the heart and logic to measure something before making decision. I'm glad one of my spiritual teacher taught me how to wipe off the unwanted dream or nightmare.

The fourth trap was there when she didn't do anything while she is in Indonesia and her husband left her for UK. She had her 'temporary' freedom yet she didn't act anything to free herself. And what is her reason? She felt sorry for her baby son if he grows without a father. I may be heartless person to this situation (or could it be a reflection of his heartless way of treating his wife?!), but my logic is straight. What can a man teach to his baby son, when he is only there less than six months in a year? What can a man teach to his baby son, if his mother gets depressed every time his father's around? What can a man teach to his baby son, if he doesn't show compassion to her during his mothering? What can a man teach to his son, if he doesn't give helping hands to his wife to do the household and he doesn't even provide her a maid to help? It isn't that I don't try to understand his nature as a man but it seemed to me he is lack of love and compassion, while the Qur'an that he so sacredly hold has stated that men should not make difficulties for women [QS 4:19] He may read it but he applies it to his fancy. A lesson to learn: do not hesitate to take action when the obvious is stated very clearly.

The portrait of physical famine.
Can we also see the reflection of soul famine
inside human being?

The fifth trap was there when she did as she did behind her husband back. And I hate to say this because I'm not a pretentious kind of person. It is hard to fight with my heart. When I dislike something, it shows in my face just like when I like something. Yet, she let herself to make a facade for the sake of illogical reason. Unless she's a espionage, she may needs to live a secret life. But she shouldn't. And double life doesn't mean that she goes out of the house to get drunk or just have fun and forget her baby or her depressing life. No, it doesn't have to be like that. Secret life can also be in the form of outside you pretend everything is alright when inside you're dying and wanted to die. And she did. She told me she wanted to suicide and had tried once or twice as her sister told me. I pray for her safety and solace. Lesson to learn: do not fight with your heart. Because whatever choice we make, sooner or later it is us that will lose.

The six to eight traps, I may not see the reality of them because we live in different city and communicate once in a while through messenger when she had a chance to sneak the short conversation. And I can understand if in such situation, she's kind of loosing connection with God. Because she has no understanding of the subtlety of Him when her mind was so focused on her problem and nightmare. It's like in the dark. Nothing can be seen by this eyes because the room is pitch dark and every time to try to grab something it felt like moving further away from you. The only solution to her problem is just like the solution given in the Red Shoes story; by cutting the feet. And even cutting the feet isn't enough, she needs to find the way back to her soul to be once again happy. For temporary solution, I told her to keep her job for the sake of herself and the babies. For more permanent solution, it takes more of her to trust and have faith once again. This morning I read a poem of Rumi that beautifully said "If you lost your soul in the path of love, come to Me quickly and I will heal you." [Divan of Rumi] May Allah guide her to take the right path.

And for me knowing the extend of this marital problems before me, I can't help but thinking that I too should be careful in preserving the Self. Because I may understand him, but will he try to understand me?! I don't know, but the guidance is already given in Tao Te Ching:

52. Clarity
The origin of the world is its mother; 
Understand the mother, and you understand the child; 
Embrace the child, and you embrace the mother, 
Who will not perish when you die. 

Reserve your judgments and words
And you maintain your influence; 
Speak your mind and take positions 
And nothing will save you. 

As observing detail is clarity, 
So maintaining flexibility is strength; 
Use the light but shed no light, 
So that you do yourself no harm, 
But embrace clarity. 

Natural Bridegroom

Having understanding of self preservation, I then need to learn about soulful relationship. You can say it is an anticipation of what will come though the timing and the person is unknown yet. If it happens, it is good and if it doesn't, it is still a good thing to have a basic understanding.

Lao Tzu says "The Way is great, heaven is great, earth is great and humankind is also great.". He also says "Humankind is modeled on earth, earth is modeled on heaven, heaven is modeled on the Way, the Way is modeled on Nature." Now where can I learn about the soulful relationship in nature? It seems animals kingdom doesn't give a very good example for one that mostly shows responsible is the female. The male is only take major part when they're in their heat. I need to look into something else. Of course we have a role model of soulful relationship between prophet Muhammad SAW with Aisyah bint Abu Bakr RA, but I will write in another section. Insha Allah. Here, the pairs that I will use is from the nature. These two pairs have given me clues of soulful relationship. They are the pair of the sun and the moon and the pair of the sky and the earth.

