Hello and Goodbye

Last night (27/11) was a movie night. It's been quite a while I didn't buy dvd movies to add my collections. I just didn't have time to watch them. So last friday I happened to buy dvds. Actually I supposed to buy Thai movies. My staff asked if I could bring him some Thai movies as a gift from Bali. But when my friend took me to a video shop and they didn't sell any Thai movies, those American movies had their hands waving at me imploring *,^ ...... and finally got me to buy some. Well, what do you think of 8 movies?! Are they too many?! Hehehe... Well, I paid for 6 and got 2 for free. I guessed it's pretty good deal :D

I thought I would watch them if (I didn't know when) I wasn't too tired or reading book or occupied by some works in the evening. And last night was the time. I watched 2 movies which both essentially were about hello and goodbye and the time in between. Wasn't it all the ideas of movies and film story? Including our life here?! .... Anyway, the title was 'Before Sunrise' and 'One Day'. I'm not going to tell their stories. You may find them in the internet. I'm about to write my own story and an insight on that topic. Because by watching those movies, something inside wanted me to write. So here it is.

Hellos

Yes. This is about our first encounter with something or someone. This is about the beginning of our (any) episode of life story. This is about the starting point in which something growing in us. And as I reflected on any kind of hellos that I experienced in life, I think there are four elements that I can consider important. They are the I, the me, the timing, and the scenario.

Now, why the I is important in the hellos? Because all this time, the I is the subject of the whole things called experience. The I is the VVIP player to make life scenario happening. It's like, without the I there will never be anything called experience. So, the I is the one who needs to be talked about.

And as I perceived my first encounter with new other people, I drew my own conclusion in my interaction with people. The conclusion is so often very subjective for it is usually affected by the way I feel or my personal character. This personal character is either inherent or shaped by my past experience. For example some people easily adapt to new environment, but other have difficulty in adapting to new environment. Some people are easily giving trust to others, but some other take time to trust others. These kind of characters are inherent and to lessen it of course people need to understand the lack of them and deliberately challenge their own weakness (if they're considered weakness).

It's the same with me. I was actually a shy person and took time to trust. I remember, for me to get along with my host family especially my host father when I lived for the first time with them, it took me 3-4 months until I could talk openly with them. Before that I was either too shy to speak english, or too dumb to make sentences, or too ignorance to make comments, or too quiet to start conversation. And few days ago, I read a book about the secrets behind birth date in accordance to Quran. As I read mine, it said so. Having this character, in my 'hellos' I try to be an easy going person so that people won't judge me being a difficult or snobbish person. However it's not always happened. Because of the me part that come to play.

The me part is the part of how other people perceive me. And here's where I have no control of what other people think or feel about me. It's like they see what I can't see in me. As much as I try to be and present myself to be an easy going person, new people often perceive me wrongly. Like the other week, when I chatted with my colleague while having dinner together she told me this. She knew me quite a while when she was stationed in Yogja shop and I visited the shop with the owner. She told me how she felt kind of bashful to me. Maybe she felt so from my unconscious body language or the way I presented myself that she perceived. And after she knew me quite a while, she realized I wasn't as what she thought I was, with that she had courage to tell me so. On her remark I could only laugh in accepting my fate on how often I had been perceived wrongly by people because I had heard that kind of comment not only from two or three different persons. I don't know how to change that kind of perception, so I let time tell them otherwise. That's the me situation on the hellos.

And the timing is related with which episode of life I have to play. It's like my hellos in the past compared to nowadays is different. As I told you I used to be a shy person when I was little. I remember clearly when my sister took me to join a drama club nearby my house and I was being tested to introduce myself and to do some dramatic role in front of them. For me it was embarrassing which I can't really remember what I had to do. And that was my first and last time with the club. And as I learned more to overcome my own feeling, I gained my confidence and that's how I become an easy going person. And because of that experience, every time I encountered with a new shy people especially female I try to make them comfortable by starting conversation or just being friendly.

The timing is always related with scenario. You can meet people anywhere. The way we behave in a deliberate meeting compare to by-chance meeting will be different. It's the same with me. In a deliberate meeting where I know the kind of people I will meet, I have the basic information that will help me to present myself in the way I dress up, my speaking manner and the content of conversation I will use. While in the by-chance meeting will be different. Situation and places will be in my consideration whether it is necessary to talk or not. When I'm not in the mood of conversation especially when traveling in public transport alone, I either sleep or read a book or enjoy the scenery. This is also to avoid people esp. men with bad-intention when I was traveling alone. It's really a common sense.

