Trouble in Heaven

Right. I need to write this as well to get a broader aspect of perfection referring to the previous article. I mean sometimes when I put down what crossed my mind in writing, I found something new to myself that I've never known or thought before. So in writing I also got a new insight.

I also need to write this because I don't want you get a wrong impression that by writing that previous article I am any of those people. I can't move the mountain, I can't fly in the sky or read people's mind or see what's inside their heart. I'm merely someone who have found peace inside my heart that I can describe it as finding my heaven on earth.

And just because having that heaven on earth doesn't mean that I don't have problems and I am becoming like an angel or a saint with no room for mistakes and sin. It is for that reason, I need to write this. That I can and will certainly make mistakes and be sinned. And what happened this week gave me more reason to write this.


Seasons of life

The self is the universe; as the universe goes through

myriand changes, all being invariably act,

their action producing effects ~

Opening the Dragon Gate

Anything that is placed in this world goes through changes. Universe is undergoing their changes. And like any human being who lives on the face of the earth, we are also undergoing so many changes. With the turning of the earth in relation to the sun, we experience seasonal changes. The blowing of the wind changes, the current of the sea changes, the layers of the earth changes, the setting of the sun changes. Those who live in equator they're going through rainy season and dry season. Those who live in sub tropical region undergoing four different seasons. From winter to spring to summer to autumn. And the cycle goes on way back to the history of the earth and the universe itself. A question to ponder, why do you think that the noon prayer and afternoon prayer in Islam are in four rakaat or can be abridged into two rakaat?!

And as human being having their changes once they entered this world from a baby to adult to elderly till they die, inside they're also undergoing changes. This changes is called emotional changes. To mysticism, the changes doesn't happen in one layer of inner human being. Because they differentiate the inner world of human being in seven layers. They called as seven layers of inner or heavenly skies.

In Taoism, this body is considered as microcosm and the universe as macrocosm. If outside we have our seasonal changes, inside we have the seasonal changes too. The outer layer of inner changes to women is quite apparent in relation to their hormonal activity which give them menstruation accompanied with turmoil called PMS (pre menstruation syndrome). But in men the change is quite difficult to see. Difficult to see doesn't mean they don't experience it or it can't be seen. They do and it can, only I don't know if they ever take a closer good look into their inner self to see it. This changes is validated by Master Wang Liping in his biography 'Opening The Dragon Gate' as it mentioned about the psychology changes that happen inside human being in relation to the meridian line of energy in human body.

This season of life then trigger our way of interaction with people. Sometimes we can be so open up, other time we are so withdrawn. Other time we are so happy and another time we are so sad without knowing what really happen to us. It gives emotional turmoil when we fight that feeling, not knowing what happened and don't know how to respond to it to balance ourselves. Then we say things we regret later.

This seasonal changes still happen as long as we live in this world. Even to those who have possessed self knowledge both in small k and in big K. I mean I can notice how inside in the middle of that peace I see the emotional changes. This is the time when I usually warn my friends that I 'grow horns on my head' and they need to behave and be understanding. Because if something doesn't fancy me, I may react in ways that can hurt their feeling even it is an honest respond.

The face of us can reflect what is going on inside

This is one of the trouble in heaven. Because this situation is an opening to any mistake I may make. But in the other hand I know it is alright because I can ask forgiveness to anyone and to Allah and then be forgiven. As long as I have this breath I can and will certainly make mistakes or sin. Because even though I try my best to be good based on my own judgment, Allah will not let it happen. This is because there is another Name of Allah as The Most Forgiven (Al Ghofur). To have that attributes means human being needs to be in a state of mistakes and sin though it doesn't mean that once they know their mistakes they purposefully keep doing it. That would be a streak of stupidity, ignorance, rebellion and infidelity. The best we can do when we realize that we have errs our self both consciously or unconsciously is to ask forgiveness following His command 'Indeed, those who fear Allah - when an impulse touches them from Satan, they remember [Him] and at once they have insight.' [QS 7:201] For Allah is the most forgiving. To that I hang my hope and fear of Allah.


