In The Eyes Who Behold

Last weekend I visited my hometown. And I met up two of my friends, one is male the other is female. Both already married and have children. The female one is my childhood best friend. And the male one is my later friend. You may say I am his mentor for he is several years younger than me. First time we met about 2004s after I returned home from Batam island. He was my cousin's friend who'd been my English student. They got in touch with me in different situation. And their difference is caused by Self Knowledge.

A Grateful Heart

The man, he used to be a bad boy. He didn't finish his high school, he'd been on drugs and alcohol and had no sense of purpose in life. When he got to know me and wanted to learn English for some reason, I introduced him to Self Knowledge. And he took his time to listen and learn about his self till he asked for the technique of Knowledge. And I facilitated him to get the technique from my teacher.

That morning, he visited me because he missed me and wanted to talk. He found me to be a good listener. So we talked about his business and how things went on. He may not be as successful as other people's standard. He'd been trying to get a job that would give him enough money to pay for his family expense. Now he's a marketing staff in local finance institution. He just started his business by opening noodle stall in town. So life isn't always easy for him. Yet in all our discussion, he could express his gratitude with whatever situation he is in now. He thanked me for my assistance so that now he has a sense of purpose and no longer a bad boy. He knew that in the past all he did was tainted the sense of dignity of his parents for being a bad boy. Now he is trying his best to make his parents especially his mother happy and proud of him and take responsible as a husband and a father to his son.

Listening to all this, I could only be happy for him. I didn't claim that it was my doing. By the grace of Allah, his effort to stay in conscious has guided him to find his direction. And it was the work of my Self Knowledge teacher that made it possible. I'm merely a student as well as a translator doing my job.

A Story of Perfectionist

And after that I met my childhood best friend. We went to the same school from primary school till high school. We'd done good in our school. We used to be in the school team of P-4 school competition up to regional competition. After high school she went to university taking science faculty majoring in chemistry while I took chemical engineering in polytechnic in the the same university. We finished our high school not at the same year because I left school for a year on exchange program. Since then we didn't meet very often. Moreover I worked in another island and only came home on yearly basis during Hari Raya. After graduated from university she had several work offers to be a lecturer in state university and working in a company. She chose the latter, which later gave her a husband. And after having a child she quit working and become full house mother. Later in the years she started her own tutorial business from home. While I live my life in another town in different province.

Last month she sent me message and asked me to visit her but I couldn't make it. So this time I promised myself that I would visit her. I asked my nephew to take me to her house in another village. It's been quite long time I didn't visit her, I think almost a year. When I got there, I found a totally new house. I wasn't sure if it's hers. The fence was locked as if there's no one home though she told me she's home.

If being successful were measured by materialistic achievement, I would say that she's successful. She has married and has two wonderful children and certainly a husband that supports her. She is a private tutor, does her work from home while looking after her children. And added to that a beautiful fenced house, I thought she must be happy.

As I entered her house and greeted by her and her husband and the children, she then told and showed me that she had partially shaved her upper hair. And I asked her what happened. She said that she'd had a traditional cupping therapy to treat her illness. And I asked her to tell me more what's wrong with her. Because all the while from childhood to high school to university I never knew if she ever had any serious illness.

So she told me that she had a nervous breakdown (though I wasn't so sure, but based on the symptom I think it falls under category of Neurasthenia). According to her psychiatrist it was caused by her nature of being a perfectionist melancholy person. And last year she was hospitalized for several days. And even then sometimes she would have severe headache when she couldn't manage her inner turmoil.

Her story was quite a shock to me. All the while I knew her as an easy going person who did not really care what others said about her. Yet, apparently her subconscious had absorbed the comment of others and unconsciously it forced her to perfect herself till she couldn't cope with the inner turmoil she had.

The other problem was because of the perfectionist nature she had, it got her to set so called 'a high standard' on achieving things. When she couldn't achieve it, she started blaming herself and regretted the decision she had made. As she related her story, I could see just as I told her, it caused her life to be fragmented and she had no clear sense of purpose. Luckily she was aware of her problem. She tried to avoid drugs. She didn't want to take it for she's afraid to get addicted. So she took traditional therapy to reduce the symptom. That's when I offered her to help in the way that I knew may help her.

The Value of Self Knowledge

Her story reminded me of another story from my female English friend. When we were on holiday and went on the same event in Australia, she told me about her past experience in which she used to cry most of the time because she felt sorry for others. She couldn't separate herself from things that went on around her. She couldn't understand why people had to suffer. And as she learned Self Knowledge, she started to have an understanding that help her cope with the turmoil she felt within. She could let go something that is beyond her ability to control and held on to her core within.

