How manly I am?

That's true, how manly I am? It is a question that come up in my mind. As I mentioned in previous article that people who never know my gender or meet me personally so often think that I am a man. This usually happen in cyberspace in a discussion groups called mailing lists that I joined where people communicate through written text and they read my writings for the first or several time. And the group members that often mistake me are related with religion and sufism subjects, though my name is a female name. And yesterday, the same thing happened. One of the members, a man, called me by man's title which in Indonesian would be 'pak' or 'bapak' (mister / sir).

What do you think of being a man?

And when he wrote that, my other friend who know me reminded him that I'm not 'masbro' which is an Indonesian slang of male brother but I'm actually 'mbakbro' means female brother. Of course, reading that, the man then apologized for the mistake. And that experience triggered me to write this article.

From his comment, I then wrote a short response on gender by telling them about how often that mistake happened. And lightly I said maybe I should get a mirror to see me if I'm really a man. And what I mean by that is certainly not a common mirror to see my physical body. Because if I take that, I can say 100% certain that I am a woman hehehe....

Being a man

That question then got me to search on the internet what differentiate man and woman in term of their characters, so that those people can make mistake in identifying my gender. I got the information from four different websites to classify the characteristics of men. If you want to read it in detail you can go to:
http://artofmanliness.com/2008/06/08/7-vital-characteristics-of-a-man/

http://www.chadhowsefitness.com/blog/2011/01/20-characteristics-of-a-real-man/

http://www.prolife.com/REALMAN2.html

http://ezinearticles.com/?Characteristics-a-Good-Man&id=1620557

Life is not about gender

And Here’s the wrap up of man's characters, it is what he is on the inside, his substance:

1. Mastery of one’s own physical abilities is an important part of being a man. He doesn’t need to be able to fight or to protect himself and his family physically. But it helps. He needs to be willing to do whatever it takes to keep his family safe and happy 
2. His role as the breadwinner is what drives a man to achieve 
3. The desire for independence and freedom from the command of others is typically a masculine trait 
4. The ability to suppress personal feelings enables men to maintain an objective view of the circumstance and carry on. However a man willing to show emotion and able to control it is a true man. 
5. Education and the acquisition of knowledge are viewed as important factors in male development. So he is committed to growing and improving himself as a person, he wants to learn everything he can about being a better person 
6. A man is a leader in at least one aspect of his life, whether this means his family, with his friends or just in general. Giving direction and acting as a disciplinarian are common functions of men as a result. But he can also follow. 
7. A man takes pride in how he looks and lives his life. He understands the value of work and is financially responsible 
8. He knows his values, knows his likes and dislikes and can verbalize them. Men learn what is truly important over time. 
9. He knows right from wrong and always strives to make virtuous choices. They speak the truth, for the truth distinguishes the man from the gossips and manipulators. 
10. Men make life happen, take a dominant, active role and take chances 
11. A man has fears, but he isn’t ruled by them. There are times when one needs to confront the bully or the cause of his fear, make him see it, and keep his self respect. 
12. Being chivalrous that is you do not see yourself as superior to others, you act justly without demanding justice for yourself. 
13. He has an unshakeable dedication to faith, family and future. 
14. A man is proud, often to a fault. He doesn’t “change” but rather evolves. He learns from his mistakes. Although he might take a few cracks at it. He doesn't blame others for his own problems but embraces responsibility. 
15. A man does what is necessary. Even if it’s the hardest decision, or the most unpopular one. A man can appreciate the greatness that is ‘The Gladiator’. 
16. Being responsible means he does what he says he is going to do. He keeps his promises 
17. He feels good about who he is and how he lives his life, can laugh at himself and takes care of himself. 
18. If a man finds someone special, he doesn’t treat her like she’s everyone else. 
19. Some of the other characteristics commonly attributed to men are ambition, pride, honor, competitiveness and a sense of adventure. They are displayed to varying degrees, in one way or another, in most all men. A man thrives on competition.

Cut Nya' Dien ~
Life had her shone her manly characters 

And as I read through the articles and made my notes, I had to admit that I possess some of the characteristics mentioned above. Whether that's the reason why people mistaken my gender, I don't know for sure.  But my friend responded my rhetoric question by making comparison to Christina Hakim. She's a senior film star in Indonesia taken the role as Cut Nya' Dien (an Indonesian heroine from Aceh) in the movie under the same title. Arifin C Noer as the senior director who directed the movie insisted to call her seniman (male artist) instead of seniwati (female artist). The connotation of it was because she had shown how 'manly' she was in dedicating herself to arts. And Cut Nya' Dien was also a great moslem female warrior who led the people of Aceh against Dutch imperialism after the death of her husband Tengku Umar.

Having such a comment and given comparison, I got a poignant feeling. I thought he must be exaggerating my work while at the same time felt an honor to have my work being appreciated by mistakenly identifying my gender.