Goodbyes

Goodbye to some people is hard to do or be done. It's a lot easier to say hello than to say goodbye. And just like in the hellos, in the goodbyes there are four important elements involved; they are the I, the me, the timing and the scenario.

The first goodbye that I made was to my father. I wasn't sure the real meaning of it but I knew that he died. Because as I walked inside the house that afternoon, my oldest sister was crying hysterically till collapsed and my other brothers and sisters and relatives were crying too. And people started to make preparation for burial. And what did I do? I was crying too and hid myself in the back room. I was just a little girl at that time. That goodbye was the end of my father's life but the beginning of his good memory in me. His anger to my brother or neighbor was acceptable, his stubbornness as maduranese man when fighting with my mother was lovable, his stupidity (or was it his sense of humor?! In asking someone to get a stove to heat up the motorbike) was laughable. His stinginess as my mother said was forgivable. The memory of his love to me remain wonderful.

And then come another goodbye when for the first time ever I had to leave my family to go to Jakarta on the train then to other country for exchange student program. I was quite scared though I went with my friend's family but in different compartment. I was sad that I wouldn't see my mother for another one year and scared of what I would face but I had to be brave. The man who sat next to me who happened to be a lecturer in a state university encouraged me that it would be alright. That goodbye was the beginning of my new experience that later as years unfold shaped my life to be more meaningful.

And there's another goodbye that contained both happy and sad feeling. It was my graduation year in Australian high school. I was there for a year and in the last grade. So by the time I almost finished my exchanged student program, I also finished my high school. The goodbye feeling was different from the experience with my friends from exchange students program though we only met during the orientation camps. Why I said it was sad? Because though I'd done good in my study, I didn't feel like I belong to the school. I didn't have close friends that I could say I would miss them. My school life was wonderful (as I recall the school camps and classes I took) but I didn't have much time hanging out with them to validate the feeling of belonging. The happy one was because I had my host family and Thai friend (from exchange student program) with me to enjoy the party. We even had a picture of four laughing faces because of funny act done by my host parents. What I learned from that goodbye was I promised myself that I wouldn't waste my next school years to be a boring kind of life. So what I did? As I entered the new class which I thought at that time full of timid and meek students, I started to make noises, did some little outrageous things just for the fun of it, do some sneaky little things that would cheer the class ups. 'Cos I was a new student to them, I was easily known and later become the kind of trouble maker, mildly saying - at least my mother never got a call from school for my misbehaving hehehe... And luckily I did well on the subjects to compensate it :D And it was fun and memorable to me and my classmates. And the goodbye become too difficult that as up to now, the bond is strong enough to gather us during Hari Raya holiday in our hometown to just say hello and have lunch together.

And then another goodbye to my mother. I had the vision about two years before her farewell when I was so far away from her. So I quit my job and went home. As time approaching to the end of her time, I prepared myself to accept the situation solemnly. And the vision became reality. That goodbye had taught me about the value of time, the vision and the spiritual world.

Oh, and another goodbye was to a man. I think it was the worst goodbye I ever experienced. I cried for days that I looked ugly. And I never cried that much before except for my mother. The sad thing about it because I was judged wrongly. He was the one who encouraged me to write anything to him but he got hurt because of my writing. For me the comparison of our relationship was like Rumi with Syams-i Tabriz. Rumi found his inspiration when he met Syams-i Tabriz and even more after he left him. From this goodbye I learned about unconditional love and the Eternal Love. The fact that I can still love him after being misjudged is a proof that I can experience and feel the unconditional love and that I can be in peace and loving feeling even after he left me validate the Eternal Love within. Like Rumi said 'The heart of a lover is a bed of roses'. but then we know that with roses come also the thorn. So when you hold a rose with its thorn, will you throw away the rose, just because your hand got hurt by its thorn?

Now the me part is something else. As the hello and the time in between got them to know me well, when the goodbye happened I had friends that would miss me and hoped to see me again someday. And honestly it feels good because it means that I have been something or someone to them, not just a passer-by. And the other day, there's a quote from Rumi that said "wherever you are, be the soul of that place". I think the expression of my friends in a way is telling me that I have been a soul when I'm with them. Alhamdulillah.

