Torn between Pride and Love

Last week my sister told me that her husband was in town but he didn't want to show up. It seemed that he's not ready to face his own family. And I can understand his situation and feel sorry for him. But I also know that at this moment he must learn to face his own failure, resolve his inner turmoil and come up with the right decision. Looking into the deeper core, I draw my own conclusion.

"Coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave." 

Mohandas Gandhi

Pride and Dignity

What is pride? As I refer to freedictionary.com the definition given is
1. a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc. 
2. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem. 
3. pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself: civic pride.

And man is a proud creature. This pride sometimes clouded their judgment and ability to make the right decision, until they have to face something else to decide whether it is necessary to hold on to their pride or give in. And in his case, the false concept of pride has clouded his judgment to make the right decision. But then after what he did, I think he should put it aside. Because it becomes his biggest obstacle to mend the wrong he's done to my sister.

It's very surprising that I have this inspiring words on my computer screen as I was starting to write this article. "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave" by Mohandas Gandhi. As if he were telling me that it wasn't his pride that made him hiding, it was his cowardice. If you remember my previous article on the brave heart, I think you understand what I mean.

And for that reason, I say pride is different from dignity. In arabic it is similar to 'al-izzah'. And as freedictionary.com defines it
1. bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation. 
2. nobility or elevation of character; worthiness: dignity of sentiments.

In his case because he started from the wrong stand point to gain his dignity he must act right. What is the right act to do? By asking forgiveness. To God he should ask forgiveness by repentant. He may have done it by moving away from the woman he had had affair with as he had said to his friend, but to human being he needs to build his bridge by apologizing. His state of being is self evident. No one will ever hide themselves if they don't feel shame of feeling guilty or something.

Do they take them away or
Do we give them away?

Yes, he must be ashamed of what he had done, but it shouldn't prevent him to do the right thing. As it has been said in previous article "high wind does not last long, so is the words of people". If he put aside his pride to apologize and followed with doing the right thing to his family - my sister and his kids, he will be reformed and gain his dignity.

I wish I could help him to see the matter clearly. Some may think by writing this, I'm trying to be patronizing. I'm not and I don't want to. I'm merely emphatic to what he faced knowing how he must feel like. And to understand his situation I tried to look into my past experience to relate to his.

It reminded me of my experience in secondary school when I was slapped across my face by my english teacher. I was hurt because I thought I didn't do anything wrong to deserve such treatment. I was in between the noisy boys in the back rows while she was writing something on the blackboard. Naturally you couldn't help to get involved when they're your buddies and did some funny things. And all of the sudden she was slapping my face. On her way out she told the class that she would not teach the class until we behaved. The class was in uproar between joy and worry. I didn't care what they felt, I was hurt. No one ever slapped me across my face not even my parents. I let two weeks (I think) went off without feeling sorry and she was insistence to not teach my class. It was only when my friends asked me to apologize so the class could start again, I had to swallow my pride and came to her to tell her how sorry I was and plead her to teach the class again in front of my classmates who accompanied me. It was between shame (that I had to do it) and hate (her for putting me into that situation) that I almost cried in saying it. And time healed. I could reflect on that situation without grudge. And I didn't hate her anymore. I passed the final exam with A score and even paid her a respectful visit after she retired. Time healed and washed away the shame and hatred feeling to her. In a way she taught me something about pride and dignity apart from english subject.

" Pleasure of love lasts but a moment. Pain of love lasts a lifetime. "

Jean Pierre Claris de Florian

Love and Mercy

First of all, I know this is just a deduction thought that is based on facts and not based on my experience. And people can always say "Ah, it's just a theory!" So whatever I will write down is always questionable and people can always argue that I have no experience at all to write something like this, and I will agree to their saying. So I won't argue with you if you disagree with this. Anyway,...

In marriage context, I find love to be something that is confusing. I look at the marriage life around me and on the news. One time they said they love their spouse or partner, the other time they don't love them anymore and they decide to get divorce with common reason there's no more agreeable cause to keep their marriage going. One thing I know that you can't force the heart to love something when it actually feel nothing about it or hates it. And I think this is what happened to my sister in relation to her husband.