Gender Dilemma

And what do I think about this gender issue? It's overdue. Because I'm not a feminist activist. I work for what I know to be most important to either man and woman, that is to support peace movement which is essentially needed by any of us.

Either cooperative or competition,
it is our choice.

So, as a woman if my-having-too-much male characteristics than female characteristics is considered bad and bad-luck, I have no ways to reduce them or even to convert them to be on the opposite characters without giving me more inner turmoil for denying what I have been given. The only way I can do is by accepting them and be grateful to my Creator's gifts.

It is not about which one is better, being male or female. After all there will be no man like Adam or Krishna or Jesus without their mothers (read: women). And there will be no progeny without man.... Oh, I know, my other mind said 'Oh we have cloning method now'. But I won't entertain that juicy thought.

Besides, in the relationship to my Creator one that is most important isn't about gender. As mentioned in the Qur'an "O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted." [QS 49:13] And that in itself is enough to resolve my gender dilemma. Alhamdulillahirobbil'alamiin.

Woman Characters

Oh by the way, I also check on what women think of being a real woman, just to give a balance ideas of my true gender. And from five different websites, they are:
http://www.prolife.com/REALMAN2.html
http://www.asuccessfulwoman.com/aswblog/five-characteristics-successful-women
http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/eagle/congress/shermanck.html
http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/843595/6-top-traits-in-the-perfect-woman
http://www.humanresourcesiq.com/business-strategies/articles/7-characteristics-of-women-leaders/

I summed up their opinions as below:

1. Delights in her femininity. The perfect woman knows how to pull off being sexy perfectly with style and confidence. She dresses with the right mix of sassiness without giving away the goods. 
2. She is trustworthy and gains the respect of others. She places a high value on relationships and judge the success of her organizations based on the quality of relationships within her; 
3. Restrains herself from gossip, but instead speaks with wisdom and discretion. She ask big-picture questions about the work they do and its value. 
4. Encourages and builds up those around her. Without a firm belief in herself, she cannot hope to achieve true success. Women who are self-assured, on the other hand, inspire confidence in others. 
5. She does not have a nagging, or manipulative manner in which she deals with others. That’s why she’s cool and smart and funny. 
6. she does not wallow in self-pity, but rather sacrifices and works hard to accomplish her dreams and goals. She is comfortable with diversity, having been outsiders herself and knowing what kind of value fresh eyes could bring. 
7. Channels her emotions calmly and constructively. She is unwilling (and unable) to compartmentalize her lives and so draw upon personal experience to bring private sphere information and insights to her jobs; 
8. She has a gentle and quiet spirit. Her tenderness, her confiding trust, or any of these finer qualities which are usually termed "womanly;" for the grace which comes from strength is far more graceful than that which comes from languor; the tenderness which comes from efficient sympathy is no less tender because of its efficiency, and the trust which is based on a full recognition of all that love and trust and self-surrender imply is certain to be more permanent than the trust that is based on ignorance 
9. She must have the willpower to pick herself up when she falls flat on her face, and continue with even more resolve. 
10. The perfect woman has a career, her own set of friends and something she's passionate about outside the relationship. So she must garner a strong base of education and experience, and blend them with interpersonal skills to get ahead. 
11. She must not only do well in her position in order to get promoted, she must be willing to market herself as an asset and convince others of her value. Throughout history, the most successful women have been willing to take control of their own lives and do whatever was necessary to reach their goals 
12. She prefers direct communication; she can have a mature conversation about the issue at hand and rationally work through the issue 
13. She is skeptical of hierarchies and surprisingly disdainful of the perks and privileges that distinguish hierarchical leaders and establish their place in the pecking order; 
14. She preferred leading from the center rather than the top and structure their organizations to reflect this; 
15. She does not relate to members of the opposite sex in a flirtatious or forward manner, but instead saves her sexual expressions for her future husband. The perfect woman knows how to unconditionally love her man. Holds her virginity before marriage as sacred and will not compromise it for anything.
16. And it is questionable whether it were possible for a woman to find lasting happiness merely as a passive recipient of loving admiration, however ardent, for so long as a woman has a rational and spiritual nature, so long she fails of highest happiness if these are lost sight of. 

Personality is the way we present ourselves to the world,
the way we express ourselves on the outside

As I read through that, I see myself to have some qualities of a woman. So in me both the quality of man and woman are there. And if you make side by side comparison the quality and characters of man and woman aren't very different. With these similarity and difference gender what we can do is understand our natures and cooperate to achieve our goal that is being the best human being.

And let me finish this article with something to remind me about people regardless of their gender:

Abdullah ibn Busr reported: Two men came to the Prophet, peace be upon him, and one of them said, “Who is the best man, O Muhammad?” He said, “One who has a long life filled with good deeds.” The other man said, “Indeed, the laws of Islam are too many for us, so give us something comprehensive we can hold onto.” He said, “Keep your tongue wet with the remembrance of Allah the Exalted.”