The Big Picture

Of all the hellos and goodbyes we experienced in life there is one essential hello and goodbye that is the very beginning and the very end of our ability to sense and experience life as it unfolds for us in this world. Do we know it? Do we understand its significance?

Our first hello to this world

The very beginning of our life to most of us is the day we were delivered from our mother's womb and entered this world. Such a profound and magical thing there was. And as my Self Knowledge teacher kept reminded me in the videos I translated last month. How important is that first breath we took. Because when it failed to come we would never be here, we would never experience anything called life, we would be buried either that day or the next day. That's why my spiritual teacher took importance of the birth date. They both emphasized that very day, that very moment is the moment that we should be most grateful of. It doesn't matter how long or how short our life is, but that very moment is the moment that we are something or someone to our parents, our siblings, our relatives, the doctor, the nurse, the midwife and most certainly to our Creator.

I know to some people, this statement may sound so out of mind. Especially to those who had or have been or is in the dark, pain and sorrow throughout their life. I can understand their cynicism. But one thing I learned from Self Knowledge is to separate life from scenario of life. Scenario of life can be anything from good to bad, from right to wrong, from high to low. But life is something else.

Life is Life. It is the force that keep us growing. It is the force that keep us thriving. It is the force that is staying with us from that very moment. It has many names yet it is mysterious in its own unique way. People love to think about the guardian angel that keeps us in safety, but they forget about Life that keeps them company at any moment they exist. it is Life that give us the thing called our time. And the day life leave us, it is the end of our time here, in this stage called the world. And that is our real goodbye.

In the dusk birds fly home.
So does the soul when it comes.

The scenarios of goodbye can take shape in any way possible from peaceful sleep to terrible accident, from peace to agony. But all has the same symptom, that is when the breath no longer coming, when life no more keep us company. How dreadful it is? To some people it is dreadful, because they never know and learn and understand the essential foundation of their living experience. And they fear that moment, yet sooner or later it will come.

My goodbye moment to my mother taught me that every one is actually given a chance to know the end of their time. It is the fairest thing our Creator ever give us. In fact of all the things that's going on in our life, our Creator is always giving signs for us to look and ponder upon so that we can make the right decision. The difference is whether we will take that as a sign or not. If you want to see the outside proof of my statement here, look at the outside world. The dawn is the sign for the coming of the day, the dusk is the sign for the coming of the night, autumn is the sign for the coming of winter and spring is the sign for the coming of summer. Yet we hardly relate them to our life. In the book of Ihya' Ulumuddin, Imam Ghazali r.a. had written about the sign of this goodbye. I will not elaborate it here. You can find out yourself.

In Between

As I have said earlier that once I learned about the sad goodbye in my high school, I do not wish for another one. So I filled the time in between to be as meaningful as possible to even make some stupid or outrageous little thing without trespassing principle boundary I set for myself, that is never insult or jeopardize other people's life or committed great sin. In doing so, I may not always do things meaningfully. So often I do so many meaningless action, like..... What?!

You know when I tried to mention the meaningless action, I realize that nothing is meaningless. All of them are meaningful, though others may think they are meaningless. Some may argue, even the other part of me argue that there are lots of things I did in the past were meaningless. It isn't meaningless because I realize that nothing that ever happened in my life is without the presence of Life. As I witnessed and played my part and all that accompanied it, life has made whatever I did to be meaningful.

You want to know some meaningless action that I realized it was meaningful? Yawning. To some people it maybe meaningless but to me it is the sign that I'm tired and my body need to rest. Scratch my head. Some people may think it is unnecessary gesture, but to me it can be a reminder that I need to wash my hair hehehe... Immobilize. Others may think that it is an idle and wasting time, but to me I am enjoying the company of life, the coming and going of my breath. So part of me that see the big picture can't find any action that I think of as meaningless but my other part that see the world can give me list of meaningless action from reading novels, chit-chat with my friends, wearing make up, sleeping, browsing through internet and so on and so forth. The more I try to list down, the harder it becomes.

And as I can truly feel the presence of life with me, it becomes my best friend. My great thanks to my Self Knowledge teacher who has introduced me and made me understand its significance. Hopefully at the end of my time here, when I have to say goodbye to life, all the memory of good time with life will give me all the courage I ever need and the positive attitude to welcome the death and be in its company. And as life becomes my best friend, hopefully death can also be my best friend to keep me company in the world beyond.