I remember long ago when she asked my opinion about the man. At that time his mother didn't approve her, just because she was the daughter of my parents. What kind of reason was that?! And she was undecided whether went to another island and new life there or stayed in town to face the challenge. And I said that she should face the challenge and found happiness with him, for the reason of her mother's refusal wasn't in accordance to the islamic law and I knew him to be a good man. I mean he's our neighbor all his life.
So she did it and they got married without the blessing of his mother till they got their first child, my dear nephew. His mother finally gave them the blessing and the family lived in peace. Until he had an affair with a woman who used black magic to capture him in different island on his sailing route. And the love they shared was shaken. Her feeling turn from love to pity to anger to sorrow to numbness over the year while she tried to cope with the situation. And now when he comes around I can understand if she isn't so forgiving to him yet.

In the Qur'an there is a verse that Muslims often use to quote in their wedding invitation. It is the verse that said "And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought." [QS 30:21]


It's something to ponder why instead of using the word 'mahabbah' the arabic word for love, HE used the word 'mawaddah wa rahmah' means affection and mercy? The definition given in freedictionary.com to affection is this:
1. fond attachment, devotion, or love: the affection of a parent for an only child.
2. a. emotion; feeling; sentiment: over and above our reason and affections.
    b. the emotional realm of love: a place in his affections.
3. a disease, or the condition of being diseased; abnormal state of body or mind: a gouty affection.
4. the act of affecting; act of influencing or acting upon.
5. the state of being affected.
6. a contingent, alterable, and accidental state or quality of being.
7. the affective aspect of a mental process.
8. bent or disposition of mind.
9. bias; prejudice. 
And the definition given to mercy is this:
1. compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power; compassion, pity, or benevolence: Have mercy on the poor sinner.
2. the disposition to be compassionate or forbearing: an adversary wholly without mercy.
3. the discretionary power of a judge to pardon someone or to mitigate punishment, esp. to send to prison rather than invoke the death penalty.
4. an act of kindness, compassion, or favor: She has performed countless small mercies for her friends and neighbors.
5. something that gives evidence of divine favor; blessing: It was just a mercy we had our seat belts on when it happened.

And thinking about this. It seemed to me that the relationship between man and woman that lead to marriage is firstly started with affection not love. In the past when the word love wasn't so easily used to manipulate others, marriage was often done without the woman know how their husband would be like. It was the work of match maker or her family interference to find her husband. And as time flew they learned about each other to finally accepted her husband to be her spouse till death separate them. There seemed to be not much courting happened before marriage like nowadays in which thing can easily spin out of control for the sake of libertine.

Here's the word affection takes important part. That in man and woman relationship each of them affect the other, first may come from the look then goes on to the deeper layer of their human aspects. The general guideline is given: don't be fooled by the look. That's why it was wisely said by prophet Muhammad SAW that man should choose the woman-to-be his wife based on her religious virtues instead of her look, her wealth nor her rank in society. Though if he could have those four qualities he would be the lucky man. When they married the affection is getting stronger and stronger because they live together and physically involved in sexual intercourse.

And as they get to know more, the chance to see their difference is also getting bigger. And this is understandable. Here's when mercy takes important part. Because seeing difference can lead to disagreement to quarreling to fighting to separation to divorce if it isn't managed mercifully. There's a javanese saying that getting married is similarly taking enemy. This is true when mercy isn't there. The fact that woman is different from man already make one to be 'enemy' of the other.

So where should love be in marriage?

Again I have to use the verse in Quran to put it into perspective. It is said "Say, [O Muhammad], "If your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your wives, your relatives, wealth which you have obtained, commerce wherein you fear decline, and dwellings with which you are pleased are more beloved to you than Allah and His Messenger and jihad in His cause, then wait until Allah executes His command. And Allah does not guide the defiantly disobedient people." [QS 9:24] based on the given verse it is clearly stated that love should be directed to Allah and His Messenger and striving hard in His Cause (jihad fii sabilillah).

People so often don't understand that in loving Allah means they should love also His creation, particularly human being as his best creation. And in loving His Messenger they should also love and try to take his best virtue in treating others. And His Cause nothing else but to bring out the best of our human quality. So in dire situation where marriage as the basic foundation of society was on the brink of divorce, the love that is directed to the right direction will color the affection and mercy that gives peace harmony and prosperity to each members.

And I hope my sister and her husband will find way to mend what is broken and live their family life consciously instead taking it for granted.