Having A Safari Park Inside

Can we see the wildlife within waiting to be conquered
and made into a safari park?

It is true. People go to the zoo, safari park, sea-world or wildlife sanctuary for amusement, right? Look at the children or even the adults, how happy and fascinated they are in looking at the acrobatic shows by the animals that have been domesticated or educated to serve the purpose of human being.
So I give you a thought to ponder, can't we also have a safari park inside to serve the purpose of the Divine Decree? Because in today's words I can say this is the essence of cultivating inner work or mujahadah in thariqah. To defeat the wild animals instinct given to us and bring them into the 'safari park' we have within, following the command of Allah 'and pasture your livestock. Indeed, in that are signs for those of intelligence.' [QS 20:54]

Long ago before I came across Self Knowledge and Thariqah, I used to hate my self because I wasn't and still am not like any norm girls or women I thought I should be. There's another part of me that I thought was wrong for behaving the way she was. But the other part of me also knew that she was and is the gift from Allah that I shouldn't reject or hate. I should embrace it and be thankful for its existence. And as I learned Self Knowledge and Thariqah I knew that other part of me was the impulse of animal's instinct in its wildness.

Even Imam Al Ghazali, the great sufi and scholar in Islam who wrote the book of Ihya' ulm Diin mentioned that there are attributes of animals inside of us. Anger is characterized as dog, greed is characterized as pig, braggarts is charaterized as peacock and so on. The purpose for its existence isn't to be killed but to be educated to serve the Divine Decree. From then on I learned to embrace the gift that was given to me and at the same time try to educate them to serve me instead of me being their slave. And now we've been friends. Outside you see how men broke the spirit of the wild animals like lions, elephant, dogs, monkeys, horses so they could serve human purpose.

There was an animated film that I like very much both of its story and its music. Its title is The Spirit - Stallion of the Cimarron. I could see the reflection of the inner work that happened to the impulse of animals instinct inside. As I watched the film and enjoyed the songs, my spirit soar in the world within in witnessing some of the impulse of my animals instict within have been defeated to serve my true being then rejoin and rejoice in worshipping the greatness of Allah, The Creator of All.

So yes, I know I can be shy and meek, I can be talkative and noisy, I can be quiet and serene, I can be directive and persistence, I can be wise and supportive, I can be innocent and original but I can also be slow and indifference and I can be mischievous and incorrigible. They are an expression of the animated animals instinct in their educational stages. I would say that as they perform their action, the safari park I have inside is having an entertaining show hehehe... And I find this to be something to celebrate and give thanks to Allah for this life. Because with that I don't have to rely my amusement and happiness, to drugs or alcohol or gadgets or toys or any worldly entertainment. I rely my happiness to Allah and be grateful for whatever He was, is and will be given to me, ones that make that safari park inside so alive and entertaining. You know it's like being Tarzan or Jane in the wild world within with their scream of freedom even in puritanical muslim costume hehehe...

Of course in my enjoyment as I am interacting with others there will certainly the possibility to make mistakes and sin too. I remember how my friend get quite annoyed of me for enjoying myself and ignoring the time schedule during our holiday in Bangkok. Of course I didn't blame her for thinking that way, in fact I could understand her nature. We have different impulse of animal's nature. She is a rabbit with her sense of comfort while I am a rat with my sense of liberation. So when I was having fun, inside she was kind of worry about things that hadn't as what she planned though in the end everything was working out just fine and wonderful. In that situation we respected and understood our difference and found win-win solution so that the tour would be as pleasant as it could be.


