A Love So Free

Three momths ago, I had information that one of my acquaintances was about to get married next week. I thought they had, until my friends told me about the upcoming wedding ceremony. I had met the couple before and it seemed to me everything was alright with them even I knew they also had their problems. And one evening my friend told me that he had a message from his soon-to-be-married-friend, a short message "Is there any rope?". As he read the message to me, I didn't get the meaning of it. So I asked him what he meant by that. He said that he felt like hanging himself. I was quite surprised but then since he wasn't so worry about him, I thought that he must be joking with his short message.

At night I met him with my friend's brother for a brief moment. Though I didn't talk much with him. He didn't seem to be a person who needed a rope to hang himself over a wedding arrangement. However seeing him had me thinking about his short message and his girl friend. How she would feel if she knew about his joke. She may laugh at it if she has a good sense of humor. Else she may feel hurt if she is a serious, melancholy and introvert person. Else she doesn't pay attention to it either because she wasn't aware of it else she just too preoccupied with the preparation. And I think the third option is the situation Here's where ignorance is a blessing.

Independence vs Love

Last month when I was in the bus to Bali, I sat beside a man who happened to be a customer of my employer's shop there. We had a nice talk along the journey till he asked my marital status. Then of course we talked about relationship for he saw me to be a self sufficient person. He misunderstood me on that and I guessed so were many people.

A person with self sufficient attitude is often considered to be an independence person. To a single woman, I think that attitude isn't an advantage, especially if she was looking for a relationship. People or even herself can misunderstand her independence as someone who don't need man in their life. When I said to him that I didn't want my happiness to be determined by someone else, he said that I shouldn't think that way for as a man he thought such independence wouldn't give me advantage in relationship with a man. For man likes to think that they're needed by his partner.

And that's how confusing my situation. Because with Self Knowledge and Thariqah teaching I practice, I am in positive attitude towards life and other people. That if I find my non-existence is better than my existence, I'd rather be non-existence or somewhere else where I'm most needed. It doesn't mean that I don't have problems. It doesn't mean that I'm vegetable and accept all the bad things happened to me or how badly people treat me. I can complain of my situation if I want to, including letting my happiness be determined by someone or something else. But I don't take that. I will be fooling myself if I do that. And I will definitely work againts the knowledge of life that I have learned.

And it got me to think of independence. What is independence? Free dictionary define it as:
1. A state or quality of being independent
2. Freedom from control, influence, aid, support, or the like of others.

While independent is defined:
-adj.
1. not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc.; thinking or acting for oneself: an independent thinker.
2. not subject to another's authority or jurisdiction; autonomous; free: an independent businessman.
3. not influenced by the thought or action of others: independent research.
4. not dependent; not depending or contingent upon something else for existence, operation, etc.
5. not relying on another or others for aid or support.
6. rejecting others' aid or support; refusing to be under obligation to others.
7. possessing a competency: to be financially independent.
8. sufficient to support a person without his having to work: an independent income.
9. executed or originating outside a given unit, agency, business, etc.; external: an independent inquiry.
10. working for oneself or for a small, privately owned business.
11. expressive of a spirit of independence; self-confident; unconstrained: a free and independent citizen.
12. free from party commitments in voting: the independent voter.
13. (of a quantity or function) not depending upon another for its value.
14. capable of standing syntactically as a complete sentence: an independent clause.
15. Logic.
a. (of a set of propositions) having no one proposition deducible from the others.
b. (of a proposition) belonging to such a set.
16. Statistics. statistically independent.
17. of or pertaining to the Independents.

-n.
18. an independent person or thing.
19. a small, privately owned business: The conglomerates are buying up the independents.
20. a person who votes for candidates, measures, etc., in accordance with his or her own judgment and without regard to the endorsement of, or the positions taken by, any party.
21. an adherent of Independency.
22. a Congregationalist.

-Idioms
23. irrespective of; regardless of: Independent of monetary considerations, it was a promising position.

How different is love by definition

Now, with such situation how love can grow in a relationship? And I think this is also the logic that my friend was telling me. Because it will be an absurd idea for love to grow without dependency of one to the other. For what is love? It is defined as

-n.
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

-v.t.
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.

-v.i.
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.

-Verb phrases
22. to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.

So we see that even from terminology point of view there is no way an independence person can have a loving relationship for one will constrain the other to grow. O Oww... I am doomed! Aren't I?

Different Love

We all know a phrase "Love is blind". People use it when they see a different pattern of relationship where the beauty take the ugly, the tall take the short, the fat take the skinny, the good take the bad and so on. The opposite attraction happened because in their loving relationship something else is fulfilled when they share happiness in their being together. Sometimes I wonder, with such understanding, is it true that love is blind? It isn't to me.

There is a different state in which people confused themselves with love. They use different term called infatuation and obsession. What are they?

in·fat·u·a·tion (-n.)
1. the state of being infatuated.
2. the act of infatuating.
3. foolish or all-absorbing passion or an instance of this: a mere infatuation that will not last.
4. the object of a person's infatuation: When I was a kid, my infatuation was stamp collecting.

ob·ses·sion (-n.)
1. the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
2. the idea, image, desire, feeling, etc., itself.
3. the state of being obsessed. 4. the act of obsessing.

Now, why don't we consider them as a loving gesture?

Because we know the sign of someone is loving someone or something is determined by how they feel and think of the object they love. Don't we all think that if we love someone or something we have to think of her/him at any (most is the least) situation we are in? That we have to have an attachment feeling to the one we love. That we have to have a strong bond with the loved one. And all those qualities are shown in the person who is infatuated or obsessed over something/someone. Yet, they are considered different from love.

