As the book said, the way we as a male and female approached the problem was one of the reasons. When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving his problem, but when a woman is stressed she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day. The other reason is a man tries to change a woman's feeling when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix-It and offering solution to her problems that invalidate her feelings, while a woman tries to change a man's behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home improvements committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.
I won't argue about that conclusion on man and woman because it is derived from men and women in general and I agree to its content. But I would add a note as well, that I am not a common woman. As I learned thariqah which I can say is a 'male' world, I am involved in working more with adult men than women and that my inner teachers are amongst the sages that can read what is hidden in my heart, so I used more of my 'masculine' side rather than 'feminine' side and I learn to care my inner world from any bad intention. This has helped me to transform my loving feeling to be rational and logical and that's how I set my boundary with them as a female in the males world. However, as I made my relationship with him, it was my 'feminine' side that got me mixed up in the way.
From humanly perspective after reading that book, I could see my mistake as a venusian woman was in giving him unsolicited advice which he misunderstood as patronizing, criticism or rejection. Understanding his martian way of thinking and feeling, I don't blame him for taking it that way. However from divine perspective, I was merely following what was shown to me through dream after he asked for help in his facebook status. Unlike any of his friends, I saw the deeper part of him which later I knew was affected by his past experience and I tried to help him in the way I was guided by Allah. If it weren't from the divine message, I wouldn't dare to pass any of that information. I mean, I didn't ask for those dreams to be revealed to me that got me to think of the best way to tell and help him in that situation.
Understanding his needs to withdraw to his cave of mind, I'm glad I could hold my tongue (or my fingers to be precise). Fortunately as well, I had other things to occupy me and to validate that I was loved and accepted by my circle friends, so his resentment didn't hurt my humanly feelings. From the beginning I had accepted him as the gift from Allah, so it's very difficult to change the loving feelings into anything else.
I don't know if he ever read this book or not, but I think he needs to read it to understand our difference and in some point also try to see me as a mature woman even with a child-like approach in living this life. After all, my child-like approach is based on knowledge and wisdom not out of insanity. It is such a relief to read the statement there that 'as men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes much easier. They could actually help them come out of their caves in the same way as watching the news on TV or reading newspaper.'
The more I read the book, my venusian feelings tell me that I need to apologize (again) for unintentionally making him mis-understood me. But my 'masculine' side don't feel like doing it. Because from divine perspective I had done the right way and it was affirmed by the next divine message I got. To apologize means to invalidate the content of my message which is against the Truth, though from his martian perspective I can understand that he thought I had sent unloved, uncaring and cruel messages to him. Another reason I don't feel like doing it is because I don't know if he is aware or not that his resentment could really hurt my humanly as well as my venusian feeling and he didn't even apologize for that. With all his worldly achievement and credentials he has, his resentment could have ruined my self-esteem. It is by the grace and the blessing of Allah, I could endure his cruel comments on me. The whole situation was as described in the book "the argument started because they refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner point of view because of the way they are being approached".
Anyway, hopefully we can be friend again and able to respect our difference. He may not need me to be his friend, but I have a need to win his heart to not hating me anymore. It's like a thousand friends aren't enough, one enemy is too much. And most importantly, I need him for the peace and all the feelings there is, as well as the bright light that was up in the sky along our journey together just like the vision dream I had after our last argument. I am not sure the kind of light it is, but it is likely the Light of the Divine.
| Playing with dragon, one needs to be ready to get burned |
There was a section which I found very interesting and can summarize my situation in having him shutting me out. In a poetic way it would be like 'Miss Dragon* is getting burned by the Dragon'. Having that conclusion, I have three options to choose:
1. I could cry my heart out like a weak woman after watching too much dramatic opera soap on TV
2. I could laugh out loud like a child having a very funny situation while enjoying his life.
3. I could send this information to him to let him see our difference like a wise loving intelligent woman with a brave heart would do in solving her suspended situation.
... Actually I can do all the three options. One is in a fake movie kind of action, Two is in thinking of doing the number one and three after doing the number two. :)
The bottom line of this is I want us to be like an adult- child would do to their best friend, that they could disagree and cry their heart out but after that they would miss each other again, seek wisdom from their disagreement, ask forgiveness and be forgiven and then get along with the business of enjoying life.
And the bottom bottom of the line of this is I missed him.
* Miss Dragon is a nickname given to me by my friend after understanding the book called Opening the Dragon Gate