Mating season

And as animals are given their mating instinct, I am not exempt to that either. And this is another trouble in heaven for me. I thought I wasn't norm bcos I didn't know much about the sign. But as I paid attention to the motion inside I understand its season and I can say that I am norm, †ђąηk ўσυ God :) I think this is the reason why it is said in the Qur'an 'And We placed in the hearts of those who followed him compassion and mercy and monasticism, which they innovated; We did not prescribe it for them except [that they did so] seeking the approval of Allah. But they did not observe it with due observance.' [QS 57:27]. Because even though human being tried to bank the impulse of animal instinct for the sake of Allah, He had already given it to them, certainly He gave them for some Divine Reason. It is either they tried to channel it to the right direction or to the wrong direction. Each person has to answer their choice to themselves.

And of all things We created two mates; 

perhaps you will remember. [QS 51:49]

Now another problem of having that instinct, I have to find a channel to release the energy. Otherwise my safari park will keep on in uproar, the animals will break the fences and jeopardize the peace. This is when the mischief of the monkey come into play. What I did? I tricked my girls at work into a mild dirty jokes and we cracked up laughing, or shopped for sexy underwear or read historical romance novel. When I said my girls at work, doesn't mean that they're young and plain that I would contaminate their mind. Luckily most of them have married. So I don't have to feel so guilty for being mischievous.

Didn't I know the spiritual way of channeling the energy? Of course I know. Have I tried it? Certainly. Was it enough? Should be enough. But then again as I said I wasn't a saint and I don't want to be any of them. I want to travel my own path based on the Divine Decree Allah set me in, that I would, am and will also make mistakes and sin in my life but then I was, am and will also be educated through the mistakes and sin that I had done and be guided to the right direction in walking this path of life. And †ђąηk ўσυ Allah that the realm of the heart is stronger than the mind that You gave me way of cleaning the rubbish from the river of mind.

And I find the mischievous monkey that has been through education can be very helpful in a difficult situation. It helps me to go out of sadness, to break the icy situation, to protect the other part of me that is shy, afraid and vulnerable. Its helpfulness had been described as a character of Hanuman in the Indian epic story of Ramayana or Sun Go Kong in the chinese story of Journey to the West.


Finding the mate

Yes, I find it as a difficult task throughout the history of my life hehehe... Because I just don't know how to do it. Knowing the mating instinct doesn't mean that I will find it easy to find the mate, especially when you wished that he would be the one befitted to you not only in term of physical fitness but more importantly of spiritual fitness.

Another problem about this mating is my shy, frightened and vulnerable natures would pull me away from the one that I like. I tend to hide my feeling or covered it up with mischief jokes or worst was unintentionally showing my lioness instinct that would drive the men away. I read from books that to identify one befitted to me, I have to get my inner being shaken up by his presence. So I took note on that. And in my interaction with my male friends and colleagues, I tried to see the hints. I got the clue of the person before I even met him.

How strange it is that in trying to build love,
they're heading to different direction.

It was when he sent me an email of forgiveness to respond my email of clarity explaining the reason of his anger to me thus shut me out of his life. Again it was my mistake and sin in an event that I didn't realize it as i did it to be a mistake and sin. And I had never even met him in person. Inside I was shaking so hard that outside my hands were trembling going through the keyboard as read through his email. All I could write to him after reading his mail was 'wa man nashru illa min indillah' - And victory is not except from Allah , the Exalted in Might, the Wise - [QS 3: 126]. And for days I didn't write any other mail to him that he thought I was sick or something, which was very kind of him. And he wrote me a short mail to express his concern. He didn't know I was having a powerful spiritual experience at that time that left me speechless and withdrawn inwardly in remembrance for the greatness of Allah in making things happened as His wills. But then as mis-understanding had made him moved away and shut me out (again) before we met in person, I could only accept it as it was meant to be.

Because another problem about having the clue is he's a married man. Though he told me he had lived separate life from his wife since he converted to Islam, I don't think he had divorced. And I have my personal principle that even though Islam allow men to have polygamy, I won't let myself hurt another women's feeling to be a second wife to a married man in polygamy marriage. And this is the reason why I refused the offer of being the second wife to my boss at work or the third one of my other friend's husband even though the wife would be happy to have me and had expressed their approval. And my lioness animal instinct come to surface to help me stick with my principle.

