Eating Jealousy

Few days ago I had a tagged picture of a book written by my friend's daughter. And it was her first children's story book published. As I read through the synopsis of the book, something bothered me that for days I didn't put comment on her tagged picture. So I checked and checked what's going on inside the mind and feeling that got me reluctant to write the comment.

At first, come up the reason of nationalism. The children's story is about the big cities of the world like New York, Tokyo, Paris and some others. Of course it's alright. But then my evil thought said, "why not writing about Indonesia's cities with its unique culture and people? Is it because it's too Indonesia?! Or you just have interest of your own nation?!" And again my angelic thought respond, "Oh for God sake! It's just a children story. It's a child making up her dream! What's so hard in saying congratulation?!".

Then second thought come up the parental love. The evil thought said "Oh, she's bragging like any proud mothers for her daughter!" And the angelic thought said "Of course she is. Isn't every mom do the same to their children to show their support to whatever they're doing. Won't you also do the same if you have one?!"

And then I realized that I've been jealous at her and her daughter for their close relationship as family, while I don't have a living mother or daughter that can give me such experience. So it's an odd feeling in having that kind of expression right in front of you. And in that jealousy I have forgotten that I've been given a living (host) mother who though we live in different country she always loves me, proud of me and of my work as written on my facebook wall. And I've been jealous at them for having their book published while I have none because I just don't know how do it for the personal notes I made. I'm too shy to let people know my bragging. And I find it difficult to pretend to be someone else in the form of story telling because I hardly try to be someone I'm not. Yet, so often people - both males and females when they first read my writings in mailing list groups before knowing my gender, thought that I was a man. Anyway, you know another voice said "Hah! You're just making excuses for your laziness and self-pity for not trying hard enough!" :D

These two reasons are enough to wake me up that I (again) feel jealousy, which I then realized that I had to do something about it. If I don't want to be eaten away by jealousy then I have to eat it raw. Do you know the taste? It's bitter :D

Sometimes we just have to take bitter medicine
to cure our disease 

But you know, some diseases have their antidote from certain herbal that tastes so bitter such as quina for malaria. Realizing that, I then tried to swallow it slowly and enjoy the taste to put my mind into perspective and heading to the right direction; that is to avoid its return and find ways to prevent its return.

And I always have a choice to make the bitter taste go away very quickly. That is by taking along with it something sweet. And that's what I did, you know like we give baby the powdery medicine which is bitter with honey or sugar :) My mind then working its way to find something sweet that is stored within. And it came up with a simple yet profound sweetness I always taste in my remembrance. That is my knowledge of the Giver of all. And in it, I find the sweetness that surpasses the bitter taste and can even turn the bitter taste to become a medicine, an antibody that will help me to stay healthy inside.

And this, reminded me of past experience about another jealousy that I had to eat. That was when I knew that the man I liked secretly was taking my friend out and they ended up getting married. Because she is my friend and I'm not an aggressive one to fight over a man, I managed my feeling. And as I met her last time after so many years never saw each other, I could talk, laugh and joke with her easily without any hard feeling. I had put the memory behind. It was only when she asked me about another friend whom she just couldn't understand why she turned from befriended her to hated her, I remembered it. Of course I couldn't tell her that she hated her because she was trying to be a match maker for me. She couldn't accept the situation well. So, the bitter taste in the past had been an antibody to my personal inner health.

And this (again) remind me of another comment given by my friend about me "Healthy inside. Fresh outside". It's a catchy word from TV ads on drinks contained vitamin C. Of course, the inside of the two are different. Because my friend commented on mentality and way of thinking while the other was about physical health. The outside is the same, it's related with body. The only different, my freshness isn't coming from exercise or make up. I'm just not a sporty girl. My freshness come from something else. And it is one that I can't point my finger at :P

Anyway, since eating jealousy had been done. It's my next action to write the comment with light hearted to congratulate my friend - the mother and daughter for what they have successfully made. And it's done. And I am happy of myself for conquering my demon to even making this analysis and put it to words :D

I pray that my remembrance of the Giver of this fundamental gift - the gift of life - that enable me to experience, to feel, to think and to write is sufficient.

"Our Lord, forgive us and our brothers who preceded us in faith 

and put not in our hearts [any] resentment toward those who have believed. 

Our Lord, indeed You are Kind and Merciful." 

[QS 59:10]

Alhamdulillahirobbil'alamiin