And we may reason it because there is no affection in the former two. Now, what is affection then? It is
1. fond attachment, devotion, or love: the affection of a parent for an only child.
2. a. emotion; feeling; sentiment: over and above our reason and affections.
b. the emotional realm of love: a place in his affections.
3. a disease, or the condition of being diseased; abnormal state of body or mind: a gouty affection.
4. the act of affecting; act of influencing or acting upon.
5. the state of being affected.
6. a contingent, alterable, and accidental state or quality of being.
7. the affective aspect of a mental process.
8. bent or disposition of mind.
9. bias; prejudice.

Can you see the difference now by definition? Because I don't.

I guess I need to find a psychological or behavioral dictionary to differ one from the other. Because we can only differ one attitude from the other by looking into their behavior and the feeling of the loved one towards the one who love. In the loving situation there is a feeling of freedom in giving love from the loved one toward the lover vice versa. Yet in the infatuation or obsessed situation, the loved one is felt obliged and restraint by the one who love. And then the thought and feeling they give become a burden for the one who receive them. And that's when relationship become a disaster.

Measuring Love

How can people measure love? Is it by the gifts the lover gives to the loved one? Is it by the attention the lover gives to the loved one? Is it by the dependency that the lover shows to the loved one? Is it by the freedom that the lover feel towards the loved one? Or is it by something else? You tell me.

As I searched through the internet, I found below information:
An intimate love measured of three values:
- Attachment: The need to be cared for and be with the other person. Physical contact and approval are also important components of attachment.
- Caring: Valuing the other persons happiness and needs as much as your own.
- Intimacy: Sharing private thoughts, feelings, and desires with the other person.
(http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/a/likingloving.htm)

Some said love is measured by the way we respond to their partner; communication, understanding and doing activities together. Most of the information I have there said that to measure love it started with the personal meeting of the two in which love grows between them. When they haven't met logically how the feeling grow between them? Though there cases where some people felt thatt they love the person, who happen to be a fake identity because they were hiding behind words and images they made of. This happened especially in cyber space where without a real meeting, we can't truly determined whether it is his true identity and character or not that we fall in love with. And as the truth revealed his/her true identity,  the feeling of betrayal arise amd questioning if the love they feel is also true or not.

Another Kind of Love

A friend of mine, once told me about his lovely wife. He was told that he was to married this certain girl by his spiritual teacher, which I knew though not very well. An immediate response of him was refusal and question. Tryng to find a way out of the command that he thought was out of mind and no foundation.  After some time of inner struggle, he surrendered and made up his mind to accept the girl. And he married her and brought her to his place in Bengkulu, Sumatera. And as he talked to me, he realized the wisdom of the command and could appreciate what seemed to be a heartless instruction. And from the way he talked to me, I knew he loved his wife deeply.

This different kind of love happened with the interference of divinity.  I knew his spiritual teacher was clairvoyance thus giving him the sughestion. It was a matter of faith to Allah and trust to the messenger. If I were to be in such situation, I have to be tactful and clear with  my decision that what ever happen in the future, I will never regret nor will I blame anyone else for what is going to happen. I am taking full responsibility of my life.

I don't know why he told me his story, but it got me to think of love and eason of union.

There is this man, I have never met him in person but I know my feeling that I love him. He may not know this. The way I feel about him is not determined by his response to me. He may have left me some years ago, resented me, misunderstood my action and then ignored me. But I can't stop loving him. Something else is working on me that some people may call it infatuation or obsession. And I questioned myself on this as well. And I come to conclusion that it isn't. I was tied up by my faith to Allah. I told myself that I should stop believing. Yet something else telling me that I should have my faith to HIM not him.

Long ago, I knew that I can't fight the feeling yet I couldn't tell him how I feel either. I am not going anywhere with this kind of love. I am afraid that with this feeling I can't accept other man wholeheartedly because the feeling that I have for him is the kind of love that attached to the Most Divine. And the way we respond to the kind of divine love is so different from the common love most people feel. It may be like the love that Qais felt to Laila, but I am not to let myself to be drown by the feeling. I don't want to lose direction and become bitter to this life. So here I am loving his soul without ever meeting him physically.

A Reason of Union

In the book of "The Tao of Love", the writer said that Tao  never connect love with marriage. And looking into this situation, I realize its truth. People can have their reasons to marry someone. Some people say because of love, some say because of business proposal, some say because of family tradition, some say because of religion and some will not honestly admit because of premarital pregnancy.

And this give me another thought of why Qais never married to Laila in the story of Laila Majnun or May Ziadah wasn't married to his lover in the story of Broken Wings or Romeo wasn't married to Juliet. And these endings is considered to be tragic? I guess if the love they felt was so divine, then the feeling must be so freeing and the reason for physical union in the form of marriage may seem unnecessary. And becoming tragic or not is just a matter of perspective.

And then I looked at the life of the great prophet Muhammad SAW. He had 10 wives and each was married with his reason within the Islamic Law not just a matter of following the lower desire. So yes, the union of two people can be for any reason. And considering the situation that the soul I love doesn't seem to need me, walking away is the best I can think of. Like I said earlier, I'd rather be non existence to someone where I am not needed than hanging around feeling unworthy and bitter about the whole situation. And that is the unselfish thing that I can give from my self to him.

So, my next question (and I am questioning my Self) to have a new beginning: being an independent and self sufficient person, what would be my reason to agree with the proposal of union?

PS: I have started this article three months ago and just putting the final touch this week. So here is what you have.