So from my earlier conversation with my other friend, I could see the contrast between the two. And I told her I would assist her in discovering the source of her own strength within her. That she can find ways to overcome the nervous breakdown symptom by connected herself to the source within her. I didn't say that she had to stop the medication for I am not a doctor. However I have my conviction that by discovering her own source of strength, it will be like having a drug-free medicine.

Understanding her inner turmoil, I could see how fragmented she felt on having her life experience. She hadn't found the red line that connected one experience to the next one. The feeling of regret had ruined the values of previous experience and the decision she had made. Those who doesn't know their true selves will do something that are fragmented in the eyes who see. As if the tongue said one thing but the action said another both in positive and negative attitude. Because the tongue is following the mind but the action is following the subconscious / the heart. To the negative attitude the action is called hypocrisy and to the positive attitude the action is called a lack of true sincerity and gratitude.

She was told by the psychiatrist that her problem wasn't hers alone. Many great men had the same problem like our former president Mr. BJ Habibie. He suffered from nervous breakdown after her wife passed away. He's very smart for he was an aerodynamic scientist and a science and technology minister before becoming a vice president and later a president. So he was a very logical person, a real left brain-er. When her wife died, he was loosing his anchor of life that he finally had it. His psychiatrist gave him three choices; either he went to mental hospital or he had to have medical treatment or he wrote a book. He decided to write a book for the first two options seemed very absurd to him. And writing his life story helped him looking into his life. And the book was later transformed into a film under title "Ainun dan Habibie ". She told me this story as she watched his interview in Kick Andy program on Metro TV.

Anyway, these stories had me grateful to Allah. That I may not have a lot of things that people consider as a successful person. But one thing I am very certain is I am thankful for being alive and being what ever I am, with what ever I have. And I am trying myself to be as conscious as I can be and not just take whatever given to me for granted. And that's enough for me to prepare me in welcoming the choices HE would choose for me, either good or bad, right or wrong. For I am in His Knowledge and Acknowledgment.

A Welcoming Joy

The similar reaction as I told my two friends that I may return home to live up my dream were a happy and supportive welcome. He look forward to welcome me back in starting a study club. And my best friend, she offered me to be her partner in managing her study club. If she teaches science and math as her major. I want to focus on English, probably with science and math to add. My sister definitely happy to welcome me home. And I know why they're happy to have me back. They had been affected by something radiated from within in the way I am interacting with people. It is the beauty of Self Knowledge as it mingles with the Islamic regulation I do. Mind you this isn't out of pride. It is out of knowledge and grateful heart that I say this. For I have the mirror that help me see my true self.

I know it is still early to tell what I will do. For I am thinking about my friends at work too. It is hard for them to let me go for they also feel the same kind of feeling as my two friends and sister. I know it is up to me to decide. On the other side, I am preparing something to give them the thing they feel in me. So that instead of relating to me, they can relate to their own true self. And it is up to them to take it or not. After all it is a gift from my Self Knowledge teacher that I am trying to propagate. And at the moment I am testing the ground before I am making the next move. I have no attachment to the outside world. My attachment is to my heart - most of the time. I am going when my heart tells me to.

The Eyes Who Behold

By the way, She told me that she wrote her own funny story when her mind was in turmoil when making her kitchen. And I told her that I would write her story as well. I said that as she told me the story of Mr. Habibie. And I told her mine - the blog where I wrote most of my story in English. I told her that at first I did it to heal my broken heart too. It was my way in reflecting what happened to me after looking at what I had been through in the mirror.

One thing I didn't tell her was that I did it in following His Guidance after practicing Shalawat Fatih. Having Self Knowledge as the mirror that I had been given some years ago, I had the ability to return to my essence, to stay true to my self at the same time found enlightenment after a broken heart which didn't seem and feel like breaking. Oh by the way, it suddenly reminded me of Prophet Muhammad SAW after he lost his beloved wife Khadijah bint khuwailid RA.

When I told her that I would help, it was the mirror that I want to assist her to have. So that next time when she has to face different kind of storm in her mind, she knows how to hold on to her own strength, to find her balance and her anchor within. That instead of looking outside to get the acceptance of other and pushing her perfectionist demands to others, she needs to look within to accept her self as is and find the perfect within. That she doesn't have to feel such a failure if things didn't go as she expected to happen. That she doesn't have to feel sorry in making decision that seemed so wrong over what had happened in the past.

What is meant to happen will happen and it happened by the wills of Allah and certainly under His Knowledge and Wisdom. And through Self Knowledge she can have the inner eyes that behold the blessing of our Creator. With it, she can have a heart full of gratitude even in being a perfectionist melancholy person.