My friend at work who knew what happened to me with that special man out of curiosity asked me what I would do if that man suddenly contacted me and wanted to meet me in person. Again my mischievous mind came into play that instead of telling, I showed her what I would do. That I would receive the message seriously in a very reserved note but after that I would be jumping and dancing around laughing happily. And then of course we had a good laugh after my acting hahaha... Well, in truth, I don't know what I will do. I really don't know how I will react.


Union with the Other

Let there be spaces in your togetherness
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you ~
the Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

Understanding this whole subject of trouble in heaven, as my other part, I know most men will misunderstand me. Especially those who don't understand the value of spiritual growth in their life, act in accordance to their understanding and allow their partner to thrive as well.

There is a Jungian psychology book under titled "Women Who Run With Wolves' by Clarissa Pinkola Estes that I like. It has a chapter of 'The Mate: Union with the Other' which gave me insight about the other part of man's spirit to be in union with the woman's spirit. And it is wisely described in a story telling of Hymn for the Wild Man: Manawee. It is a story of the African-American which is very inspiring to help especially men to understand the other nature of women.

And the story goes: Here a man (Manawee) is courting a set of twin daughters. The twins have a protective father, who interferes by making it clear that if Manawee is interested in the twins as wives, then he is going to have to put forth the effort to discover their true names. The true name is something that belongs to many traditions. Often it was used in families in association with mysteries. The true name is often hidden because knowledge of it was seen as giving great power to those who knew one's true name. This works well as a metaphor to those who do not have this idea in their religious tradition. The father simply wants the man to be interested in the true essence of his daughters: the man's interest needs to be deep. 


The man comes and goes. He repeatedly attempts to meet the young women, only to be sent away by the father. After a bit, the man's little dog goes and visits the twins on his own. Unlike the man, the pet does not run into the same problems and quickly learns the true names of the women Manawee hopes to marry as the pair that they have always been. This is about the value of instincts and of observations. The dog can do freely what the man cannot, but the dog and the man are connected. The girls trust the dog and the dog trusts the girls and Manawee. 


The dog runs into a similar, but worse problem, than the man. He gets further and in fact learns the true names of the sisters because he hears them calling one another by name. Being the innocent animal that he is, he has no difficulty getting close to them, and the girls are quite kind to him. The dog's problem is that he receives the correct information but is repetitiously waylaid during his efforts to return to his human Master. By the time he gets back, he has forgotten the information. However, he is a persevering sort of animal and so he actually tries again. This happens to him several times, but after a number of attempts, the dog decides against pursuing attractive alternatives in an effort to preserve the valuable information that he is harboring. In the end, after multiple attempts, the dog succeeds in bringing the information to the man.

By the time Manawee turns up bearing the information that will satisfy their father, the twins are awaiting him as a unit to be his wives. This reveals the natural mutuality of the relationship between Manawee and the twins, while it also indicates that somehow the situation was and was not as it appeared on the surface to be.




Return to Harmony


So yes, I do have problems and sins. And to solve the trouble in my heaven I have to return to my true nature i.e. harmony. Harmony is about accepting things as they come and go in accordance to the Wills of Allah, The Master of Universe.

And I don't have anyone to blame but myself and I take full responsible for what I did in the hope that Allah will forgive me as I trust Him.

" And to Allah belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth - that He may recompense those who do evil with [the penalty of] what they have done and recompense those who do good with the best [reward] - Those who avoid the major sins and immoralities, only [committing] slight ones. Indeed, your Lord is vast in forgiveness. He was most knowing of you when He produced you from the earth and when you were fetuses in the wombs of your mothers. So do not claim yourselves to be pure; He is most knowing of who fears Him. [QS 53: 31-32]