Negativity

This isn't about the story of Victor Hugo's famous novel under title Les Miserables, where things always against Jean Valjean. I remember the title of that novel when I wanted to give title to the topic I'm about to write. I hope this will be the only miserable thing I have to write. And yes, I'm about to let myself feeling miserable and very negative so that people won't think I'm a happy go lucky person all the time. Certainly, most of the time I don't let negativity grip me, because it's like cancer that can spread out quickly and easily when I'm loosing my spirit and it will make my day gloomy.

But this time, I want to write it down. I want to feel that feeling gripping me. For what reason? I don't know. I think I'm going south with my emotion and it needs to hit the rock bottom. By writing this, hopefully I can let go my negative feeling and hopefully it will bounce me back to positivity.

Energy Suction

You know I've been over a month in Bali worked there and did my other projects that it gave me break from traveling and met my friends from my other social work I involved with. It wasn't that I fully washed my hand off from the other activity, because almost everyday the office staff called or emailed or texted me on my mobile with something for advice or direction or just updated me with things that went on. So physically I wasn't around when things happened, which for me was alright because I had other things at hands.

When I couldn't attend the meeting, the chairman called me and asked me why. I told him the reason which to him seemed to be unimportant. And he reminded me of my position that I should be a responsible person. I could only tell him in a clipped response, 'Yes, I know.'. I thought I had delegated the work to my staff and he's there to make decision, while no one could at that moment substituted me in Bali. And when I'd been in Jawa, answered his phone call, he reminded me again of that after I told him what I did in preparing the ground work to achieve one of the organizational objective. And he told me in a grumbling kind of way about others who didn't do their work, as if it was my responsible to do things and take over theirs. Since I was in a light mood, I only laughed at him as a saying"'That's a fact.". And feeling responsible I told him, 'Ok, I'll talk to them and see what I can do.' And I did.

Now let me feel angry for this situation:
I'm not responsible for other people's work! I have my personal commitment to others not only to this social work! And who cares of my personal needs? All along I never want to be in the front row! And don't blame me for not doing my work as you think I'd done when you let others to not doing theirs! You heard me being taken as scapegoat by others yet you don't defend me when you knew I was your right hand and did things the best I could. I have the right to feel angry because everyone deserve at least a †ђąηk ўσυ word for what they've done. And I'm not an irresponsible person. I know my value. So don't press me to feel sorry for what I've missed in the field. I'm not super woman. I don't like being in the spotlight. I help within my capacity and strength, so don't expect me more than what I can't deliver. And you can say that I'm not helping, Fine! You can say I'm useless and careless. I don't care!

I'm angry to people sucking and draining my energy to the point that I have to feel sorry for not being able to say NO to their request and use my responsible character to make me feel guilty. And what was I left with? Negativity.

A Thought of Failure

The some days ago after sometime I never met my friends, I happened to met them again. And a standard questions given to women then passed to me: Who am I going out with? Do I have any particular man that is courting me to marriage? Why I'm so picky? How many kids have I had? My standard response was usually given in a light response and that would be: Oh, I'm going out with someone - the bus or plane or train passengers that traveled with me, he is busy fixing the world and forget his way home, looking to my heart or sky wherever and say 'Hi God can you answer her/them?' my kid is of no form and shape yet because it is still in the realm of souls that instead of having them I ended up with someone else's kids that I teach. All were said in a light-heart mood because I know I can't question something that is beyond my strength and capacity to answer. And I don't want them to feel bad because of asking a wrong question.

Now, let me bring forth the miserable feeling:
My God! if woman's accomplishment is measured based on their ability to find husband and have kids, I am a big failure to myself. Because I really don't have any of them. I don't even know how to start it. I was busy fulfilling life that I didn't realize any men would like me to be their girlfriend or wife. And when man courted me, either I couldn't develop the feeling to be more than friends or stood aloof. And if they could approach me close enough to get to know me, they either need me for my brain or are reticent or aren't brave enough to tell me their feeling directly or don't have any feelings to me at all. I don't know. I don't have anything to be proud of in being a woman,to attract men to start the process they want me to accomplish. No matter how many other accomplishments I have, as long as the measurement are those, I have accomplished nothing. I can't even cook. My brother made fun on my ability to cook so I know I can't cook and it make me dislike cooking. My figure is a flat boy-shaped kind of body not the kind that man like most. And when I started speaking, they freaked out because it was full of wise and ancient words they disfavor because it sound patronizing, smartass and boring.

So I don't know how I will ever achieve it and have something I can be proud of to their reference. And what is left for me? Negativity

Creating a living  hell

Now, with those negative feelings let me create my own hell for the sake of what people expect of me and achieve what they think I should accomplish. Because now I am going to do anything to please them, to get it.

Aren't I creative enough
to even create my living hell ?

Now I will do my best to get things going. I will take over other people's work if they can't do them. I will stand for them and become their bumper every time they need someone to blame. I will work very hard to please them that I will use my weekends to go from one city to another city. And if I'm too tired I will just sleep wherever I feel like, because I have no insomnia problem. I will be a yes-man woman and do whatever they want me too.

And to get a husband, I will go to nightlife where men I never meet mostly hang around because the good one around me already taken or do not notice me. And if they don't seem to notice me, I will change my clothes to the point that will please them. And if this still doesn't work, I will flirt with one that I like a lot in term of their look and ask if he ever wants to go out with me and see if someday soon he wants to be my husband. And if he doesn't want to because he already married or has girlfriend or just doesn't want to take responsible being a father, I can ask him if he will donor his sperm so I can have a child of my own and I will take the responsible of being a single parent. No problem. Well, there's still a problem. I still don't have a husband. Oh, I can always marry to any man that wants me to be his wife. It doesn't matter how his behavior like or how responsible he is as long I have someone that I can tell other "Oh he's home sleeping or he's with someone else" when they ask me where my husband is.

See, with that I can easily accomplish what they expect of me. As long as they are happy with me helping them and that I have husband and kid as my accomplishment. And yet, what would that leave me with? Negativity.

Sobriety

Because I know they are all against my nature and my heart will be crying out for not being listened to and followed. Already, when I wrote that imagination, my eyes were in tears for feeling the emptiness I will feel inside. I can't just do anything for the sake of other people's wish and expectation. I have to follow my heart. I have to follow the light that lit within. And no matter how far and how long it will take for me to be in this journey of life whether I will be able to do as what they want me to do or achieve what they thought I should achieve or not, with life I will try to do it with great feeling of gratitude. Instead of blaming others or even God for what I don't have or can't achieve, I accept what is given to me - either people call it success or failure-  with humility that I don't deserve such preciousness. And I'm not about taking it for granted because life and anything along with it, that is given to me is the most precious thing in this world.

And I may have made bad decision in my life or in the way I make priorities to things that were presented to me and want me to be in different places as they wish. I"m sorry that I can't always please them but I should never be made feeling sorry for the decision I have made consciously. I am taking full responsible to what's going on in my life. Thank you very much! Call me stubborn, maybe. Call me ignorant, I may be. Call me whatever you want to call me. I am living my life!!!

So by mercy from Allah , you were lenient with them.

And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart,

they would have disbanded from about you.

So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them

and consult them in the matter.

And when you have decided,

then rely upon Allah .

Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him].

~ QS Ali Imran: 159 ~