Spiritual Pregnancy

This is not about the physical pregnancy. This is about spiritual pregnancy :) in which you bear something but you can't really know for sure how the outcome. The modern technology may use USG to identify some physical aspect to decide the gender. This pregnancy can only rely on divine knowledge and wisdom.

Spritual pregnancy is only my term to define the situation. in sufism world,  it falls in the category of 'haal' that is situational state not 'maqom' which is a state of stability.

So here is the state of the 'spiritual pregnancy'. :)

I don't know what's wrong with me that when talking about dream and wish, I'd rather make the wish of other people come true. I'll do anything to help them to execute their wish as long as it is within my capability and it is for the betterment of people in general.

But when related to my personal dream, I hesitate and find myself not knowing what I have to do to it. It's like I'm content with myself, that all the wishes I ever wished for have come true, that I accept all things I don't have as is not meant for me now.

And all the while, I heard and read that people should have big dream and thrive to make it come true. But every time I look into myself and figure out how to do it, I become confused. It is a lot easier for me to execute the dream of others and turn it into reality than to execute my own dream. There's a voice inside that questioned me "are you not content with MY decree that you have to follow other people's opinion instead of listening to MY voice?".

And that voice stopped me to do something that I may find selfish. Is this the decree of a servant? To be of a servant? To serve others for the Inner voice had told me so and the contentment is in helping others instead of helping myself, in making others find happiness? Is this the decree of a servant? To think and care of others than their personal needs? To prioritize others than their own wish? To be good to others all the time? And take their own self at fault all the time? And let themselves to be a place to blame all the time?

Yesterday, I read a note in my friend's wall about being nasty. And I thought, it's alright. Because I find that to be good all the time isn't fun nor it is challenging. Being naughty sometimes is good. Being stubborn sometimes is good. Being incorrigible sometimes is good. Being bad sometimes is good. Being at fault sometimes is good. Being blunt sometimes is good. Being crude sometimes is good.

We have a motivational speaker on TV that always advise something good, never mentioned a bad thing, at least not to my ear to hear or eyes to see. And I know the comparison to that. You know when we eat sugar all the time, sooner or later our palate will become saturated and dull to the point that we become bored and fed up and sick with sugar. We want something else as a change. Something salty or bitter or spicy to alter the taste.

The same to our mind. When the motivation we have is from outside, it is like eating sugar. It taste good but inside we should know the power limit of our absorption. Because when we have reached the level of saturated, all that is sweet will taste bitter. We become sick of it that we want to throw up. I don't  know if all those motivational speaker understand this.

They may want to help others, to boost the spirit of others, to please others by giving them some 'good' advise. But the good advice that sound sweet will taste bitter and sour to the person who reach the limit of saturated. This is what happened to me, I guess. Because I know the good words are good. But it doesn't make my feeling to be good. Something want to reach out to become reality but I don't know how. And I can't even define what that 'something' is. It is pregnant with some undefined thing. Is it good? I don't know. Is it bad? I don't know. Its undefinable character lies in the word possibility.

Glory be to Allah for Allah is the greatest.

He has created the world in such a vast colorful spectrum of life to let human being enjoy their life to the limit of their satisfaction. And the enticement is unlimited. It is said myriad of things are created trying to fulfill their dreams and passions. Without proper understanding of ourselves, I'm afraid we will be the slave of other things but OUR TRUE SELF.

As much as those motivational speaker make their sugary advice, this inner voice should be the one I hear more. For in following it, I find my contentment.

I remember one morning, a friend of mine asked me when I would be leaving. And my other friends who knew my habit responded that she shouldn't ask that question to me for they know that when it comes to personal plan I'm unruly. And they started arguing each other about her question to me. I was laughing at them. Understanding her reason for asking me that question, I then told her that I would be leaving late in the afternoon. They know that when it comes to serving others I'm very flexible with my time to the point that I sometimes can't really exact my timing of coming and going. I will just say till I'm done with them and something inside tell me to go.

Is it good? I don't know. Is it bad I don't know. To others they may find this to be irritating because they have their own agenda. At that moment, I usually tell them to go ahead with their plan and to leave me behind. I'm alright with that.