Functionality in Pairs

The Sun and The Moon

Now, in the arabic language used to convey the Quranic verses, the sun is the feminine while the moon is the masculine. Now what happen to the living being when the pair is doing their responsible accordingly? We have normal life but when the two is collided each other, we have eclipse. And one with the common eyes have no understanding the effect of this collision. But the one with knowledge knows something very subtle happen otherwise there won't be any necessary eclipse prayers for both solar eclipse and lunar eclipse. And what does the sun (feminine, female) does? She gives her light to the moon (masculine, male) so that he can shine at night. She gives her compassion to her husband. And what does the moon do to the sun? The moon orbits the sun in the movement called revolution. He gives his affection to his wife. And as far apart as they are, they're loyalty to the law of nature (sunnatullah) keep them faithful towards each other that though there may be brighter star than the sun in the nearby galaxy, or another satellite in another planet but for the living being on this planet earth, only the pair of the sun and the moon are one they know.

And the moonlight lit the dark night sky, and through its revolution we have the waning and the rounding of the moon. The term an-nuur in the arabic refers to the moonlight while the sunlight is adh-dhiyaa'. And An-Nuur is one of the beautiful attributes of Allah. And we know that the moonlight is reflection of the sunlight that reaches the surface of the moon. The moonlight is thus the meeting of her compassion with his affection. The moonlight is bright but not hurting and his presence reigns supreme at night. It lights and guides the night travelers in their journey somewhere. It is his ability to use light and being dark, to use female and being male. Through this we understand that in both days and nights, the compassion is one that held supreme. And so is the attributes of Allah as the Most Compassionate (ar-Rahman)

the cycle of soulful relantionship

Season of Love

And just like the moon having its cycle, so is the relationship between man and woman. In his famous book of 'Men from Mars and Women from Venus' John Gray mentioned about this cycle for both men and women. There will be time when each need to be apart from the other because it is the nature of life cycle. The need for men to withdraw to their caves and the need for women to hit the bottom well. Without understanding about this nature, the soul can drifted away and lost its way back where they feel at home. Here's what he wrote in the book:

A relationship is like a garden. If it is to thrive it must be watered regularly. Special care must be given, taking into account the seasons as well as any unpredictable weather. New seeds must be sown and weeds must be pulled. Similarly, to keep the magic of love alive we must understand its seasons and nurture love's special needs.

The Springtime of Love

Falling in love is like springtime. We feel as though we will be happy forever. We cannot imagine not loving our partner. It is a time of innocence. Love seems eternal. It is a magical time when everything seems perfect and works effortlessly. Our partner seems to be the perfect fit. We effortlessly dance together in harmony and rejoice in our good fortune.

The Summer of Love

Throughout the summer of our love we realize our partner is not as perfect as we thought, and we have to work on our relationship. Not only is our partner from another planet, but he or she is also a human who makes mistakes and is flawed in certain ways. Frustration and disappointment arise; weeds need to be uprooted and plants need extra watering under the hot sun. It is no longer easy to give love and get the love we need. We discover that we are not always happy, and we do not always feel loving. It is not our picture of love. Many couples at this point become disillusioned. They do not want to work on a relationship. They unrealistically expect it to be spring all the time. They blame their partners and give up. They do not realize that love is not always easy; sometimes it requires hard work under a hot sun. In the summer season of love, we need to nurture our partner's needs as well as ask for and get the love we need. It doesn't happen automatically.

The Autumn of Love

As a result of tending the garden during the summer, we get to harvest the results of our hard work. Fall has come. It is a golden time‐rich and fulfilling. We experience a more mature love that accepts and understands our partner's imperfections as well as our own. It is a time of thanksgiving and sharing. Having worked hard during summer we can relax and enjoy the love we have created.

The Winter of Love

Then the weather changes again, and winter comes. During the cold, barren months of winter, all of nature pulls back within itself. It is a time of rest, reflection, and renewal. This is a time in relationships when we experience our own unresolved pain or our shadow self. It is when our lid comes off and our painful feelings emerge. It is a time of solitary growth when we need to look more to ourselves than to our partners for love and fulfillment. It is a time of healing. This is the time when men hibernate in their caves and women sink to the bottom of their wells. After loving and healing ourselves through the dark winter of love, then spring inevitably returns. Once again we are blessed with the feelings of hope, love, and an abundance of possibilities. Based on the inner healing and soul searching of our winter journey, we are then able to open our hearts and feel the springtime of love.

The Sky and The Earth

And in Taoism, the sky is the original father and the earth is the original mother. When talking about functionality in soulful relationship, we can learn from them. For both are abundance in their giving towards each other. The sky father gives its water and light in the form of rain and sunlight to the barren earth mother so that she can generate life for the hidden seeds within her womb in various form of plants and tress and vegetation. In their growth, each is expressing the love of their earth mother by looking up, trying to reach up, to the sky father in such longing and adoration. And silent is the earth in expressing her love. And silent is the sky in expressing his love. And far it seems the two are separated, but in truth it is just as close as a layer of breath. For anything that isn't touching the earth is flying in the sky.

And we see part of the earth mother in which the sky is not so giving, the land turned to barren, drought and desolated. And we also see the part of the earth in which the sky is so giving, the land turned to green, lush and alive. Flood it may be, but the earth welcome his gift and let it flows to the sea and where it is most welcome by its inhabitants. The least the sky may give is in the form of morning dew in the desert, the earth welcome his gift, and we see beautiful wild flowers in the desert. Each soul grows and fulfilling their reason of being. It is the end of the day when the earth and the sky become one. Yet it is also the new beginning of another life when the two are separated again.

Language of Love

A friend of mine sent me a beautiful story about the language of love. Here it is:

A saint who was visiting river Ganges to take bath found a group of family members on the banks, shouting in anger at each other.... He turned to his disciples smiled'n asked. 'Why do people shout in anger shout at each other?'

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said,'Because we lose our calm, we shout.'

'But, why should you shout when the other person is just next to you? You can as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner.'asked the saint. Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the other disciples.

Finally the saint explained,'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other to cover that great distance. What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either nonexistent or very small...'

The saint continued,'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper'n they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other'n that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'

He looked at his disciples and said. 'So when you argue do not let your hearts get distant, Do not say words that distance each other more, Or else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.

Leading by Following

During new year holiday, I went home and had a chance to look through my book collection. And I came across the old scroll of motivational pictures that I haven't put into frame. One of them said "The speed of a leader determine the pace of the team" with a picture of a mount climbing team almost reaching the mountain top.

And something inside reminded me of the javanese proverb that had been taught by Indonesian's father of education named Ki Hajar Dewantara. It said "Ing ngarso sung tulodho. Ing madyo mangun karso. Tut wuri handayani." It means in front to be the role model, in the middle to build the spirit, at the back  to support. Though the saying is describe the role of teachers in general, I think it is also relevant and applicable to leaders.

The great prophet Muhammad SAW ever mentioned that every one is a leader and every leader is responsible of what he/she preceded. A man is the leader of his family and responsible of them, a woman is the leader in her husband's home and responsible of it, a slave is the leader of their owner's wealth and responsible of it, a son is the leader related with his father's wealth and responsible of it. Every one is a leader and every one will have to answer on how they carry on their responsible. (Jamiush Shaghir no 4569).

How true is it ?

Because of such importance, it is then compulsory for every one to learn to be a good leader. Not only in term of being in the lead but also being the follower. And one can't be said to be a good leader without the ability of being a good follower. Here is where the javanese proverb means something. Being a good follower doesn't mean that we allow ourselves to be led around as the leader's wish, like a restrained bull. If we observe how leader act after they no longer have the leading role, you will understand what is meant here. So often they can't show their ability to be the follower by acting like they're still being the leader, creating commotion, throwing critiques and becoming opposition to the existing leader and worst come to worst to their own selves and people around them that they show something called post power syndrome.

They forget the essential nature of being the leader. And what is it? It is as mentioned in Tao Te Ching

66. Lead by Following
The river carves out the valley by flowing beneath it. 
Thereby the river is the master of the valley.

In order to master people
One must speak as their servant;
In order to lead people
One must follow them.

So when the sage rises above the people,
They do not feel oppressed;
And when the sage stands before the people,
They do not feel hindered.

So the popularity of the sage does not fail,
He does not contend, and no one contends against him.

So it isn't about who stand in front of the group. It is about uniting the difference ideas, understanding their needs and goals, utilizing their various resources to meet the goals and maintaining the harmony by respecting and bridging their difference. It should be in this sense that the soulful relationship is built that the two can be leaders according to situation that required. Just like the sun is being the leader in daylight while the moon is being the leader in the night, so do the two souls carry on their roles in their journey together. Here is one of the secrets that lies in the Qur'anic verse "Do you not see that Allah causes the night to enter the day and causes the day to enter the night and has subjected the sun and the moon, each running [its course] for a specified term, and that Allah , with whatever you do, is Acquainted?" [QS 31:29]. In reality, this leading by following is often seen but only a few understand its essence. I think Samsung applies it well in their war against Apple :D

The Role Model

I'd rather take the role model of soulful relationship from one I trust wholeheartedly. it is the relationship between prophet Muhammad SAW with his wife Aisyah bint Abu Bakr RA. Now, you may question me, why I take them as the role model when the Orientalist and those who dislike him considered the marriage to be disgraceful. Why not take the relationship between the prophet Muhammad SAW with his first wife, Khadijah bint Khuwailid RA. Well, I certainly have my reason, several reasons.

And the reasons are: because the availability of the source of information of Aishah RA is more than of Khadijah RA. Because Aishah was younger than Khadijah when she married to the prophet SAW. The young age is important because it is related with the purity of the soul, the true self that has not been tainted or schooled by society, so it is unknown to the other dogma apart from what she learned from the prophet alone. Because she was bright, intelligent, sharp, brave, sincere and genuine yet virtuous in her way of expressing herself. She was the model of wild woman spirit to any Muslima. And being the wife of great prophet Muhammad SAW, from the way he SAW treated her in their soulful relationship, we can learn about the way we should treat our partner in our soulful relationship. Understand this, and we will know the beauty that lies within the Islamic rule and regulation in creating heaven on earth to the believers. I may not elaborate in detail their relationship. I may only point out some of their small gestures that signified the essence of their soulful relationship.

Playful

We read in hadith how Aishah RA related that sometimes she would race with the prophet SAW that sometimes she won and sometimes he won. We read in the hadith how he put her on his shoulder so she could watch the singers or the dancer played in their village. And he asked her if she had enough or not yet and would put her down when she said she had. We read in the hadith how he let her played dolls with her friends while he was home. We read in the hadith how they she was permitted to call a group of singer to sing for them.
Those gestures signify that we she wasn't restrained in doing something that she wanted to do. Originally music and dancing are an aesthetic expression. It is a soulful expression. And the fact that he didn't deny those wants and needs of her tells me that he let her pure self grew naturally. And he let the playful mode in her to stay natural. She may not be an artist but those gestures certainly showed their appreciations of an artistic expression

As beautifully the wildflower grow in their habitat,
so does the wild woman grows in her right environement

Genuine

We read in the hadith about people threw a slanderous news when she was back from journey with another man because she had to look for her lost necklace. And she was questioned by her husband about it. He was a prophet to them, but he was also his husband and he was human. Feeling hurtful by his question, as if he doubted her purity, she forgot about his status, she opposed and stood her ground for what she knew as her true state. And she swore that Allah would testify her purity against the slanderer. And He did. Through revelation (QS 24: 11 - 23), she was stated innocent and when she was told by her father, Abu Bakr RA to thank her husband for the news, she retorted that to Allah was all praise due. And her husband, the prophet Muhammad SAW let her be for he felt relieved that she was true and said the truth and backed up by his Lord Allah SWT

Looking deeper into the story, I find myself in awe. Because I know, I wouldn't dare enough to be so out spoken to one I most respected. Yet, she was as she was; wild, brave, intelligent, sincere and genuine. She was the wild flower in the desert, beautiful, colorful and refreshing though thorny she may be.

Reasonable

Of any other aspects being wild woman, I think reasonable is one of the characters. Just because the self entitled of wild nature, doesn't mean that it can't reason. The reason may not be logical (to the left brain) but it can be also be intuitive (to the right brain) for the self nature will use it to support its growth. So yes, we then read about the rule given to the Mothers of the Believers (ummul mukminin) that differentiate them from the common Muslima as stated in the Qur'an 33: 28, 30 - 32, 53, 55, 59, 66:1, . Now having the taste of wild woman, do you think it is easy to submit to some rules and regulation without having a inner fight between the heart and the mind?! I doubted that. She certainly had been through the same, yet her reasoning won the fight. And  then submission was done not out of blind faith but of knowing and understanding the divine reason of such rule and regulation. Because having sincere heart, there is a quality in that person that is a combination of intelligent, wisdom and authenticity that make a person unique.

This worldly life is only amusement and diversion.
And if you believe and fear Allah, He will give you your rewards
and not ask you for your properties.
~ QS 47 : 36 ~

And to a man who appreciates the beauty and the wildness of nature, they know that having able to conquer the nature they certainly know that they aren't about to damage it. A true horseman or the bird tamer, knows it well. To win the affection of the wild horse or the wild bird, he will have to be so gentle and patience so they won't fly away or run away. Once they're familiar with him, he will be their friends and become his loyal friend. So was the prophet Muhammad SAW in his way of treating his wives, particularly Aishah RA. He treated her with compassion, patience, understanding and loving. That in his way, he won her loyalty for good. Loyalty is what keeping the souls stay together forever. For soul is timeless.